Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

OP your parents sound weird. These aren't just random children, these are your children's half-siblings! To make a pointed 'look what lovely grandparents we are TO OUR RELATIONS' is to ignore the fact that your SC are YOUR CHILDREN'S relations! What utter tosspots.

My son's partner remarried and had another son, my GS's half brother. I send both of them the same amount of money for Christmas and I've never even MET his half brother and he has his own GPs, but it just seems fair. I cannot conceive leaving two children out in the Christmas Eve box way. Bonkers.

You sound so lovely OP!

You could teach a lot of the step parents on here a thing or two!

I have a lovely stepmother myself and it’s a wonderful relationship to have

I mean I understand your argument from a moral point yes but from a legal point you actually broke the law and stole.

You can NOT dictate a gift from another person to another person. Your parents gave money (for example) to a specific child, you are not legally allowed to then take that money (either for yourself or someone else) and distribute it as it is NOT your money. That is simply and factually blatant theft.

Personally I think it’s really nasty to exclude the older dear children from the big Christmas Eve box.

Also what’s in this lovely Christmas Eve box?! I need some inspo for one this year!

Kids don't need loads of sweets either so better to share them out.

Oh for goodness sake!

Theft! How completely ridiculous. I’m sure the younger children would be more than happy to share

It’s hard. I can see why you have been protecting your stepkids. The thing is, (and I say this as someone from a complicated step family). You find out they don’t love you eventually and it hurts at whatever age you find out.

Can I offer an additional perspective? I would have done the same as you, absolutely- I would never let the dc miss out.
However, your parents thought they were doing something ’extra’ just for the grandchildren. That in itself isn’t an awful impulse. Can you find something special for them to do together instead? Maybe they could go and choose the Christmas tree together, or buy an ornament for the tree each, go to a panto or see Father Christmas. Something that’s a memory for them for the future of being special to their grandparents?

I know how you feel, and I feel the same way. We fostered and I was thrilled my family took the little ones as ours and made no differentiation at all.
I do also understand grandparents having and wanting a special bond to just the two dc. It’s not my feeling, but I don’t think it’s an unreasonable one. Then it’s about how to do that without the older ones feeling left out.

I honestly don't understand people like your parents, if it was me it wouldn't matter if it was my grandchildren, step grandchildren, cousins, foster kids or if for some reason the grandchildrens friends happened to be spending the day with them, I would never want a child to feel left out or upset on Christmas eve. I think you've done an amazing thing by making sure they've been included

The OP’s DC are being ‘deprived’ of half their money gift. There’s nothing to stop OH from putting the money in her DC’s piggy banks or accounts either, to avoid drawing attention to it.

I agree her parents are horrible to the step children in excluding them entirely - it’s just cruel. The stepchildren are fortunate to have a step mum who values them and makes sure they are not left out.

However, taking money given to the grandchildren and redistributing it without consent isn’t on.

we did something similar in our family.

My older child received a sum of money from grandparents along with all the other grandchildren. My twins were born a year later and were given the same amount to share between them.

Grandparents couldn’t see the issue!

So we split the money 3 ways so it’s fair.

Just wow!

Sorry OP I think YABVU - they are not your parents grandchildren - they presumably have their own grandparents who give them gifts at Xmas.

Sorry OP I think YABVU - they are not your parents grandchildren - they presumably have their own grandparents who give them gifts at Xmas.

OP has alluded to the fact that this is not the case and that the older children have quite a sad background.

Did you even read the thread?

They do not have their own grandparents.

You can't change the law just because you disagree. Its not a debatable matter.

You have lovely step kids and you’re clearly a lovely and caring step mum.

Sounds like this isn’t particularly surprising behaviour from your parents. It isn’t just treating them differently, it’s very specifically excluding them and refusing to allow them to benefit from a family present.

I think you’re quite right to tell them that mean behaviour is unacceptable, and you don’t want your younger children to be exposed to it, even if they “benefit” (because they won’t in the long run).

The step kids are left out completely by OP's parents. They don't want them to be there and they don't give them anything, not even a token present like a selection box or even a bar of chocolate. They are revelling in their unkindness, as though it is a badge of honour.

Some of the views sticking up for the grandparents make me sad.

OP, you and your SC sound wonderful.

I can't get my head round the idea of deliberately leaving children out, especially when you have explained that they are all part of the family.

Absolutely don't send your little ones on Christmas eve and let them stay home with their siblings.

Family are those who show up and care.

Hope you all have a peaceful Christmas 💚

FGS doesn't matter, it's just plain cruel. I wouldn't do this to my friends' kids even. It's just about common decency and kindness. And if they loved their daughter, surely they would 'put up with' sharing between 4 boxes.

I don't think its a hanging offence but it does carry consequences

What a wonderful Step parent you are!! Yanbu, your parents seem very backwards in their thinking and treatment of others. You absolutely did the right thing, well done for treating the SC the same! One day when they grow up they will realise what you did and love you even more for it.

Goodness your parents are not very nice people. However you sound like a fantastic step mum and I suspect are in a big responsible for how kind your step kids are. Well done.

Do the Christmas eve box yourself. Put your foot down and tell your parents your DC will be staying at home with there family and siblings. Don't discuss it but state it firmly

I think you need to tell your step children the truth about what's gone on. It's sad but done the right way they will know more than ever how important they are to you.

I don't always agree with my MIL behaviours but she has a step granddaughter. The child has been in her life since a baby. BIL and my step nieces mother split years ago. My MIL and the rest of the family including us (except my BIL who was her step dad) continue to treat her in the same way as all the rest of the grandkids. She is now a young adult and has a loving relationship with her granny. She is part of our family and the lack of blood ties will never change that. I don't even like refering to her as my step niece but did so in this post so people reading it are aware. She isn't my step niece she is my niece the same as the other biological ones are. My MIL if anything has slightly favoured this girl over other grandkids because she was so appalled at her son's behaviour towards her when he split with her mum. She behaved as a grandparent should with love.

I think you are a wonderful step mother