Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

This narcissist comment is for all those who believe it is absolutely fine and correct to lie, be deceitful, to disregard a persons wishes and to be disrespectful. You definitely fall into this category.

I've never needed to lie. You need to ask yourself why the poor OP tied herself in knots trying to keep her stepchildren included and her parents happy. That's because her parents are shitty, selfish, controlling people and their reaction when they found it rather proves the point.
Why should she be "respectful"? They aren't.

And she wasn't asking for them to love the children as their own. She wasn't asking that they inherit. She wasn't asking for the moon on the stick. All she was asking was some kindness and inclusion towards two children she loves, at Christmas.

Exactly. Weaponising inheritance money is low and nasty. Very low. I wouldn’t blame OP one bit if she goes LC or NC with her parents. She probably should for her own well being.

Nasty people like to put others in impossible situations and then blame them when they don’t contort themselves the right way. Best thing to do is cut contact or have very low contact with said nasty people.

Respecting someone does not mean doing what they want. That they don’t agree with how she feels does not mean they don’t respect it. They’re not lying to her and redistributing her gifts, and nor are they going behind her back and telling her stepchildren she feels something she doesn’t. Op IS doing exactly that though, so why should they trust her going forward?

She did ‘need’ to lie. She chose to, to both her parents and her stepchildren. Of course her parents aren’t going to react well when they find out they’ve been lied to. Why would they?

As far as the inheritance goes they’re being sensible. If OP dies before her husband he stands to inherit all. If he remarries he’d be free to leave it entirely to his new wife, which is hardly an unusual occurrence. They want to make sure their assets stay in their family and directly benefits their grandchildren. They can’t trust that OP will ensure this happens, so they’re taking steps to make sure it does.

That narcissistic behaviour door swings both ways.

OP made an error of judgement in sharing out what grandparents had given. In hindsight, it would have been better to look at the boxes for the two grandchildren - and replicate them for the two stepchildren. There was actually damage done there. Not just to the trust that the grandparents had in the OP but to the stepchildren who were told that they box/money was from the grandparents. That was hugely wrong.

OP's step children seem very nice, content with their place in the family and happy with their step siblings. That's lovely. What though would be the clamouring of this thread should the step children not be these wonderful people? Be struggling to find their fit in the family? The circumstances and outcome wouldn't change but I'd put money on it that the feather-for-every-wind posters here wouldn't be posting in outrage because the temperament and stated behaviour of the step children has been the mawkish theme throughout.

Most people would make sure that no child is left out of something such as a Christmas box; it would be cruel and harsh. Inheritance is not in that league and the grandparents have done what they think is right to safeguard their assets for their grandchildren. The OP caused that by trying to sidestep them and it's had entirely foreseeable results, along with general bad feeling from both sides, breakdown of trust from grandparents and the step children living in blissful (damaging) ignorance.

And where is the OP? Nowhere to be seen now that rose petals and back-pats have been interspersed with consideration of what actually took place and the results.

Personally I would have matched what was given for the SC myself and not shared it out amongst them all as it was obvious who the gifts were intended for. It could have been handled a lot better for all of the children.

I didn't suggest it was hilarious?
I also don't disagree that OP is a nice person or good stepmum.
Just that there were options within this scenario to be both nice AND honest, and she chose to only be one of the two.

I haven't got strong views on this but I'm amazed at some of the anger at the gp leaving their assets to their dc.

Isn't this what mumsnet posters are always advising when there are blended families? To protect their dc don't leave everything to their partner as they could end up leaving everything to a future partner and the dc get shafted? It's the sane argument just a different generation.

I don't think it's unusual for do to what their gc to inherit. It's not unusual at all for parents or gp to ringfence things so their own dc/doc are the beneficiaries and not potentially lose out in some future shuffling

Exactly. When I was the only one pointing out that the OP was being dishonest and the grandparents weren't pissed because they hated children but because they were being lied to amongst a sea of back patting and fawning I was called nasty, a persistent person trying to bring the wonderful OP down and accused of trying to dominate the thread.

When I pointed out she disappeared as soon as someone challenged her and pointed out her dishonesty again I was told to stop being mean to this wonderful angel of a woman and thank god she's saving the children 🙄

Now the fog has lifted and many people are pointing out she lied and took their money all of a sudden it's crickets.

Quite frankly there were many options that didn't end with everyone being hurt and lied to. She created this situation through poor choices. Literally all she had to do was give the step children her own money instead of taking the grandparents money from her own children and she could have had her big family Christmas honestly.

Totally. It's ridiculous.

Everyone is whipped up in some strange hysteria wringing their hands over these oh so beautiful children who did Santa bells for the young ones oh weep at the beauty!!

They seem like nice kids but that doesn't make them the OPs parents children, entitled to any of their money or OP mother Theresa for insisting her parents must give them equal money and gifts to their own grandchildren when they have repeatedly told her they don't want to. Which is quite a normal stance to 95% of the population. I can't understand the performative outrage here.

It's very bizarre.

I stated earlier that this would have been a good option, which would not have led to the escalation we are now aware of. However, if the OP could not afford it, there were definitely other options and ways to deal with it in a less deceitful and more peaceful manner.

I am not fully condoning the parents dealings, but neither do I condone and encourage the OPs dealings of her parents and their decisions.

Your language is now completely over the top e.g. 'oh so beautiful children who did Santa bells for the young ones oh weep at the beauty!!', 'OP Mother Theresa (sic)' and you are mocking OP's stepchildren who certainly haven't done anything wrong. OP described the sweet relationship that her younger children have with their older half-siblings and you think it is funny to laugh at it.

The OP's parents have control over what happens with their inheritance and OP and her husband have control over what happens with their children.

The 'performative outrage' is because it is obvious that OP's parents are not nice people in any way and the majority of posters don't want to support people who are deliberately unkind to their daughter's step-children.

This thread deserves mocking quite frankly.

Posters are leaping to take sides against OP's parents, calling them 'not nice', and worse, when they know nothing about them other than what OP has posted.

The eye-glistening was overdone right from the start from the usual can't-get-a-grip posters and there's nothing useful about it, OP is long gone. Thank goodness it will soon be at 10 pages and destined to oblivion.

I don't think anyone including the OP cares what the old Scrooges do with their money.

It's the fact that they raised the topic out of the blue, after OP put her foot down about Christmas, that shows them up as the nasty manipulators they are. Dangling the prospect of disinheriting OP was totally irrelevant to the Christmas discussion and just shows that they are desperate to re-establish control.

She's not mocking the children, she's mocking the OTT way people were fawning over them in order to justify OP misappropriating her parents' funds.

And I did point out a long time ago, that as a stepchild I knew the difference between my late mother's siblings and my stepmother's siblings. I didn't expect the same treatment that my half sister got from her relatives, and she didn't expect my aunts /uncles to treat her the way they treated me. Perfectly pleasant people, but there was a difference.
In this case all of the children have 2 parents. There was no need for all this subterfuge.

I'm not mocking the children, they seem like nice kids.

I'm not mocking the posters who were on the verge of needing a fainting chair with all the OTT posts of it bringing tears to their eyes and getting lumps on their throats and calling the OP an angel.

It's ridiculous.

They some nice kids, with a nice mum who lied to her parents and misspent their money. That's it. I've never seen such fawning and endorsement of lying.

@BalletCat my favourites were "Just when you think you've seen the worst of humanity you read this thread" (they must have lead a sheltered life then" and "This is one of the worst threads I've ever seen on MN" (Really? There's currently a thread about Iraq proposing to lower the age of consent to 9...)

A huge thanks for those of you who thanked me. Currently 39 of you.

Pretty much sums it up.

A highlight for me was being accused of being a nasty grandparent myself because I'm defending their toxicity. At the grand age of 30 😂

My husband had kids from a previous relationship so I have step children too. I adore them, especially since my own son came along and looks exactly like them.. I feel like those kids could actually be mine!

The SC did not have a good start either, but have a stable home when they’re with us.

I knew what I was getting into when I entered a relationship with a man with kids. It’s a massive responsibility to be a good step mum.

However I would not expect that responsibility to be taken on by my family.. my parents are not the SCs grandparents, and have zero responsibility to them. My siblings are not their uncles and aunts. I don’t expect anyone, other than me and their dad, to include them in our wills.

Whilst you might think your parents are being mean, really and truly, your step kids have nothing to do with them. Yes, they are being mean, I do agree, but you can’t say they are being unreasonable. You sharing something that they gifted to their grandkids with others is unreasonable.

I sense there is more to the relationship with your parents than what’s revealed in your post. I sense that this Christmas box business is just a battle ground. Deal with that and maybe leave the kids out of it?

Other posters here have said that you’re a really great step mum for loving your SC like this, I don’t necessarily agree. Aside from the manipulation of someone else’s gift, (which is actually none of your business), caring for your SC in the way you have done / do should be the least a step mum does.

Another zinger was the poster claiming children have no rights so it's fine for their mother to take the money given to them and spend it on whatever she likes 😂

I wonder what the replies would be to "AIBU to spend the DCs Christmas money at the pub?"

I wonder what the replies would be to "AIBU to be upset my daughter gave the money I gave to my grandchildren to her stepchildren for years"

OP I think it's lovely what you've been doing, I plan on stealing the Christmas eve box idea haha.

Now the bits I think are hmmm.
The money- you've stated that you top up the presents by buying extra of things to make four sets, why do you not do this with the money? Why do you split your parents money? If money is tight, get their dad to match the monetary gift.

I agree with others and sadly your parents on that point.

The other bit I don't get (you may have said and I missed it sorry!) If you've been doing this for years, have none of the kids ever said thanks to grandparents for the wonderful gifts/experience had with the cash? Note even a call/card?
I find it weird the first theh are finding out is when one of the sc is gushing about what he may be getting this year, that would rub me the wrong way too.

And I say all this as someone who was a step child who was treated/loved fairly.

A lot of the years were over Covid and my parents isolated for a lot longer than was even advised so they had dropped the box at the door and I’d text a thankyou so that was why I was able to do it for so long unnoticed