Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

They are @Hunglikeapolevaulter. At Christmases and birthdays, if I received any money, DW got exactly the same. They're the same with DIL (my son's wife) too. MIL on the other hand is not and treats her DIL way better than her own daughter.
So @BalletCat, my family are really weird as myself and DW treat our DIL the same as our son.
No expectations, just the way it is in my family.

I wouldn't take it personally, it's normal for people to give more money, gifts, support etc. to their children than their spouse.

I don't, I find it funny. It does mean I leave DHs relationship with them to him though - no wifework remembering of dates, cards or gifts.

I think you've done a great job and a nice thing. Fuck your parents and their inheritance nonsense, when your DC are older they may well decide to share their inheritance with their siblings. If not, I think step children usually expect to be treated differently re inheritance so hopefully you and DH can prepare them a bit somehow OP. Sounds to me like this goes beyond them thinking blood is thicker than water and also being about control. They obviously don't like not having control of you and this situation so are doubling down. Still they must have done something right somewhere as you seem to have a wonderful approach -though i suspect in spite of them rather than because!

So by this rationale if I decide to marry someone my parents should never have to talk to him, or get him a Christmas card or gift, or invite him to family events? What a sad little life you must lead to justify this horrid behaviour.

Obviously they would need to prove it was gifted under those conditions (and I’m not assuming they can’t). OP knows it was, which is why she was wrong to do what she did.

Yes, I definitely do think your missing something.

It's just so selfish to expect people to feel the same way you do and to treat people exactly the same way as you do, and to deceive people in attempt to do what you want.

If they do feel the same way, then that's great, but if they don't, it's absolutely normal and OK. I'm not talking about your family hating the people you choose to love, but just not loving them the same way you do, and not having to feel guilty about that.

I'm only going to speak on the case that the OP has presented and not hypotheticals.

I think you're absolutely correct @Tiredofallthis101, this is all about control. They don't care how their own daughter feels about it, nor how the bio-grandchildren/step-grandchildren will feel about it in future. It's all about their wants.

That is so horrible of your parents, I would get if they just didn't think. But to hear SC talk about how much they love the boxes, to then purposely be spiteful about excluding them is awful. I would do exactly the same in your shoes.

I was also the SC growing up, and my younger brothers dad family took me on and I never felt any different. Even now at 34 my brothers biological cousins are my cousins, my brothers nan is my nan and great nan to my children. My brothers aunties and uncles are my aunties and uncles, and so on.

The memories of have with them are amazing, I appreciate so much what they have given me, and continue to give me and my children who hold no biological ties with them, eventhough my mom has not been with my brothers dad for nearly 20 years now.

It sounds like you are a person like them, and you are absolutely amazing for it. If your parents want to spite children let them carry on..... they will be the lonely miserable ones

You have just put words in my mouth.

What do you not understand about a person not feeling, or loving someone the same way you might? It is beyond selfish to try and force them to, or make them feel guilty for not doing so.

Who said anything about not talking to someone, or getting a Xmas card, or an invite? Respect should always be present, but it works both ways.

If you have to twist my words, then you know you have lost the argument already.

Their daughter doesn’t care how they feel. Instead she’s taking their money and gifts and lying to them about who they’re being given to. They’re not trying to control OP - they’re saying they won’t be controlled by her.

As far as their assets go - they are fully within their rights to control them. Why would they leave them in the hands of someone that’s proven themselves untrustworthy (and she has done just that, regardless of whether you think she was justified in what she did)?

I do hope you are not the OPs parents

How they "feel" is totally irrelevant. We all have private responses and opinions, some negative, about people in our orbit.

Decent people don't act on those negative feelings; they take the adult approach of being compassionate toward the children and doing more than the rock-bottom bare minimum.

So is how OP feels then.

‘Decent’ people arguably don’t try and steamroll others into taking on roles they’ve explicitly stated they have no intention of filling.

They’ve made it clear to her that they’re not going to do what she wants. She’s made it clear to them that she doesn’t mind deceiving them, and that they can’t trust her to respect their wishes when it comes to what they’ve given. Unsurprisingly, they’re now going to make sure that she isn’t going to be the one receiving their assets upon their death.

And yes I know, they and anyone agreeing with them are indecent, big meanies, cruel, and so on and so forth. Have memorized the script already 🫠

you don’t have to love them the same way, but you do have to accept and treat them as part of the family. I don’t love my SIL the same way my brother does but I accept her as my family, because she is. I don’t leave her out of gift giving at Christmas. If I excluded my DIL and acted like she wasn’t a member of my extended family, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t see my brother and his family that often . That’s how it works . Nothing selfish about it. Children who join the family are no less important and worthy of consideration than adults.

I have cousins who are steps. They came to the family when they were 1 and 2 and lived full time with their Dad and my Mum’s sister. They were treated as family right the way through their childhood, up to when they go married. Apart from my Gran, my parents, me and one other cousin they were dropped like hot potatoes at that point - no more Christmas cards, birthday cards etc. One of my aunts said to me “they’re not really family when all’s said and done, so I’m not bothering any more.” How cruel is that? They came to us as babies, after their parents split (and they didn’t see their birth mother again as she didn’t want to see them). You sound lovely, OP, even if your parents aren’t.

OP hasn't tried to steam-roller them into taking on roles they've explicitly stated they have no intention of filling.

She knows what they are like and their antipathy towards her step children. She is not asking her parents to treat her stepkids in the same way as their own grandkids. She has just taken steps to ensure that her stepkids don't feel deliberately excluded on Christmas Eve and from the family outings. That's it. She was not expecting them to leave anything to her step children in their will.

However, disinheriting their own daughter to ensure that there is absolutely no possibility of her stepchildren ever receiving or benefitting from from her inheritance in any way is a clear statement that will ruin their relationship forever.

There was a poster on here whose wealthy mother, who she was very close to and had a great relationship with, told her that she was splitting everything between her two brothers and that she wouldn't get anything. It changed their relationship completely and the OP of that thread hardly saw her mother any more.

They can't expect their daughter to maintain her relationship with them and with her children. after this So they may win this battle but lose the war.

I'm not sure why there is such a need to tell people what they must or must not do.

It would be nice for everyone to love and treat people the same. Family, or not. However, everyone is entitled to do what they want, and different situations and factors can be the cause which makes this difficult at times. Consequences can come into play also, if people feel disrespected in any way.

Just a side note: We should remember that if we are receiving total disrespect from anyone, including an extended family member, then that might make it extremely difficult to treat them as part of the family.

So let's just say that things are fairly amicable "on the whole" in the OPs case. Well they were before her parents found out about her ongoing deceit and lack of regard for them.

As I have said earlier in my posts, I, personally, do not think the parents giving money to the GC and not the SC was wrong, but I do not agree with not including them in the Xmas boxes. It would be nice to give them something. However, whatever they decide to do is their perogative.

I also do not agree with the OPs deceitful way of handling the parents gift. We see the consequences came into play on both sides because each side felt very disrespected.

It is indeed selfish of the OP to "expect" her parents to treat the SC exactly the same as the GC. Re-distributing the parents gift to the GC because they did not follow her request was very selfish and disrespectful. She did what she wanted to make herself feel better about the situation. She had other options but she chose to go against her parents wishes. It doesn't matter why she did it. It was totally out of order, in my opinion.

When we start expecting people to do things, and we disregard their decisions and control what they do without their knowledge, it becomes a selfish act, to say the least.

I believe anyone who believes this is OK and there are very many on this thread who do, are equally as selfish and disrespectful.

This is always a tough one. My DGPs clearly have a very strong relationship with my children, they enjoy spending time with them and are very close. However I also have SC. My mum has always included SC when they are here, she has taken them out for days out, includes them in Xmas Eve stuff too and buys them birthday presents etc. DPs DGPs also do the same with mine.

I do get though they all like to spend time with their own DGPs so often on DPs side they take SC to a hobby they both like that my DC don't and my DGPs sometimes take mine out to do stuff on a day SC isn't here. I think that's ok as no one is missing out and still get their special time.

There are ways to do this, but to give DC something when SC are there and purposely leave them out is just mean, I would have done the same as you OP and included them, but it would have been no skin off your parents nose to do that themselves. I don't understand the point they are making.

Inheritance is more complicated and I kind of get that part, but it's mean to point that out in these circumstances and it should have been a much nicer conversation.

I believe anyone who believes this is OK and there are very many on this thread who do, are equally as selfish and disrespectful.

Yes but your entire perspective screams narcissist who expects your adult children to do exactly your bidding or face the consequences.

She wants her parents to consider her stepchildren as grandchildren, as she considers them her children. They’ve told her that they won’t do this, so she’s tried to force the issue.

She took their money for their grandchildren and split it between them and her stepchildren. She deceived both them and her stepchildren, who she led to believe had a relationship with her parents that doesn’t exist. That you approve of this deception does not make it any less of a deception, and the people on the receiving end of it are well within their rights to consider her untrustworthy and respond accordingly. Why would they leave their assets in the hands of the daughter they don’t trust?

Who knows what OP and their relationship will or will not look like going forward? If OP wants to cut them off though because they’re not going to leave her money she isn’t entitled to and because she hasn’t been able to control their relationship with her stepchildren, then quite frankly she’d be doing them a favour. In that event perhaps her children will do what others on another thread did and establish and build the relationship when they’re independently able to - that didn’t go so well for their mother and half sibling though, who they resented for being the reason for estrangement.

”Accept your adult children will deliberately lie to you to get what they want! They’re entitled to spend your money, given for a specific purpose, on what they want to, knowing you wouldn’t like it, but if you ever levy consequences then you’re the problem!”

Lying to people and trying to force your perspective onto them will usually result in a worsening of your relationship with them, shockingly enough.

😂😂😂 How funny!

I am one who respects that people have the freedom to do what they wish to do. I may not like the decisions they make, but they are entitled to them and I just have to deal with that. This is acceptance!. This has been my entire perspective from the beginning, and my comments clearly show that!

I have no expectations of anyone, including my family members. I should not "expect" my decisions to affect them, especially where their finances are concerned. I just appreciate anything that they give and the help they provide. I also understand if they cannot give in any way.

To be clear. I agree and disagree with the OPs parents on things and I commend the OP on including her SC and treating them as her own. However, I do not agree with how she handled her parents gift and understand why her parents no longer trust her where their finance's and will are concerned.

You on the other hand have the perspective of it is ok to act with utter disrespect and disregard of a person and their wishes if they do not do what "you believe" is the correct way for them to act, and if they do not do what "you want them to do".

Now you tell me who sounds like the narcissist?

You honestly lost your case ages ago!

It would probably be doing both of them a favour if OP cut off contact with her parents. They share no common values so a future relationship would be impossible. Her younger children may want to have a relationship with their maternal grandparents when they are old enough and that would be their decision.

However, when they are young, the relationship would need to be facilitated by the OP and she absolutely has the right not to do this.

From OP's description of how they behaved when she was a child, they are not kind or empathetic people. Their treatment of OP's stepkids is unkind and deliberately divisive. At the moment, OP's children love their half siblings, they share a dad and paternal grandparents. They will still have a happy childhood without regular contact with OP's parents.

It isn't clear whether OP's parents have other children and grandchildren. If they don't, they may end up having a very lonely old age.

This narcissist comment is for all those who believe it is absolutely fine and correct to lie, be deceitful, to disregard a persons wishes and to be disrespectful. You definitely fall into this category.

In the short term sure, but if OP chooses to go that route she may very well be causing herself pain in the long term. Her relationship with her own children could end up just as damaged as hers is with her parents.

‘A lonely old age’ for the parents is hardly a foregone conclusion, and nor is it in any way inferior to having a relationship with someone that will happily deceive you, is only there for as long as they can use you to prop up their fantasy, and tell you what to do.