Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

this is so true! I’m so tired of this mantra of GP don’t have to accept SGC as part of the family if they don’t want to. Of course they do- Just like they have to accept the partner you choose. It’s part of the deal if they want to remain part of the extended family.

Well said, @Tandora

Nonsense.

The grandparents can "feel" whatever they please in private but they need to respect OP's choices and family via their actions.

Or they can sit home alone.

Horrible attitude, they sound vile.

One of my DDs dated a guy with two young children, and if it had turned out to be serious and long term we would absolutely have embraced them into the family. It's wrong to do anything else. They're kids FFS.

You sound really lovely op, and so do your step children. Your parents sound horrible, ignore them!

I don't think her parents are furious because she was kind. I think its because she took it upon herself to re-distribute their gift without their knowledge. I'm not sure anyone would appreciate someone doing that regardless of the reasons. I think a conversation needs to be had first.

I don't think it's on her parents to see that her SC are not disappointed. It is just unfortunate if they are and is usually the case at times with integrated families. Her parents just happen to have been caught up in it all. "They didn't decide" she should gain SC. So I don't think it's totally fair for them and their decisions to be judged and questioned, especially on what they decide to give to their grandchildren.

I think its on the actual parent and step parent to make the children feel as included as they possibly can and to also explain some things to the kids about the situation. However, it must be considered what we are doing to make them feel included. Is it unfairly affecting other people in a negative way?

I think it’s lovely that you shared the gift out and it’s a shame that it wasn’t intended that way by the givers.
Listen, I’ve bought gifts for people I don’t like because they are loved by someone I love. It’s an extension of a gift to my loved one. I’m talking about adults here.
I think the grandparents are mean and no way would I be dropping off my dc on their orders for an exclusive activity.

Well I spoke to my parents last night (they contacted us). They take my point on board they have said they will do a box for 4 BUT they are seeking advice about my inheritance which they now want to leave in trust to my 2 dc as they have ‘concerns’ and ‘want to protect their grandchildren’s futures) because if i die before dh it all goes to him then when he dies would go between 4 dc 🤦 basically I’ve been told ‘have your little victory and we get the big one’

Wow they are truly nasty. I’d just give them a wide berth for a while OP.

That certainly tells you everything you need to know about them. I'm sorry your parents are like this OP.

Op you are lovely. I think what I'd do is let the GPs do a Christmas eve box for the 2 little ones and you do a separate one for the two older ones, you can make it age appropriate then too and give the teenagers something they'd like in theirs. Don't make a big deal of who gifted the boxes and the children may not take much notice that one box is from grandparents and one from you.

But I do think it's sad that people are like your parents and that they don't just want to share the Christmas love round all of the children! It dues t cost much more to get chocolate and sweets for all 4!

I think the money is a separate thing and probably all of the money should go towards to the younger two grandchildren.

Oh gosh I just read the update about your inheritance!!! So they are basically cutting you out of their will??? Oh my god. They are nasty

Well ‘bypassing’ me apparently as they don’t trust me with their money

That is truly, truly awful.
That would be it for me I am afraid.

By most peoples standards the grandparents are not nice people. So I think that the idea that reducing contact with the DC would be detrimental is debatable. I wouldn't want my DC around such mean spirited and yes..spiteful..people. it takes a particular sort of unpleasant character to exclude children and to be angry in the face of a child's pleasure in a gift, and such people tend to weave a web of toxicity through their families that means few benefit from close relationships with them. The OP is making a roaring success of a blended family with the children front and centre. She shouldn't allow her parents unpleasantness to erode that.

Oh wow that’s a cracker. Arn’t they lovely. Some people are so obsessed with ‘blood.’ Family is so much more than that.

No they are cutting you out, so if they die you won't get a penny of it as it's going to your two children? Or will they give some to you and some to your two children? I think I'd be going very low contact from now on. I'm so sorry.

They have only conceded on the Christmas Eve box because you were willing to cut them out of your Christmas Eve celebrations and would not agree to sending your children to them on Christmas Eve.

Who do they expect to administer this trust after they have died? Are they expecting you to do it?

You should distance yourself from your parents as they are determined to exclude your stepchildren in the most hurtful ways possible. They are not good people for your children to be around.

I'd tell them to fuck off and go NC for the foreseeable.

What vile, stingy, manipulative creatures. Your kids don't need their influence in life.

I wouldn't want them to do a box for any of the children now. I would defo want to see exactly what was in each of them before they got handed to the children in case they try to play any nasty games with the contents.

It's mad how you (a kind, caring, considerate, empathetic and loving person) has come from people like that.

Have a great Christmas with all of the children, no doubt you all will in a house full of so much care and love - despite any attempted nastiness and exclusion from others. Continue to protect the children from it as best you can, you're doing a great job.

Think I wouldn't be accepting any gifts from them from now on!

Truly nasty. Go low contact for a while OP, let them have a think about it. Not that it will make any difference probably.

I wonder how they would have felt if you had adopted children.

Was your step DC aware of your mother's reaction at the time?

Nonsense!

Respect works both ways.

It's their money, their choice. As everyone will say on here on an inheritance thread.

If you already are changing the way money that is given to you for their grandchildren is distributed, why would you expect them to trust you in the future to carry out their wishes ?

Bit of a nuclear option though and not great for relations.

If money wasn't a problem then this could have all been headed off easily at the pass by simply making sure the grandkids got money from their grandparents and you made up the money for the other kids from your own.

Instead it is now escalating beyond anything reasonable.