Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

I think that the news on the inheritance is really insulting.

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know

From what the OP has said so far it wouldn't surprise me if the grandparents constantly remind them that they're the 'real' grandchildren...

Wow, that's... really controlling. Is that what they said or was it just the implication?

An inheritance is very different from Christmas boxes and treat money so I would have less of an issue with that but for them to put it that way... and to tell you to your face... it really shows their thinking. How sad to be so miserly.

I agree that inheritance is a different thing altogether but telling her to her face like that is extremely telling about their attitude. They didn't have to tell her and the fact they did smacks of rather nasty controlling tendencies.

Personally I think it's really sad to be that miserly and difficult even after they'd seen how much the SC had enjoyed the boxes. How can you possibly resent making children happy?

Agree.

And unless one of them is on their deathbed, dragging inheritance into the discussion is crass, manipulative and frankly quite sick. Says a lot about them.

You really don’t need this negativity in your life. They are so concerned about the future, they can’t see what’s under their nose now. Don’t they realise that they could die at any time and their money could help you bring up their grandchildren? Clearly they totally resent your sdc. I could understand them leaving specific legacies for their gc but to totally exclude you is disgusting

Its goes beyond that. Its about power and control. They decided to make a point of excluding the SC, and OP has thwarted them. They are furious at the loss of control and are making a power grab with the only weapon they have, their legacy. If they cared so much about what sort of treat the DC had with their money they'd have taken them out, or bought tickets for something. All they did was throw money and an instruction the SC were not to share in it and are furious the OP put the DC first and didn't comply. I don't see any way the escalation could have been avoided here. The GPs are as invested in excluding the SC as OP is in including them, a conflict that will never be resolved, as they won't change, and OP shouldn't change.

Yes obviously it’s their money their choice. I ended the conversation after that because I don’t know how to respond to them if I’m honest.

You sound like an amazing stepmum and a great role model too for all of your DC (and your parents too if they cared to learn from this).

I agree. Ops children are really little so wouldn't be able to access that money until they were 18 presumably. if her parents died who is paying for the funeral etc. if daughter is cut out of the will? (Maybe it can be paid for out of the estate before it goes in trust for grandchildren but makes it very difficult).
This I think is also very offensive to Ops husband and basically is saying they don't trust him either! But he is parent to all 4 children and you'd hope they would trust him to make sure is all fair. It's insulting!

I am typically one of the "grandparents don't have to treat step "grandchildren" like their own GC" brigade.

But I do think they are being unreasonable with aspects.

I do think YABU to split money given by them for thr GC between all of the kids. If you don't want it to be obvious then put it in your children's bank or give it back. Children may not have legal "rights" to money but I do think it's morally dubious to take a gift intended for one person and split it between others it wasn't intended for.

My mother sends my son money every month to his bank account, she doesn't send my SC anything to theirs. I'd never dream of taking that money and splitting it secretly between the kids. It would feel deceptive. They aren't her grandchildren and if she wanted to give them her hard earned money she would.

I do think it's petty of them not to just throw a few extra treats in the Xmas eve box though, especially considering they know SC are there on Xmas eve and especially now they know DSC enjoy it.

I think it probably would have been better though if you'd just made separate boxes for DSC from yourself from the start and not pretended they were from your parents. You've essentially tricked DSC into thinking your parents care about them when they don't and it was probably never going to end well.

I wouldn't be depriving my DC of a relationship with their GPs over this but I also wouldn't be dropping them round on Xmas eve. Regardless of any of the SC situation it's a weird demand anyway, they aren't entitled to spend Xmas eve with them. If you want to spend it as a family then that's up to you.

This! They have made you feel awkward about something under your roof and in your home. You did what you felt was fair and kind.

I think you are absolutely lovely. Do your own boxes this year and absolutely they will not be going there Christmas Eve as that is your family time and for all the children to be together. You do not owe them anything.

Gottoshare, I've had the same, but the other way round. My child was 'the outsider' with my husbands family, and his children were openly favoured in front of my child, to the point where my child was left out of everything.It was hurtful and cruel. My husband had a massive argument with his mother and the result was she never saw any of them again. How anyone can hurt a child is beyond me, and all because of their heritage? It's disgusting. Stick to your guns x

Had the parents had concerns over who got what, they could have easily had a will to leave half to their daughter and half to their grandchildren.
In the cold light of day, I think people leaving houses/money can have concerns about where the money ends up. It’s modern life. The days of parents staying married for life and having 2.4 children are pretty much over.
What I find sad for these GP is all of the fun they are missing out on. If they have an estate to leave, good, sort it out and get on with living.
Some people just want endless drama dressed up as control.
I am sure OP would be fair in her own will if she has one, too.
But her parents clearly don’t trust her to make a decision about anything, which is just awful.

Good for your DH doing the right thing!

If it was me in your situation they’d end up spending all their money on carers and additional help in their old age because sure as hell I wouldn’t be putting myself out to support them. At least you know you stand.

I think when it comes to extended family and step children there is no point it being a one fits all rule.

A child living full time with their mother and her husband with no father on the scene being consistently left out of everything in their main home is very different to children going to their father and step mothers home a couple of times a week, barely know the SMs parents and have two sets of GPs themselves.

One would be hurtful, the other probably not that big of a deal.

My parents don't do much at all for my SC other than a few token gifts at Christmas. They barely know them. I met DH when they were already at the end of primary school, they live most of the week with their mum and they probably see my parents a handful of times a year if that. Whereas they've known my child since birth, see him multiple times a week etc.. obviously it's going to be different. I'd be daft trying to pretend they should or do feel the same.

I might have missed it, but is the stepchildren's mother still on the scene? I can't see what the actual arrangement is? Do the children live with OP full time? Is she alive but absent? Has she died?
From what is said, it seems she is not around, but if she is, does not provide at Xmas? And will they get an inheritance from her?

.

OP has been dishonest and has proven that she can't be trusted to follow their wishes with a few hundred quid. Why on earth would they trust her to follow their wishes with their whole inheritance? To me it sounds like she would split it between all 4 children because she believes it is right despite it explicitly not being what they want. So I can't blame them for the update on the will. If is a common concern of older people in blended families that money will be taken away from their descendants, not unusual or spiteful to make sure it only goes to their grandchildren in my eyes.

All of this drama could have been avoided if she had just made a box for the step children herself and paid for the stepchildrens days out to match the gift to the grandchildren from their grandparents.

However much hand wringing people want to do about this she cannot dictate that her parents give gifts and money to her step children just because she wants them to and has no right to be outraged that she has been found out in her redistribution of their gifts and money without their permission.

They didn’t actually say have “your little victory and we get the big one,” did they? That’s your interpretation of their meaning, if I understood your post correctly.

There are other interpretations.

They agree to treat the children all the same with the Christmas Eve boxes, which is the outcome you wanted. Your SC will now be properly included. That’s a big step forward. The part of Christmas your SC looked forward to is preserved and everyone is equal.

The inheritance thing is totally separate. For many people, they regard what they pass in to their families as their legacy and they feel very emotional about who gets what.

One of my siblings has 4 stepchildren. My parents rewrote their wills to leave their estate to their grandchildren rather than their children.

They wanted to be sure it was their grandchildren who benefited from a lifetime of saving, not receive 1/6 of it. We understand that is what’s important to them. It was never “our” money to begin with.

If your parents are agreeing to treat the children the same day to day but financially only give to their own grandchildren, that’s a great compromise. It’s a significant win for you. What matters is how the children are included, and they are. What happens with wills a long way off is of no concern to them at all.

(if not, and those were the words they used, then yes, they are bastards)

OP, I’ve read all your posts and regarding the recent updates, all I can say is ‘Ouch!’.

I’d let it rest for a while though and just be very wary. You’ve got the message(s) and can just tread very carefully now.

As an aside, I wonder if they would have a sliding scale of Christmas/birthday input if you’d brought a child from a previous relationship to your marriage and if you and your husband had adopted a child as well as having two of your own; how many points woiuld each child score ?

No accounting for other people’s actions but, sadly, your parents do seem controlling. I can sort of understand them wanting to make specific provision for their blood grandchildren in their wills but that comment about victories was plain nasty.

I get the concern about inheritance actually. My friend's mother trustingly made a mirror will, leaving everything as she thought to be split evenly between the children. She didn't realise this wasn't legally binding. Her husband (SF) then changed the will after her death, leaving everything to his own children. Substantial sums of money can be lost this way. It's a conversation to be had between your DH and yourself as well. There are ways of safeguarding inheritance without cutting you out too. But as you get older, it does unfortunately become a concern. It's realistic to accept that and look into it

Well, you’ve demonstrated that they can’t trust you to respect their wishes over their money, so now they’ve changed their will to account for this.

It’s not uncommon for grandparents to bypass their children to leave directly to their biological grandchildren. They want their assets to remain in the family, which is quite reasonable.

I think trust issues have developed now, and I don't think your parents are wrong to be concerned about their money and their grandchildrens future either. This is just what happens with integrated families. It's not always about not accepting the kids or being vile people.

I believe they do want to ensure that their hard-earned money doesn't totally end up outside of their own family at some point. This could be a genuine fear, which your action in re-distributing their money without telling them and overriding their decision has caused. I would think it's made them look at the bigger picture.

There is a 50/50 chance that you could pass away before your DH and you might trust that he would leave your children financially secure, but I understand why your parents may not, and so wouldn't want to take any chances.

As others have said here, your SC have another side of family to inherit from, so it seems they may end up with more than your own DC. I think your parents might have considered this too.