Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

IMO it isn't complex at all. It's very simple and straightforward. YMMV.

No idea what that means. Care to explain?

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

I have 6 sc, 2 dds with my husband and a ds from a previous relationship. My brother has 2 sc, a dd with his wife and a dd from a previous relationship. My sister has 1 sd and 4 dcs with her partner.
None of them are ever referred to as step niece/nephew/sister/brother/cousin/grandchild. We all treat our sc as our own and that means all our very large family accept it and treat them the same.
My in-laws welcomed my son 20 years ago and have never treated him differently. I'm so thankful because I couldn't imagine how hard it would have been for both of us if they hadn't.
I think you're doing the right thing for your family op and I hope you all have a lovely Christmas together.

I agree it was mean not to want the four children share a goody box at Christmas. Why would your mum do this? Have you asked her? Perhaps she is upset that your nuclear family has increased in size, with people not related to your mum diluting it in some way, so that she keeps insisting on the difference between your children and your partners. In other words, she may have an issue with you, not the kids, who are soft targets for her angry disappointment. Get her to talk about how she sees your new relationship and how it affects her and perhaps she'll be able to move beyond this pettiness.

They don't need to see them as their grandchildren as they aren't, but even if they were just your kids' visiting friends, how can you give some and not the others?

Disgusting behaviour.

Explain what? You responded to my post by saying, "It's a nice idea but more complex than that." I wrote that IMO it isn't complex at all, but rather straightforward and simple (meaning that in a blended family, children should be treated as part of the family).

I think this is the fairest way to proceed. I actually agree with you sharing out the treats and sweets between the four of your children, but not the money. Grandparents have the right to choose who they give money to and the SC have their own GP to provide for them. I’m surprised your DP reacted so badly to your SC such obvious joy at their gifts. I’d have been delighted at their reaction and pleased you had dealt with the issue better than me.

That is truly awful. Christmas is for giving.

No, you're missing the point.

She wanted the kids to be treated the same by the grandparents or for them to at at least think they were.

I'd say your attitude of pandering to people is far more martyr-like than the OP's.

So if it turned out that one of your birth children was mistakenly substituted for another in the hospital would your parents then cut them out? This whole blood is thicker than water business drives me nuts. But then I have four adopted children and I would go no contact with anyone that tried to treat them any differently from my birth children

Er, yes, they do have to accept them! Supporting your DC’s marriage is their job, and since you haven’t mentioned that they are estranged from your DH, they are just being crass (and mean) - which when you think about it, is a really s**y to do to their DGC’s half-siblings, not to mention punishing you, too…

Sounds like somone forgot to tell them what Christmas is about.

Suggest they watch A Christmas Carol and take notes.

I get this but it sounds like OP thinks of them as hers to a large extent and has unofficially ‘adopted’ them (obv they have their own mother) as her own, or thinks of them fully as her children’s other siblings, which is really nice and healthy. If she HAD legally adopted them for whatever reason, then they would be their grandchildren, albeit not biologically. She could have chosen to adopt other children for that matter and it would be hoped they’d be accepted as part of the family.

I guess it’s all to do with how they see them vs how their daughter sees them as to whether they would ever consider kids who aren’t blood-related as part of their family. Many SM’s don’t have a positive relationship and view SC very much as their partner’s other kids, the OP is the opposite, so it would be hoped her parents would see them part of the wider family too - they are their GC’s half-siblings FGS, so are in fact biologically related to them!

It’s very sad that the SC believe they are loved and cared for by the GP when they actually aren’t though. I hope they didn’t pick up on your parents’ fury, OP, how awful.

Going back to the specifics of the post, it is a difficult issue as ideally they would be treating them all the same, but if they don’t want to you can’t make them buy the older kids things. I guess the only thing you could do is prevent them from buying extra xmas/non birthday presents for your own children. Awkward and difficult to police though as, other than barring contact, they can give these to them anyway at any time.

I think it was lovely that you were including them yourself so they didn’t feel left out and ‘othered’ from the family celebration. I hope your parents’ attitude towards them changes for the better before resentment builds and the bridges are burned. It would be such a shame.

This is an interesting point. I stand by my previous post (not ref’s by this PP) but I do agree you have a point, especially where £ is concerned. Re-gifting a present given to you is different to re-distributing a gift given to somebody else through you. If you take away the emotional side of this scenario involving family and kids, the morality would be the equivalent to a friend giving you a selection of chocolates to pass on to a mutual friend from them, and you deciding to divide them up to give to your other friends too bc you think they’d like them as well. Very different to someone giving you the chocolates as your present and you then deciding to divvy them up to others etc. bc they are yours.

Interesting one. I guess from an objective perspective you are right. Perhaps the OP could have put the £ into a savings account for the GC without letting the children know and simply mirrored the other presents for the SC so that technically the presents bought for the GC were going to them. The only dubiously ‘immoral’ aspect would then be that they were signed off as to coming from the GP, which they weren’t, but I think we all know who is morally in the wrong here. I can see the GP’s gripe with their presents being shared, but maybe they need to reflect on the meaning of ‘family’ and how it has evolved in current times and they will hopefully be more open to including their SGC in the future so that there is no need for OP to adapt their presents to accommodate her family dynamics, which they should respect anyway.

I do think some people are posting as if the OP had her 2 children before she got married to her DH. As the 4 are half-siblings this is in no way the same as a short lived marriage where everyone could end up going their separate ways. Say they split - they're still going to live with these kids when their dad has his half of custody.

Totally agree with this

Your additional bits added to the box are no expense to them. They need to stop being nasty.
i would tell them to stop the box and no you won’t be dropping the kids to them. This would cause me to go nc to be honest.

YANBU you did the right thing. I'd literally laugh out loud at the idea of them having your kids Xmas eve.

ihave been in this situation and it is hard with my own children when remarried .but they should treat them the same . but im afraid most people in this situation do not .i understand you adding to box so all are included .unfortunately i dont see my grandchildren since i posted on here and its heartbreaking but maybe i was wrong to go on here and have paid dearly

You did the right thing, anyone with a heart would have done the same thing. The people who are saying otherwise just don’t have a heart, how could you see children be disappointed and left out at Christmas. Your parents are horrible people, if the don’t want to buy step children presents, that’s mean but ok, their choice, but to be furious at you for being kind, shows what sort of people they really are. Good for you that your not the same as them.

No such thing as grandparents rights, I know I looked it up when my existed bat ahit crazy mum tried to pull that one. Plus even if there was she would need to take you to court to invoke them. Tell your mum that you chose to treat the children equally and if she is not willing to do that you told her to stop going the box. That is what she said she will do. Therefore you are not dropping off your children and missing out on Christmas eve, you will be making your own box.

Ex's bat shit crazy. Stupid phone

What!! Of course they do, if they didn’t, why would they be furious and now wanting their grandchildren to go to there house ? It’s so they can be certain the sgc are totally excluded. They are clearly horrible people!

I understand that your parents are not happy with you re-distributing their gifts without their knowledge. I do think that you doing this is rather unreasonable. However, I also understand why you felt the need to do it, which was out of love and kindness. You all have valid reasons to feel as you do. It's just a difficult situation.

Would you have been prepared to equal the amount of money that your parents gave to your DC and share it between all of them, but still pretend it was from your parents?

I'm not saying you should do this, but that way you are not affecting and lessening the value of how much your parents choose to give to their grandkids. Your parents might have less of a problem with that too, and they may look like the good people that you want them to appear as.

I just dont think your parents should have to suffer by having their decisions questioned and their money controlled because of the decisions you make in life. I dont think that they should automatically feel the way you do about your integrated family either. So maybe instead of them suffering, you could consider shouldering a bit more by adding to what they give and then sharing it out, which I think is a little bit fairer.

I wish you all the best.