Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

I have just read all your posts OP and was a bit shocked by all the people who thought you had done something wrong with sharing the box, then I realised it was just one, persistent, person. Your parents sound very mean spirited. Being left out of the Christmas Eve box would have been something your DSC would never have forgotten, well done for making sure they never felt that rejection.

My husband promised to quit smoking weed as its ruining our relationship. When he smokes,he becomes sluggish and lazy..i also believe its affecting his memory as his failed his exams thrice. He only smokes when he's home on break from work as he works away on the ships..
I honestly don't know what to do as i have tried everything. FYI,he's voice has also been affected and has been for loads of treatment where they've asked him to quit smoking.
I feel like he doesn't care about his health nor us as a family..i know weed isn't a hard drug but has its negative effects.
Please advise.

Also, I'm sorry there are some very bizarre and deranged people siding with your parents - A lot of people have undiagnosed BPD, these days. It seems they all like to flock to NetMums.

I wish there were more step-parents and step-children like you in the world. The world has a massive gain with you all in it. Your parents behaviour is a reflection on themselves and you need to tell them that. The Guardian recently wrote a lovely article on 'Parent Estrangement'. It really helped me with my thoughts because I've not spoken to mine in 5 months, after a lifetime of abuse from Mother and step-father.

To play devil's advocate, what would happen if the grandparents died and left an inheritance to their biological grandchildren? Would you expect that to be shared? If not how would you explain that to the children who aren't theirs?
I agree that it would be nice if all got a box at Xmas, but it does lead to issues if they expect equal treatment in all things
For info, I was a step child, I received nothing when my stepmother died. Her daughter, my half sister, inherited everything. I'm not bitter. That's life.

I think what is hardest about this is it seems OP parents are not buying SC anything not just they are not equal.

I was a step child and had two sets of step GP. One we saw a lot, one lived abroad so we rarely ever saw them.

Thr set we saw, treated us very well and were more generous at Christmas than our own grandparents (both sets had 10+ GC, steps only had 1 plus 3 stepGC). However they weren’t as generous as they with with their own GC and my siblings and I never expected them to be. We would be with our step cousin on Christmas Day opening presents and could see hers was bigger and better but we knew why and it didn’t make us feel bad. I think had be had nothing from then it may have felt differently.

I do remember my DM arguing with SDM about her parents not buying us anything - to be fair, they sent money for DM to purchase gifts as that was more practical so it’s not as clear if they excluded us or SDM was excluding us. So one year at least SDM bought us a token gift labeled from her parents.

What actually hurt more was our DF treating us more like a niece or nephew compared to our half siblings ie we only ever got one present from them like a Barbie or a car when we knew our half siblings got loads (I was 9/12 and when half siblings were born so I didn’t believe in Santa and new presents were bought by parents).

Without knowing them this is my thinking - they've bonded with your DC's but not step children? Or am I reading that wrong? If that's the case they are just seeing the Step kids as not their GC. I would not support it but I think it's a case of educating them & letting them know your boundaries. Tell them straight, you understand their position (even if you don't) but won't tolerate them treating the children differently. It's treating them the same or not at all. Be prepared though they might push back

I love that the Granny Grinches have shown up to prove to us that actually some people would do this and would be FURIOUS that their precious £100 was being SHARED with some NON BLOOD RELATIVES! Just coz they are like children and just Their Grandchildren would like an outing more if it had their siblings there.

I guess I cannot see that point of view and I am very pleased by that.

How have you been ok so lovely, Having parents like that!!

And you are doing really well. They are trying to control you and your family.

There you have it.

Your parents truly are the most unpleasant of people. I am so sorry.

I know.

Instead of extending goodwill toward what sound like sweet, lovely children. What utter Scrooges they must be.

The thought of the teens looking for bells so the little one can hear Santa and reindeer coming brings a tear to my eye.

You are completely right, I don’t know how your mother didn’t think oh my goodness that means so much to them, daughter has been splitting everything between 4, this year I will make sure there is enough for all of them. They seem quite mean.

Not their grandkids so they have every right to be annoyed with you.
So out of spite their grandkids will lose out.

All of the children are DH's so I would hope so.

They are all his children.

Just this.

@Gottoshare if your parents ever bring up "blood is thicker than water", please tell them that the full phrase is:

"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the blood of the womb."

And you've proven it correct with how you've handled this situation with their parents. Bravo!

I think a lot of people are missing the point here, OP. It is a gift. A gift is freely given without strings. Once they have given the gift the donors don’t get a say. The gift is given to the children via the parents. The parents decide on behalf of the children, who are too young to make the decision themselves, what happens to the gift.
The mother has decided to add to the gift so that the DSC do not miss out. The only shared element are the sweets (which are normally shared items. Nobody wants to see a child hoard sweets for themselves when they are usually passed around) and cash for a Christmas activity.
Ethically, the cash is a little more tricky but ultimately, the parents are right to decide what to do with it if the kids are very young. OP has decided to use the money for all the children knowing the two younger children benefit more from having their older siblings included. This is a value judgement she has every right to make.
OP could argue that if she asked the two younger ones, they would prefer to see their siblings included. They are being brought up in an inclusive household and they are not selfish kids.
So the two issues are the money ( which I think is easily justified) and the fact that the box is deemed to be from the grandparents when the grandparents deliberately want to exclude DSC.
OP could get round any issue by saying that the box is from DGPs and DPs (this is the truth as she adds to it). However, the more salient point is once the gift is given the DGPs don’t get to dictate. If they included a dangerous or inappropriate toy in the box, the OP would be perfectly within her rights to confiscate it as she has parental responsibility. The OP is bringing her children up to be loving, selfless and inclusive. She has made her views clear to the DGPs. Nobody else gets to overturn this approach to child rearing, and certainly not by divisive gifting.
OP, it’s rubbish that you are experiencing this at Christmas. You are right to stand your ground. This is not about a Christmas box or money. It’s about undermining your approach to child-rearing and that is unforgivable.

Your parents sound awful, fair play you!! I don’t really understand how anyone could not that to children at Christmas. I think this year make your own Christmas Eve boxes and tell them you want nothing from them, and that they won’t be seeing DC’s until they can learn to behave properly and treat their siblings with kindness.

You are doing a great job and sound like a lovely person . Don’t let anyone tell you different x

haha possibly the most begrudging 'yes actually you are right' I've ever seen!

I don't think it's the right way to view children, I said quite specifically it would be nice if the grandparents treated all the DC the same, as step DC are treated in my family. But out of the two, the GP were a bit uncaring, OP stole and lied.
Not being a nice person isn't illegal, stealing is!

"Sorry guv I took £50 from the charity tin because I thought the donkeys deserved it more" might come from a good place but wouldn't stand up in court!

I really feel for you! Your parents don't deserve such a lovely daughter. I find it difficult to comprehend their mentality. Nearly every family now is blended in some way, including mine. I might not spend quite so much on step grandchildren but they are cherished and included.

Please explain who you think is being spiteful here.

Speaking as a grandparent who's son has recently blended to create a new family unit I have to say that I believe you acted correctly. You and DH have 4 children, your parents may not yet feel love for the SC, but they are your family and as such should be treated the same. I couldn't imagine sending presents to my son's home for some of the children and not all - it's just cruel.

I have a grandchild and two step grandchildren, my step grandchildren always get a nice present from me plus chocolate and a book my grandchild main present is always more .. on The pretense that my step grandchildren have an additional set of grandparents .. I would never not get them a present and I think most people would be the same