Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

You sound so lovely I don't understand how you came from your awful cruel parents! I think you've done a lovely thing

You're completely wrong though. If a gift is given with conditions of course the donors get a say. Again, if you give £100 to cancer research you might accept that you don't get to choose whether it's spent on paying staff or TV adverts or whatever, or whether it goes to breast cancer or bowel cancer. But presumably you wouldn't be happy if half of it was then donated to a completely different charity, e.g. the 'Jimmy Saville memorial fund' or Westboro baptist church, because once you've given the gift it's up to the recipient what it's spent on?

If the grandparents just gave OP £100 and didn't say anything about how to spend it, then that would be a gift "freely given without strings". Giving her £100 "to spend on Christmas presents or a Christmas outing for our grandchildren" means that (and only that) is what it should be spent on.

Would you be saying the same if OP had spent a fiver on her kids and the rest on wine for her and her DP? Or given the other £90 to charity?

It doesn't matter than it was a nice thing to spend the money on, it was given for a specific purpose so it is completely morally wrong (and technically illegal) to spend it on something else, and even worse to lie about it for six years!

Of course they do but surely it's [about the message and the acceptance that they are one family there.?

Firstly you are wonderful to make sure that all children are treated fairly. Nothing worse than watching children feel disappointed and their little hearts be disappointed because your parents have missed the understanding of Xmas 🤦🏻‍♀️
What you’ve tried to do by splitting the money and box seems really fair, they don’t really have a say in what you do with your gifts once they’re recieved. This seems so unreasonable and controlling.

I'd say the grandparents reaction is dramatic. Imagine being that furious just because you thought your grandchildren shared their treats with their siblings. It's fucking weird!

Youve done this with the best of intentions and they’re lovely for saying thank you. It’s sad that your parents aren’t interested.

its nice to see such a positive post from a step parent on mumsnet. Go you!

Thats a difficult situation. I can understand totally why you did what you did.
I can also understand the grandparents viewpoint, which is quite old fashioned but also fairly normal for that generation. I think it probably is time for their xmas eve box to stop as it would cause problems in your blended family unit. I wouldnt agree to just their grandkids going to just their grandparents if this isnt what works for your family. A new solution is needed. Maybe you take over the xmas eve box tradition then you can put into it whatever you want. You could also make it a secret santa xmas eve box. You can invite your grandparents to add gifts to it which are just to their grandkids if you like, and any other family members as appropriate, and as before you top up the others as you were doing as needed, so everyone gets a gift and they are all from santa :) Santa saves the day. It could save a lot of tension. This means your parents are only getting gifts for their grandkids. If your parents wont accept that solution then it would seem that they want to hurt the other kids which is another situation entirely.

I agree wholeheartedly.
Imagine justifying leaving SC out of a group Christmas event for a few measly quid. How knowing that leaving them out in this way would spoil the experience of your own 'blood' GC but you would still do it?
And then posters agreeing that this is a reasonable course of action?
I'm amazed!

OP hasn't stolen the money. It was given for a family outing and that is what it was spent on. The step children are family.

I wonder whether OP's parents would have kicked up such a fuss if OP had invited a couple of her children's friends on the outing. They seem to have an almost visceral dislike of OP's step-children and actively look for opportunities to demonstrate the difference in treatment of the two sets of children.

Xmas eve morning? not a chance.

If they want to be unfair, then they can wait the magic of Xmas has passed or not begun. 2 weeks prior or 2 weeks after.

Let’s see if they like to be given a lesser box/no box.

THee is a linguistic plague going on herer. What does "2 dc, dh and 2 dc" mean in English?

I'm also impressed you actually did it. I totally understand why you did, and as they clearly just do not consider your SC as important as their bio-gc I can see why they're in a right huff...

But they are also seriously disrespecting you, their daughter, by blatantly treating the kids you clearly care very much about that way.

....are you new here?

Slight irony complaining about linguistics when I assume you meant "there is..."?

Surely it's pretty evident what it means for the context, but to spell it out "we (poster and her husband) have two children together, my husband also has two older children from a previous relationship (i.e. her step children, her children's half-siblings).

@OldScribbler
Two of *our children, husband with two of his children

You sound a lovely person. We have a step grandchild and have always treated them the same as our others. Wouldn't have dreamed of treating them differently, even to driving lessons etc. we love them as our own and are still close.

Balletcat you are made of stone. The 4 people concerned in this dispicable behavour that needs covering up are children. The SC are lovely humans who care for their younger siblings.
Step and blood are bollocks.
Grandparents should support their emotionally highly intelligent daughter.
OP I'm a chartered psychologist helping thousands in my lifetime and your behaviour is right on every level.

Can I just say that your SC sound like amazing little souls! You also sound like an amazing StepMum to them! On behalf of your children and step children, thank you!

As a step daughter of a man who made it clear how much he despised me and told me often - this really hurt me to read.

I totally understand why you’d do what you have and I can’t understand why they’d want leave them out, especially when they’re so lovely to your biological children.

I can see the side that the grandparents might spend more on their own grandchildren - I always accepted and understood that. It never really bothered me. But to leave them out of Christmas Eve boxes even after seeing how happy it made them - what psychopaths! Even if I saw how happy it made a stranger I’d want to do it again for them, I wouldn’t feel furious???

Thanks for being a wonderful stepparent and loving your blended family. I wish I had that when I was a kid 🤍🤍

You are a lovely person 💐

I feel your pain and annoyance in this situation OP and YANBU as I would have done the same. There are 4 of us and from those 4 children 3 are blended families, my mother is like your parents and quite vocal about “well they’re not my family or anything to do with me” the awfulness is deafening. My mantra is just be kind, treat people the way you wish to be treated, it’s such a spiteful way for grandparents/step grandparents to act and isn’t good role modelling. I could not have my children interacting with anyone who treated children in this way. Your parents must be very sad.

Your parents should respect how you wish to raise your blended family. YANBU.

I don’t understand your parents. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all with the Christmas Eve box. It’s really important to make things right and equal and fun for all. In terms of the money, there aren’t a lot of family days out for £100 for four never mind six so I’m sure you’re adding money to this. It’s lovely the children can enjoy a day out together despite the age difference.

we have ds who is 2 and DH has dsd who is 11. Thankfully my family treat her pretty much the same as ds. The small exception is my parents give them both pocket money for their savings each month (the children don’t know) and dsd gets 4/5 of the money of ds. However, her mum does save for her as do we so I don’t feel she is disadvantaged.

In terms of Christmas and birthdays, she gets the same from my parents and my aunts, my brother and my cousins. The same as ds does. My aunt (and my great aunt when she was alive) always gives us money for a family day trip and we get great fun from planning it as a family with dsd.

Its human kindness to treat children well.

I get your point but like others have said if you wanted them to have a Christmas eve box you could have made them one. They said they don't care about your step children. I would of even just taken the label off the boxes and given them as a box from you. You could give your dc the gifts of grandparents when the step children aren't there. I wouldn't take my children to grandparents with that attitude of demanding.

We are talking about children here. I am sure that if you donated 100 £ for starving children in Ethiopia and you found out that 50£ had actually gone to starving children in Nigeria you would be livid wouldn't you?🙄

You are wonderful OP and l only wish that all stepchildren would have such caring stepmother. Have a lovely Xmas.