Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

I like several other posters never expected gifts from my step siblings grandparents/aunts/uncles because they weren't related to me, didn't know me and it would be weird and entitled to expect things from them. I certainly didn't expect equal gifts from them that my step siblings got to the tune of Christmas eve boxes and hundreds of pounds.

I think the fact that they're all siblings, and don't have their own grandparents on the maternal side, does make it a bit of a different scenario to yours though.

Well said, @MissUltraViolet

I'm sorry you were so badly treated. It's just evil. Hope karma caught up to those people.

The OP's parents are being deliberately cruel. It is Christmas...you know...the 'good will towards all humanity' holiday? OP, you did nothing wrong.

This.

They're not just being shitty toward the SC, they are being shitty to OP and her entire family. The GP are deliberately creating a divide and then being "furious" when OP discreetly tries to ameliorate the situation.

What stunted, stingy, narrow-minded people they must be. I'd have a come-to-Jesus session with them.

"Parents, you have repeatedly refused to accept that A and B are equal members of my family. I love them dearly and will no longer tolerate them being treated differently than their siblings, C and D.

Therefore, we won't be accepting gifts or money from you, at all. Keep your cruel distinctions to yourselves. We'll also be celebrating Christmas season as a family; you'll need to make your own plans."

Hi @BalletCat I understand what you're saying but if your last sentence is anything to go by, we're all just normal adults that live eachother, it is quite different to OP's situation which involves children. If OP's DSC are early teens now, they would have been around the current ages of her bio kids - their half-siblings - when OP got together with their dad.

I can see you feel strongly about the grandparent situation, and I'm not having a go at you, but I think it really is pretty mean to give gifts to the bio grandchildren and not even offer a token to their half-siblings then look visibly angry when the step non-bio GC act excited about sharing the Christmas Eve box.

As far as the cash gifts go, I see your point about only spending it on the bio DGC, but if OP can find a family outing to spend the money on which treats the whole family, then why not. I think it would be entirely different if OP's parents handed over the cash with instructions to pay it into their savings accounts but as it's given for Christmas, then spending it on an outing which benefits the entire family in my opinion is perfectly fine.

Didn't you read OP's posts before posting yours? OP already buys the pyjamas, mugs, hot chocolate etc for the DSC to match what the grandparents buy for their bio GC, it's just the £100 total cash gift which is spent on an outing for all four children, bio and non bio alike.

Hi, I meant that the end result is that we are all just normal adults that love eachother as in we didn't end up with self esteem issues or two tier families as the person I was replying to was saying would happen if the grandparents didn't treat the step children equally.

I was 7 when my dad married my step mum, I saw it as gaining some playmates in my step siblings and a nice lady to spend time with when I saw my dad. I was never under the impression I was getting a second mum or another set of grandparents, uncles and aunts that would buy me presents and I don't think many children would think that. I was not in the least but upset that my step siblings grandparents bought them Chrismas presents but didn't buy me presents, we had separate families. By age 7 my concept of who my family were was set in stone, they were the people I was raised by since birth, I had always known them, I didn't think my dad marrying someone made a bunch of people I didn't really know family and I would be surprised if many children thought it did, especially when none of us lived together and I only saw my step siblings relatives a couple of times a year. OPs step children don't live with her and her children so I don't think their situation is too dissimilar to mine tbh. If they lived together it might be different as there would be no one on one time where the grandparents spend time with only their grandchildren and not the step siblings and everyone would be together all the time but it seems they're not close at all. I just don't understand why grandparents would devote equal resources to step grandchildren as they would their own grandchildren that they have helped raise since birth and I don't think it's reasonable to expect that sorry.

I think it depends a lot on a child's previous experience (do they feel secure, have they had trauma, have they had rejection), what family do they have or see (do they have aunts and uncles, other grandparents, do they see them and as regularly as the step grandparents), where is their main home (50-50 custody, every other weekend, rarely see one side, have to visit in a contact centre), and how integrated or not the children feel in the new blended family. It didn't affect you and your family, thats great, but that will not be the same for every step child / grandchild.

I haven't read all the comments but you are 100% right.

If they cant treat all your children equally then they shouldn't be allowed to treat any.
It's vile that they would try. They are pure nasty people and your kids (all of them) deserve better than that.
You can continue with the boxes, and tell the grands to shove off

This is the only way

They have ZERO rights They chose not to play nice and now they can reap the results

But only the two little ones are their grandchildren not the others.

Exactly . I don’t get how people can be so cruel and so blatantly difficult and unkind .
They are children at the end of the day .

I feel sad for the SC but lucky stepmum seems lovely .

This made me blub!! They sound like amazing kids.

Soft ESH

Your parents because of everything you've just said.

You because when your DSC discover the truth it will tear them apart. I understand why you did it, and tbh it was difficult for there to be a right thing to do.

Your parents are being so awful you might need to go LC for a while and discuss with DH having an honest and horrible convo with DSC __

So HRFT, but coukd you say you duplicated what GP bought so the older ones didn't miss out?

You were doing a lovely thing, the GP are not being nice, I fit think telling fibs about it is unreasonable, though obvs lying is wrong ...Idk.

Thank to god you didn’t inherit your mother’s evil ways. I would tell her to fuck right off

Re-read OP's posts.
She supplemented the things in the 'xmas eve box,' with family money. So GPs bought 2x hot chocolate and 2 x pyjamas and OP bought another 2 of everything for SC. Fine, lovely thing to do, and yes for the sake of fairly cheap items it would have been nice for the GP to have just done it for everyone, and petty for them to begrudge OP doing it.

BUT that is completely different to GP giving OP £100 to spend on Christmas presents/an outing for their DGC and OP only spending £50 of it on them and the rest on the SC and not telling them about it, which is what OP has been doing.

For the last - what 6 years or so, that's £300 OP has pocketed and spent it on something else. Yes, the "something else" is a lovely thing to do for the DSC, and at 6/4 her DC won't know the difference between a £25 day out each and a £50 one, but in 5 years they will if they ask for a £50 present and only get a £25 one!

It's exactly the same as the GP giving OP £100 to spend on the kids for Christmas, and OP only bought them presents worth £50 and spent the rest on a present for herself, or Christmas dinner, or a few bottles of wine while telling the GP she'd spent it all on the kids.

While it would be lovely if the GP did spend the same on all DC, they aren't obligated to. They don't feel like the DC are part of "their" family, and nobody can make them feel something they don't. If OP feels that strongly about it she should refuse to take any money at all, but you absolutely can't take money off someone for one thing, lie that you spent it on what they gave it for, but actually spend it on something completely different. That's completely immoral, even if you think you're doing it for the 'right' reasons.

If you donated £100 to cancer research but found out £50 had been given to the donkey sanctuary, or Mermaids, or Salvation Army, or whatever instead, would you be happy with that?

It would be different if OP had done the same as with the stuff in the CE box - spent £50 each on her DC and then paid out of family money for the other DC to accompany them, but she's admitted that's not what she did - she split the £100 between the 4 DC (in fact if anything often older children cost more for things like the examples she's given, e.g. light displays). The grandparents probably wouldn't care if the SC experienced the same thing as their DC, they just don't want to be the ones paying for it, which, even if unpleasant, is a choice they are entitled to make.

I don't blame them for being pissed off that they have effectively been stolen from and lied to.

Also, while the DC love their siblings and might prefer the money is spent on them accompanying them now, it will likely be a different scenario when they are 21 and they receive £100k from their grandparents in their will - as much as they love their half siblings they probably won't be offering to split that with them, so at some point down the road OP is going to have to address this and not keep pretending that her parents love the SC the same.

I understand why they don’t feel obliged to spend money on them (not saying it’s right, but they aren’t their relatives), but I don’t understand why they got angry at you adding things to the box for your step children. They can’t demand to have the children on Christmas Eve either.

it’s sad they don’t include all of the children, but that’s their choice. Do the step children have their own grandparents they can see while your children are with your parents?

blood of the covenant! no witches involved!

They do not have rights, unless they are talking about a wage for childcare those are the only rights. Tell them to p*ss off. If they drop off the boxes - Take them away and throw them in the bin. If they kick off and you end up there on Boxing day - Tell them you do not want your children eating all of this junk food and if they go against your dietary instructions, they will be prevented from seeing them on the grounds of food abuse, manipulation, coercive control, and harassment of yourself. Stick that in their pipe and watch them smoke it.

Draw your boundaries, OP. It feels amazing!

Growing up I had a cousin that was the step-child of my uncle. My grandparents treated us completely equally, to the point that I saw no difference in her to all of my other cousins. She came into my life when she was 5 and I was 9, and from that moment she was my cousin. She had the same gifts as all other cousins. In my opinion, your parents are being mean.

Does your husband's parents buy Christmas presents for all the children or just his children.

If you donated £100 to cancer research but found out £50 had been given to the donkey sanctuary, or Mermaids, or Salvation Army, or whatever instead, would you be happy with that?

Possibly you're correct on a technically but what a sad, petty way to view children at Christmas.

@Gottoshare

You sound like a wonderful step mum. I hope having you in their lives goes some way to making up for whatever crap the DSC went through before they knew you.