Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

What an odd way to think. Did your parents just take your stuff and tell you you had no rights so it was theirs to do as they wish with when you were little?

I did the same. I split the Xmas gift four ways not two. That was what felt right to me. My parents acknowledged my SCs my sibling pretended did not exist. I understand it's hurtful..U just do U. And it sounds like they are nice kids so keep it going.

Or give £25 apiece to four kids. No one is asking them to spend more, just divide it equally.

I wouldn't take a penny from them, nor a wrapped gift, until they see the error of their ways.

As pp said, things like this can affect the children's relationships for a lifetime, if any unfairness, inequality, etc., become evident with time passing. Feeling as there is a first-tier and second-tier family, feeling that "full blood" relationships are more important than "half blood," etc. can be very perilous as they develop into young adults. I don't care if it is the OP's parents and she naturally would like to maintain some semblence of relationship; I would not risk or tolerate that.

GPs need to realize their actions can have lifelong adverse effects, and they can shape up or ship out.

No I don’t want extra money it’s not needed . It would have been nice if they’d considered SC with the Xmas eve box as I did feel that was unkind when they know they are here Xmas eve but I tried to deal with that myself. I’m just upset at the reaction when SC were clearly recalling lovely memories from the boxes over the years and that was met with disdain

Or she'd be happy to just give £25 per child. See, I can do maths too. That's equal.

Honestly OP I think I'd have done the same stuff with activities, mugs, PJs etc. but maybe taken the money out of the equation as a "Christmas Eve" gift and just paid the extra £100 to do the bigger day out. Then said GP paid for all 4 as a Christmas gift.

I have a little boy and if anything happened to me my heart breaks to think of DH remarrying and mine sitting there without a box on Christmas Eve. You are lovely.

I don't think we'd have been informed in the first place, if we were pre-school or school age children. Our parents would have done as they saw fit and they certainly wouldn't have tolerated inequality among siblings.

Imagine if GP annually gave one of OP's biokids £100 and the other £10. Because they were fonder of Child 1. Would that be OK?

Claptrap about being related via DNA v being related by OP's marriage to the SC's father doesn't fly with me. It's all four or zero.

They are children , it’s Christmas related - I’m not going to ever put the adult wants of my parents above the needs of children. Especially at a magical time of year for them.

I find this quite dramatic. I have half siblings. Some of our relatives are shared and they treat us the same. Some of their relatives are not my relatives and some of my relatives are not their relatives. I would never expect their relatives, people who are not related to me to give me gifts or money and I wouldn't expect my relatives to give them gifts or money and get shitty with them if they didn't. We don't have a fraught relationship or any self esteem issues because of it, we're all just normal adults that live eachother.

Everyone has different circumstances I’m just trying to do my best.

I completely agree. My GPs were perfectly nice to my stepsisters when they saw them but never bought them gifts and my stepsisters GPs never bought me and my brother gifts. I never expected otherwise.

You think you've seen the worst of human nature, then you read this thread.

Dear me there are some heartless people about. I'm really shocked by some of these posts, just horrible.

Thank goodness the children have you OP.

I think that could be fine too in many circumstances, savings accounts, inheritance, even birthday presents perhaps, but an obvious yet inexpensive thing like a Christmas eve box would you really expect some siblings to be included and others not, when they're all together?

You are doing great IMO. Ignore the person who is trying to monopoloise this discussion.

So you'd be sitting with your stepsister on Christmas eve and they would be opening a Christmas eve box from their grandparents while you had nothing? I mean your situation is different anyway as you had grandparents that gave you things and these children don't so.its not directly comparable

They do have GPS - their Dad's parents.

Imagine being annoyed that some children had got some extra joy at Christmas! What kind of person does that?! You did the right thing OP and it's obviously resulted in such a lovely bond between the two sets of kids - your parents could learn from that, but instead they've chosen to be nasty. Well, let them stew in their nastiness while you all have a lovely Christmas. If they care so much about their grandchildren they can stomach the indignity of having to (gasp) be nice to some other children who are also part of their family...

Imagine if GP annually gave one of OP's biokids £100 and the other £10. Because they were fonder of Child 1. Would that be OK?

Obviously not. But they aren't doing that, they have never treated their bio children unequally, they clearly just don't see the step children as their grandchildren.

Bio relatives and relatives by marriage are equal in your eyes but not in everyone's. I certainly don't see my in-laws as equal to my parents or my step mum as equal to my actual mum and nd I don't think many people would.

I get you entirely OP, you are clearly a loving, caring SM who doesn't want her SC to feel less loved. Regrettably, from your parents' POW, they are not their GC and feel aggrieved that you chose to share the contents of the Xmas box.
I don't believe that they will change.
Time away from your children will give your parents time to think and reflect on their insensitive actions.
Enjoy your family Xmas, lucky children and sc

They do have GPS - their Dad's parents.

Those are the same GPs their younger siblings have though. So they'd be getting less on that basis.

"Sorry gp's, x&y are doing family things with their sisters on Xmas eve so no time to drop them with you. Don't worry about the box, I've got it covered from now on as we like it being a family event".

I have 3 dc from a previous relationship and 1 dc with my now partner. We've been together 13 years and my MIL has never made my dc feel less valued or cared about. She stays with us every Xmas and has always given my dc money at Xmas (now pretty much adults). She's said on many an occasion they're her family too so no OP YANBU.
DP has a brother who has never acknowledged my dc from a previous relationships birthday or Christmas. Yes that's his choice, I've never made an issue of it but it doesn't go unnoticed. I mean he'll send a card for dd who I have with dp but my kids from my previous relationship have never received even as much as a card from him

@gottoshare Next time they say it, let them know that the saying actually refers to the blood of the coven and the water of the womb, so they've been quoting the exact opposite of what they mean!

You sound like a lovely stepmum.

You sound so so lovely. I can only assume the majority of people that don't see the problem have experienced us and them attitudes in their life.

I am lucky enough to have been brought up in a divorced family with positive relationships between all parties and wouldn't have it any other way. Also understand that adoption means that someone is your ACTUAL child. Some of the bullshit I read on here is absolutely mind boggling.

Make your own box and tell your parents to sod off. Pair of prize knob heads.

You sound so wonderful OP, thank goodness your DC and SC all have you in their corner. Your parents (and a load of hard-hearted meanies on this thread) are not as nice as you. Please carry on being lovely and raising four children who know they are loved.

This breaks my heart. I have five sgc and two of my own gc. Every single one of them is loved and they are all treated exactly the same. I’ve never ever ever made anyone feel left out or unloved.
I couldn’t live with myself if I was mean to any of them.
OP you are so lovely, keep doing what you are doing. Your parents are mean spirited and must have hearts of stone. Your sc clearly love spending time with you and their half siblings. Keep making it as special as you can.
Have a fantastic Christmas with all your children and DH.