Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

I think you were very well intentioned but perhaps a little short sighted.
You deliberately misled your SC into feeling like your parents thought of them as grandchildren, it is going to be far more hurtful for them to discover that the grandparents and special Xmas boxes they thought they had were actually never meant for them and a lie by you. You were naive to think that this would never come out. You lied to your parents by misleading them and misusing their funds. You should have pulled them up on their inequitable treatment years ago and either explicitly stated equal gifts or no gifts at all.
I can see what you were trying to achieve, but you were very clumsy in your execution.

So outside of Christmas, how often do your parents meet and interact with your step DC? And separately your DC? Because if they dont know them very well them perhaps that is part of the issue.

This.

"Thanks for the invitation but we're having a family Christmas with just us and the kids. We'll give you a ring come January."

"No, I'm sorry, the siblings don't like to be separated from one another. You've made clear your feelings that x and y are second class, and that doesn't work for me and my family. Best wishes for a happy new year."

You weren't out of order, op.

There are ways to navigate gift gifting to grandchildren & step grandchildren in a blended family & it sounds like your parents weren't even prepared to consider any of them.

Not to mention the fact that you clearly treat them as your own children, so they should respect the family you have created & do the same. If they want to give money which only goes to their bio grandchildren there are discreet (note: discreet, not hidden) ways of doing this so no one feels excluded on the day.

Bio relatives and relatives by marriage are equal in your eyes but not in everyone's. I certainly don't see my in-laws as equal to my parents or my step mum as equal to my actual mum and nd I don't think many people would.

And the GPs can cling to that choice if they wish, but not without consequences. Their loss.

Nurturing the lifelong relationship among these four kids is far more important than tolerating the bigoted viewpoint of cruel old people.

I think it's great that you added things to make sure all 4 children got the same. I think you should have added extra sweets and chocolates and paid more towards the Christmas trip out if you knew your parents didn't want to include your stepchildren. It's mean of your parents but if you're accepting their gift you should respect how they want to give it. Your other choice is to refuse the gift altogether. I wouldn't worry about your parents being offended and see why you wanted all the children to feel included by the grandparents. The teenagers are likely to understand soon how your parents feel so you might want to start planning how to cope with that.

Very short sighted.

My grandparents have been of far greater influence and benefit to my life than my siblings and I don't think that's unusual. I love my siblings but they didn't teach me a lot of what I know, help me build my life, show me how to be a successful adult, my grandparents did.

To deprive her children of their grandparents because they don't agree on the status of step children would be detrimental to her children and deprive them of valuable knowledge, and both emotional and financial support throughout their lives. It may even cause resentment between her and her children when they find out that that is the case when they are older. It would also hurt her children who I'm sure love their grandparents.

Whether she agrees with them or not to cut the grandparents off is a massive overreaction.

The monetary gifts are tricky as it wasn’t really your money to share out- but if it was solely intended for a family outing (and not to go into their savings, for example), it makes sense.

I can completely see why you turned the box into a gift for four, what else could you do without hurting their feelings?

The requested Christmas Eve visits won’t happen and that’s the end of it. Your parents can put some money into savings for them if they wish, that’s up to them.

You had no right to take a gift meant for someone and give it to someone else. Not your gift to mess around with.

You could have organised and paid for the SC gift yourself if you feel so strongly they had to have the same.

I totally understand your parents being furious about this.

You're completely out of order.

If a child's money belongs to their parents, why do they get tax breks on their savings interest that adults dont get??

If I were in the OP's shoes, I would certainly consider stepping back a bit from the grandparents from now on. Not cutting off contact, but being somewhat wary about too much involvement. They have made it known exactly what their priorities and values are. Since those priorities and values are so far from my own, I wouldn't want my children to be influenced by them, especially when the children are young and impressionable.

Whenever anyone says you are in the wrong you are combatting it with "they are wrong". You both are. Its not up to you to control someone elses gift and manipulate it. Its unfair on your parents as they were lied to and unfair on the children to make them feel there is a relationship with people that don't like them. You should have refused the gift all together or informed them of what you would do. Lying is wrong. You could have even made a matching hamper of your own and labelled it from you. So the stepchildren did not miss out but also nobodies gifts were given away (or "shared" as you say).

Your parents are also wrong. To leave 2 children out is horrible. I was a stepchild and ignored at Christmas by my half siblings grandparents. It was never hidden from me and it hurt. But I knew who those people were from day one and what they thought of me. I would personally never treat a child like that and, if someone tried to treat my child/stepchild like that I would refused all gifts.

You sound lovely and your stepsons very lovely.

How about this year you let your 2 wee boys chose some items for the Christmas Eve Box for their big brothers & let your stepsons choose some things for their little brothers .

Your parents can have Christmas Eve together , bah humbug

Grandparents don't have any rights. They are arseholes. You did the right thing.

Your mum sounds like a joy stealing Christmas witch and I'm not even sorry.
I would very much like to use another word.

How can you possibly think it's right for 2 children to sit there and be part of something while 2 children sit and watch. It's nothing to do with monetary value.

Sorry, doesn't matter if you're a blood relative - just be a decent human being fgs.

Well done OP what a great mam and step mam you are Xx

I'd cut them off and fast. Nasty behaviour

I disagree - I would much rather children were influenced by people that are empathetic, thoughtful, compassionate, open minded, understanding, assertive and smart. Not by those that chose to actively exclude others (especially children) who have been through difficult time through no fault of their own.

Just because your grandparents were more influential doesn’t mean that is the case for everyone.

Surely when the GPs hand over money for a family event they lose control on how it's spent?
And the OP is spending it on a family event, she knows her children best and is including the SC because she knows the DCs would prefer that.

The GPs are controlling.

What horrible people your parents are. Your sc sound lovely. I'd still do the box but don't use your nasty parents money and don't what ever you do take two of your children to them on Christmas Eve. Grandparents have no rights and in this case having the four children celebrate Christmas Eve is more important. Thank you for making no difference between SC and own children in Christmas Eve.

I'm honestly flabbergasted at some of the replies on here. I cannot fathom how anyone can justify hurting and leaving out a child at Christmas (or any other time actually). It is beyond cruel. I could even understand more if they wanted to put some money aside for the grandchildren for when they are older, like in an account or something. But if the money is intended to he spent on a day out/Xmas treat then why on earth wouldn't you include ALL the children? What are the grandparents proposing, that @Gottoshare and her DH just go out on a lovely festive day out and say "oh sorry SC you'll have to stay home because grandparents don't think you're worth a nice day out?! It's fucking mental. And as for the Xmas eve box, we aren't talking hundreds of pounds. To shove a few extra sweets and a hot choc mug in or whatever isn't exactly remortgaging to include the SC. People spend that on Halloween sweets to hand out to a bunch of random kids they don't even know!!

I'm so sorry all those grandparents on here who can't see that she was adding joy not taking something away, you are so very wrong. I come from a blended family and have a blended family due to the death of my older children's bio dad. My husband IS their dad now, he's been in their lives longer than bio dad and adopted them. Their grandmother my wonderful mil would never treat them any different. It costs her no extra money as she has dropped what she spends on each to make it equal, it is never about the amount of money it I'd about the feelings and memories. Those older children were looking forward to the box not the money and it's incredibly sad that some of you that profess to be loving grandparents would see the younger babies hurt by mistreating their siblings rather than extend a hand. Sad times

OP, I wish you'd been my DM back when I was a child. We had a not dissimilar situation in my own family and my own DM was weak and allowed her own DM to ride roughshod, even when me and my sibling were missing out. We were the blood children, the other 2 favoured kids weren't (long, sad story). If children can't be treated equally, don't treat them at all, is my lived experience. It breeds such resentment in the end that families don't really recover from the schism.

Your parents are absolute jerks for being so small minded. I just cannot fathom how adults can be so petty and childish to children. I applaud you OP. Stick to your guns. You've made my day 😊

Give over with the hyperbole. Expecting them to bring a small gift for the 2 step-children on Christmas Eve so they don't feel deliberately left out and excluded doesn't mean that OP's parents are obligated to adopt these children as their own grandchildren. It's just basic kindness and decency.

From OP's description of her parents taking chocolates off the Christmas tree when she had friends round, they have always been mean, tight-fisted arseholes and would be terrible role models for their 'real' grandchildren.

OP uses the money for family outings to which OP's step-children are invited. The money isn't put directly into her step-children's hands. They are sharing a family treat that OP's parents' money has contributed to.

I am surprised that you can't see the sheer spite in the grandparents' response to the revelation that the step-children have benefited from their 'generosity'.