Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

Your parents are truly horrendous human beings. I think you've done absolutely the right thing by including your DSC (who sound lovely). And I'd tell your parents there is no way in hell that you're dropping the little ones at their house on Xmas Eve. No way.

I've never, ever understood the idea that biological relatives should receive preferential treatment. It seems a common notion on MN, sadly.

OP your parents are very controlling. Have they always been like this? I bet they haven’t moved on to an adult to adult relationship with you. They should be following your lead not ignoring your feelings esp as you’ve discussed it in depth in the past. There’s no way I would hand over a Christmas Eve box with 2 sets of pyjamas for 4 children, that’s far more than thoughtless it’s downright cruel and heartless. You did what was best to avoid upsetting children and to avoid them feeling “less than”. I would have done the same without hesitation and would have been both disappointed and furious by my parents behaviour. Does the difference in present giving extend to actual Christmas presents as well? Either way I would tell them no more Christmas boxes, unless they provide for 4. They already know your feelings and dismissed them. It’s your children and your rules. If they don’t want to provide for 4 you will take over the Christmas box tradition with the children. What’s your husbands take on this, he must be very upset.

I'm astounded that some posters are encouraging OP to cut her children off from their GPs over this.

You absolutely cannot misdirect money given specifically to your children to someone else- that is theft! i am not surprised your parents are furious with you secretly syphoning off money they believed was going to their GC If you werent happy, then you should have declined the gift

I'm absolutely astounded too. Only on Mumsnet do people think a grandparents Christmas bill should go from £200 and a Christmas eve box, to £400 and a box twice the size because they decided to marry someone who already had children. The grandparents didn't decide that and she cannot dictate to them that they must give the same to the step children. To hold them to ransom of not seeing their actual grandchildren if they don't cough up twice the amount is astonishing.

Then the correct course of action is to take all the children on the higher value day out that the grandparents money allows for their grandchildren and you and your husband pay for the step children so they can join in, not split the day out money given specifically to your children between the four of them and go on a lower value day out together. The latter option is dishonest in my eyes and is clearly what has upset your parents as they feel the same.

Don't they have grandparents on their mother's side?
I don't see why your parents would give your husband's children presents actually. Unless he is their only parent and they live with you all the time. But even then, they aren't related so I don't know that I'd expect them to treat them equally. Hm.

i didn’t ever demand more I let them know that we had SC here each year . I then just added to the box myself so SC feelings weren’t hurt by being left out of something. With the £100 (50 meant for each of my dc) I don’t think i did anything wrong but just finding an outing where it covered all 4 dc coming ? It added to the enjoyment for my dc anyway to have them there

BTW your story about the older children sitting with their little brother last Xmas Eve brought a tear to my eye. What a shame that your parents can't recognise what remarkable children your DSC are. They (your parents) are the ones who are missing out. If they could open their hearts, they'd understand that they have the opportunity to add to their own lives by accepting these children. As my late mother used to say, love can't be divided, it only multiplies.

Do the sc bio grandparents or relatives do things for your dc?

I personally do not think bio gp should shell out extra for sc that are not their own. It’s actually unfair the other way round to cut what your own dc get to allow for sc

Why? The GP are nasty, reprehensible, cruel people. Who would want that influence in their children's lives??

The fact that the grandparents are "blood" instead of just some Scroogelike people down the road is irrelevant. I'd give them a piece of my mind and tell them we'd possibly see them in January, and to reflect on kindness in the meantime. That my kids would be too busy having fun with their SIBLINGS to be bothered with the bigoted grandparents.

Not having their own grandparents does not mean that OPs parents are obligated to adopt these children as their own grandchildren

And the OP isn't obligated to facilitate any sort of relationship between her children and these dreadful people. They may want to ponder that.

Also these are the actual siblings of their supposedly beloved grandchildren, not even just step-siblings.

Second this 👏🏽 couldn't agree more ♥️♥️

You took their grandchildren on a £25 day out so that you could take the step children too when they wanted their grandchildren to go on a £50 day out. That's where you went wrong.

I don't think they care that the stepchildren went too, I think they care that the money they gave for the grandchildren was shared without asking them, if they wanted all four children to go on a £25 day out, that's what they would have given.

If you told them you took the children on a £59 day out as per their gift and you and your husband paid for the stepchildren to join you because it would be more fun I honestly don't think they would be upset.

I'm absolutely astounded too. Only on Mumsnet do people think a grandparents Christmas bill should go from £200 and a Christmas eve box, to £400 and a box twice the size because they decided to marry someone who already had children. The grandparents didn't decide that and she cannot dictate to them that they must give the same to the step children. To hold them to ransom of not seeing their actual grandchildren if they don't cough up twice the amount is astonishing.

The OP isn't demanding anything, she covered their stingy arses and paid up herself.
If you think she's demanding more stuff you're missing the point, or perhaps of a similar ilk to her parents. What she wants is more kindness and inclusion.

Oh FFS. It's not theft. Minor children do not have property rights. The parent can do as she pleases with money given to the household. That the GP's think it is earmarked for the kids is their problem. If they don't like the OP's decisionmaking, they can stop giving the money.

I think you're right to include the SC with everything but it probably would have been fairer to tell your parents not to do the Xmas eve box any more and do it yourself for the 4 children.

Money wise just spend as you see fit for young kids - surely no one is totting up every last penny to make sure it's spent on the maximum benefit for that child anyway. This will get more awkward as they get older and your kids know how much money they have been given though.

Ultimately you need to put your foot down with your parents. They will be dead and gone and irrelevant in a few years while your kids step siblings will be with them for a lifetime. Whose interest is it supposed to be in to try and weaken the relationship? What sort of memories of them will the kids have once it becomes tainted by knowing what they were trying to do with their apparent generosity? They need to take a good hard look at themselves. Little kids will be happy with any grandparent who takes an interest but is this grandparent relationship actually going to be beneficial? No it will not. Better to take a step back for everyone's sake.

This! Well said!

Well. Or OP could pay for the step kids to go on the £25 day out and use the extra £25 for her own kids to pay for their clothes or something. It's semantics really as parents are paying for everything else for their kids and a lot of that will be non essential.
If they want to control what the money is spent on they should not give money.
But a gift given solely to please the giver and not the recipient is not really a gift anyway

Oh FFS the money wasn't given to the household it was given to their grandchildren.

I came on here to say you were being unreasonable and that your parents shouldn’t have to treat your step children the same as their grandchildren.

However in this instance I actually think you are mostly right. I think it’s cruel to give a Christmas Eve box for 2 when they know there are 4 kids there. You are lovely to change it to 4 and make it for all of them.

The money side doesn’t sit quite so well with me though as that is specifically for your children. I think I would have still stuck to the lower priced activity and included everyone but would have paid for the SC myself and either put the rest of the kids money in savings or paid for one of their other activities out of it.

ongoing I would be telling my parents not to bother with the Christmas Eve box anymore and just do it myself. I wouldn’t, under any circumstances, drop my kids off to them on Christmas Eve. My compromise would be that they could have the kids for a few hours on Boxing Day and do what they wanted with them then

The children have no rights. Their parents are free to do anything they wish with the money. If the GP don't like it, too bad.

No one has asked the GP to pay extra.

Families with more siblings always have to divide things more ways. It's not unfair. Otherwise would be heinously unfair for anyone to have more than one child.

Surely the benefit to the kids of an extra 2 siblings outweighs the benefit of a slightly more expensive Christmas day out.

They don’t have GP on their mothers side they just have DHs parents.

You expect them to treat the step children the same and give them equally as much as they give their own grandchildren. That means you want them to give £100 for the step children too right?