Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

I didn’t take anything - I shared the sweets and treats between 4 not 2 and I added things eg there were 2 hot chocolate/xmas mug sets so i got another 2, 2 pairs of xmas pjs in younger dc sizes so I got ones in SC sizes too, some activity things so I got a couple of suitable ones for SC . As far as the money gift is concerned yes I did split that between 4 not 2 as well we usually put it towards an outing (eg a Christmas light trail or something) that all the dc come to and treats whilst there . I’m not having 2 children left out it’s not acceptable to me to do that. My parents know the situation and they actively choose each year to drop off a box with only enough stuff in for 2 of the 4 dc that will be here. It’s not ok. I know some people might think perhaps I should have been upfront and honest with SC but I couldn’t do that to them they need to feel accepted I wanted to protect them from yet more rejection in their life as they’ve had a tough time and they need stability and to feel valued.

@BalletCat - I get what you are saying, but unless money is very tight (which OP hasn't said it is) and them knowing the kids' sad back ground why would they leave them out? OP says they don't get them even sweets? Maybe they need to handle the money thing discreetly, but for goodness sake .. the Christmas box is bloody heartless - I stand by that!

It doesn't matter that the children are their grandchildrens siblings, they are not their grandchildren. Not having their own grandparents does not mean that OPs parents are obligated to adopt these children as their own grandchildren. They can if they want to, but they clearly don't want to.

I had step siblings growing up and it was always clear that my grandparents weren't their grandparents and vide versa. No one was harmed, we all still love eachother. I really don't see the issue. The OP chose to take on two children, her parents didn't choose to take on two grandchildren and she can't make them. To withhold their actual grandchildren because they don't want to take on the stepchildren as their own is ridiculous.

So you did take something. You took the money they gave to their grandchildren and gave half of it to your stepchildren without their permission.

It goes towards a family outing so all 4 get equal enjoyment it’s not taking anything from my dc it’s just allowing SC to join in too. It takes nothing away from the intended recipients

My dc get enough toys at Xmas if I spent that money on just the 2 of them it would just be more toys/clothes etc but we choose to pick an outing that it will cover for all 4 . I don’t think that’s misappropriating the money.

I think you're an amazing mother and step mother.

Just wondering , if you had adopted, how would your parents have responded to the adopted dc?

I'm thinking that you've taken on the step children like your own, just as in adoption, and your parents should accept that.

Really? We have none of the background to this "blended family". Of course it is lovely that the OP and her DH blend their family, apparently so successfully, but no-one else needs to. Perhaps the Op's parents dont like being told what to do.

I am from a family where there are numerous children from multiple different types of being. I love it - we are a family who accept all. Only I've noticed that not all of the wider family do. Only those who are of a certain type. So I am currently rethinking my family's acceptance. (And no not ethnicity, sex, race, religion, the normal non-accepted criteria)

But I wouldn't dream of calling anyone in my wider family a cunt for not accepting my child or others. I have my family; they have theirs.

But they didn't give the money for all 4, they gave the money for their grandchildren. They clearly think it's misappropriating the money or they wouldn't be angry.

If their grandchildren don't need anything from that money then it should be put into their savings accounts or something similar to benefit them in the future or tell your parents they don't need it. It's not for you to decide they don't need the money they gave so it can be shared by all instead.

To me it is quite obvious why they are upset.

This is more about the GP respecting the choices of the OP.
She has made it clear they are a family unit.
The GP should follow her lead and behave accordingly.
OP - never change. You are 100% in the right and a wonderful human being.

Not having their own grandparents does not mean that OPs parents are obligated to adopt these children as their own grandchildren

It doesn’t. But nobody’s talking about savings accounts/large monetary gifts here. We are literally talking about a few bags of sweets! How mean spirited do you have to be to begrudge that….?

I just don’t see how it’s acceptable to drop gifts round for 2 dc when you know there will be 4 there. They’ve been doing these Xmas eve boxes for 5 years now (my eldest Ds is 6) and they know the situation. It just seems so unkind . They aren’t short of money so it’s not for any financial reason it’s just to make the point that they value blood relations and I don’t think that’s fair when children are involved who just don’t need to feel rejected in any way. I did what I did to protect them.

We are talking about monetary gifts. The grandparents literally give their grandchildren money and the OP then splits it and shares it with the stepchildren without asking or telling them.

And custard is thicker than blood… buy your parents an apple crumble for Christmas to eat alone and reflect on their awful behaviour (that I know from your comments they won’t ).

What’s beautiful in all of this is how kind and considerate you sdc are and showing your parents how they should behave but they are too closed hearted to take this on board.

Just because they are not short of money doesn't mean they owe their money to your stepchildren, whom they obviously do not see as their grandchildren.

You blended two families and are happy with that. Your parents didn't choose that.

Do you expect your step children to inherit from your parents? If your parents took their grandchildren on holiday would you demand they took the step children too even though they are not related to them in any way and clearly don't feel a bond with them?

They give £100 each year to get the dc something / go out somewhere . It’s not for their savings it’s for Christmas and I don’t see why it matters that we choose something where SC are included on a day they are with us

I’ve not demanded extra for SC I’ve just used what they’ve given carefully to include SC.
I haven’t given SC anything from the Xmas eve boxes other than a quarter of the sweets / chocolate etc as I share it between 4 not 2 and for the other bits I’ve paid for those myself so that they have pjs and mugs and activities too - I’ve not stolen anything intended for anyone else !

The children are minors. The OP can do anything she pleases with money contributed to them. Including treating their siblings to an outing.

This notion that somehow the children have an autonomous relationship with their grandparents that OP cannot intervene in, is absurb.

If I were OP I would underscore that by going NC until the grandparents learn their lesson. They have zero standing to dictate or demand anything. Let them sit alone on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and ponder it.

I know you haven't demanded extra for the step children, but you said they aren't short of money so the only reason they a rent giving the same to the step children is to make a point they are not blood related. That makes it sound like you think they have enough money to give to all the kids so they should but they don't owe their money to step children just because they have it, or because you see them as equal to you as your own children.

Even if you use the money for a day out for all the children, a better day out could be had if you only spent it on their grandchildren which is clearly their intention. Somewhere that is £100 a ticket is going to be more fun than something that is £50 a ticket. It's like them wanting you to take them to Legoland but you took them to cinema instead so you could also take the stepchildren, who they did not give the money for.

You clearly don't want to see their point of view and aren't listening to the few people who see their point of view you just want to rant and have people agree with you about how awful they are.

Christmas is about showing love and kindness to all… op has done this to the children in her family.

I’m laughing at grandmas cats ass face at the fact that she has not managed to be bloody Scrooge to 2 children … when op has actually paid for them to join in.

I think from what op has said the children of the family are siblings, enjoy each other’s company and like the Christmas Eve experiences they have together …imo how can there be a better day out than that

honestly I’d give her a dvd of Scrooge as a Christmas present and tell her that her ‘gift’ is no longer welcome

Their POV is reprehensible and cruel.

What decent person passes up a chance to be kind and inclusive? As a pp said, do they not care that they may be generating awkwardness between the siblings, who all ARE related by blood? Do they want to create issues and slights that will fester long after they are dead?

I mean, FFS, a few extra pounds to make a couple of kids (who the OP said have been through some trauma, and who don't have other GP) feel cared for and special? Once a fucking year? I am not exactly a saint and even I would not begrudge anyone that. In fact I would absolutely relish contributing to a nice Christmas for those stepkids as well as for my bio-grandkids.

People obsessed with "blood" relationships have defective moral compasses.

I see your point that yes a ‘higher value’ day out would be possible but in all honestly my 2 Ds have a much better time when SC are around they find them hilarious and fun and especially my 6 y o who thinks having ‘real teenagers!’ to play with is the best thing ever. We’ve been out on days when SC are at their mums and it’s not been as much fun for them. They’ve literally known them since they were born and we have them staying here so much they have a really strong bond.

I do appreciate your point of view I just don’t agree with it. I’m never going to side with my parents over this because I could never do anything to hurt a child’s feelings. Nothing is taken away from my dc it’s lot like my parents are annoyed as I’ve given away totally what they’ve given to dc it’s just been shared it hasn’t reduced anything for anyone

OP, are you going to take any sort of stand like rejecting GP's gifts if they are unequal, or just having a family Christmas without GP?

I definitely won’t be dropping my dc to them on Xmas eve as theyve demanded that’s one thing I’m sure about

Of course the grandparents have an autonomous and separate relationship with their grandchildren separate from the OP! The OP can stop them seeing their grandchildren if she wants but that would be spiteful to her parents and detrimental to her children.

To insist that the OP can do what she likes with gifts given to her children is ridiculous. Give it to the children or give it back if you have a problem with them having it, there is no third option that is morally correct.