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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

1000 replies

Gottoshare · 09/11/2024 12:15

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

OP posts:
socks1107 · 09/11/2024 17:51

You sound lovely.
My mum always treated my sd the same, my mil never treats mine the same.
I always make the difference up because I can.
Your parents do not have to accept the step children but they do have to try and be kind and they sound anything but. I would stand your ground with it and no they don't have any grandparents rights

Maray1967 · 09/11/2024 18:10

bittertwisted · 09/11/2024 15:35

You sound absolutely lovely, and all 4 children are incredibly lucky to have you.
My stepson has his own grandparents, my mum still gets him an advent calendar/ Easter eggs/ presents
If she didn't I wouldn't feel the need to rectify as my DH and I have no kids together, and he's only been my SS for 4 years

However my Mum would never be so cruel as to leave him out, despite the fact her own grandchildren are not related to him

These children are their grandchildren's half siblings!!
I could never forgive them

My DH’s SIL’s mum - are you following?!! - got both her DGC a hooded towel with a character on before we went on a holiday with DBIL and SIL - our families together. And she got my DS one as well - really lovely of her. SIL said her DM would not dream of leaving mine out while she was getting her own DGC one.

RacingDriver · 09/11/2024 18:14

Maria1979 · 09/11/2024 12:21

How did your parents get a daughter as lovely as you? You are doing the right thing by these kids and your parents lack of empathy for them is appalling. I think you are absolutely right in standing up against your parents on this one. Just cancel christmas with them if they can't treat the children the same. The christmas spirit is totally lost on them. I'm so happy for your dsc to have such a lovely, kind and caring sm as yourself❤️

I completely agree with this. I would do exactly as you have and this is a hill I’d be prepared to die on.

I can’t understand their position and would t respect anyone who behaved like this.

Wonderi · 09/11/2024 18:16

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/11/2024 16:31

I don't agree. The OP has the right to control what her minor children do/do not receive.

Grandparents have no right to determine what the children get. They can offer something but they can't mandate how (or if) it's distributed to the kids.

Show quote history

She can choose to give or not give her kids gifts but I think it’s a bit mean of her giving her BC less, especially when they were gifts chosen especially for them.

If she’s worried about the SC being left out, then why not just get them similar to what she knows the GP have got for the BC.

My sister has moved into her DPs home and he may be having his kids over the Xmas period.
I wasn’t planning on getting his kids anything or maybe just a token gift, but I wouldn’t spend as much as I would on my nieces and nephews.
If she doesn’t want the SC left out, then she can choose to give her kids my gifts when they’re at their mums instead.

BalletCat · 09/11/2024 18:25

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/11/2024 16:31

I don't agree. The OP has the right to control what her minor children do/do not receive.

Grandparents have no right to determine what the children get. They can offer something but they can't mandate how (or if) it's distributed to the kids.

Show quote history

What!? The grandparents have given money to their grandchildren, the OP has two choices, give it to them or give it back and tell them it's because they haven't given money to the step children. She has no right to take a gift from them for their grandchildren and then give it to whoever she sees fit.

kalokagathos · 09/11/2024 18:26

CrazyCatLady008 · 09/11/2024 12:20

I would just tell them to stop doing the box and you'll do it yourself for all the kids. And that no, they won't be dropped to theirs.

This 💯. These guys are mean. My parents are also grandparents to two biological kids (1 on my side, 1 on my sister's) and two step grandkids(1 mine, 1 my sister's). They treat them 💯 the same. Some people get fixated on blood. Pathetic and cold imo! You're doing the right thing. You have empathy whilst they are being territorial. Argh! So annoying and demoralising

sushiandarollie · 09/11/2024 18:31

Oh and to add, my husband half siblings on his dads side were always favoured and the scars/issues has continued into adulthood. My husband turned out to be the kindest gentlest man, the half siblings are a-holes. When we started dating, my husbands father said one Xmas that we weren’t invited as they were just having Xmas with ‘immediate family’. It’s his son. My jaw nearly hit the floor.

BalletCat · 09/11/2024 18:32

Wonderi · 09/11/2024 18:16

She can choose to give or not give her kids gifts but I think it’s a bit mean of her giving her BC less, especially when they were gifts chosen especially for them.

If she’s worried about the SC being left out, then why not just get them similar to what she knows the GP have got for the BC.

My sister has moved into her DPs home and he may be having his kids over the Xmas period.
I wasn’t planning on getting his kids anything or maybe just a token gift, but I wouldn’t spend as much as I would on my nieces and nephews.
If she doesn’t want the SC left out, then she can choose to give her kids my gifts when they’re at their mums instead.

Show quote history

Glad to finally see some sense! To expect grandparents to spend equal amounts on step children is ridiculous, they aren't their grandchildren!

All the people telling OP to stop them seeing their own grandchildren because they won't give equal money to step children are are even more ridiculous! Just give them their gifts separately if it's an issue.

noctilucentcloud · 09/11/2024 18:34

Maybe it's because I was the kid that was treated less well / felt unwanted, but I can't imagine not treating all children the same regardless of whether their blood or step grandkids (or fostered or adopted, it doesn't matter). How could you not include all four in the christmas box and not be chuffed to bits that the step grandkids were so enthusiastic and enjoying them with the younger ones.

I don't know how to solve this, but thank you for sticking up for all your children. I think the two issues now are how to deal with the stepkids and the grandparent relationship going forward (they're going to find out / realise / pick up on how they feel at some point and probably feel incredibly hurt and rejected, they may have already started to pick up on it), and secondly how to deal with the younger ones relationship with the grandparents (do you want them to have one, are the grandparents likely to behave or badmouth the stepgrandkids, how will the older ones feel). I don't know how best to navigate that. But I wouldn't be letting them go on Christmas eve.

I would say that what I have found most difficult to get over from my childhood is not how my grandparents treated me, but rather the fact that my mum knew and didn't protect me like mum's are meant to. And also feeling unwanted and unloved from her. It really does leave a mark.

Bachboo · 09/11/2024 18:37

MaterCogitaVera · 09/11/2024 13:34

Bloody hell. A couple of years ago, two of my friends came to us for Christmas because their families were out of the country. My mum always does me a Christmas stocking. When she knew my friends would be joining us, she put together stockings for them to open, too. I’m in my forties, and my friends were also both adults, but my mum didn’t want them to feel left out at Christmas. If we had kids here for the holidays - whether biologically related to her or not - I can’t even imagine how excited she’d be to do special Christmas stuff for them!

It’s so sad that your parents don’t seem to enjoy the idea of making all the children’s holidays special. You can’t force them, but you can certainly say that you’re not willing to have the children treated differently. So you have a few options:

  • give the grandparents’ boxes to your smaller kids, and do equivalent boxes from you and DH for the teens;
  • tell the gps that they can give the boxes separately to the smaller kids sometime after Christmas, when the teens aren’t there;
  • tell the gps that you won’t accept the boxes if they insist on excluding the teens;
  • persuade the gps to change their minds - show them that playing Santa for the older kids is a really nice, special thing to do.
I think the last one is unlikely to work, so I’d probably opt for the first or second path. The first one allows the gps to continue doing what they want, without totally excluding the teens - but it will be obvious that the gps didn’t send boxes for them, which may make them sad. The second path will piss your parents off, but will also make it clear that they can’t have everything their own way if they’re going to be Grinchy about it. If you go for that one, do something of your own on Christmas Eve to continue the special tradition, because it sounds like all the kids love it.

You sound like an awesome stepmum. I have one of those, and I still love her even though she and my dad divorced.

Whatever you decide, have a lovely Christmas with your family.

Your mum sounds amazing

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 09/11/2024 18:46

Glad to finally see some sense! To expect grandparents to spend equal amounts on step children is ridiculous, they aren't their grandchildren!

If they're in a scenario where they have one home only (which it sounds to be in this case) then not treating them equally is inexcusable.
The last thing you want is to damage the sibling relationship, they will hopefully have a lifetime of love and support together, no way should that be damaged because of a selfish, spiteful pair of fuckers who will be dead for most of their lives anyway.

EKGEMS · 09/11/2024 18:50

Amyknows · 09/11/2024 14:24

The thing is op, you can't expect this because that was your choice to make. A relative of mine expected this when she blended with a man who had 5 kids! There is no way that anyone else put themselves out to buy for 5 more additional kids.
You really can't expect this of people.

You're a mean one, Ms. Grinch

Wonderi · 09/11/2024 18:56

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 09/11/2024 18:46

Glad to finally see some sense! To expect grandparents to spend equal amounts on step children is ridiculous, they aren't their grandchildren!

If they're in a scenario where they have one home only (which it sounds to be in this case) then not treating them equally is inexcusable.
The last thing you want is to damage the sibling relationship, they will hopefully have a lifetime of love and support together, no way should that be damaged because of a selfish, spiteful pair of fuckers who will be dead for most of their lives anyway.

and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently.

If they live there full time then yes that would be different (although I’d still think it was up to OP/DH to make up for it, instead of taking away from the other kids).

But it seems like they don’t live there full time, as OP has said that all of the kids are there 23/24 Dec each year and talks about their mum.

So why doesn’t OP/their dad just get them their own Xmas eve boxes and then they won’t feel left out and the biological kids are getting the gifts that are meant for them.

BalletCat · 09/11/2024 19:14

EKGEMS · 09/11/2024 18:50

You're a mean one, Ms. Grinch

Show quote history

You can't be serious?

DysonSphere · 09/11/2024 20:13

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 09/11/2024 13:49

OP your parents sound weird. These aren't just random children, these are your children's half-siblings! To make a pointed 'look what lovely grandparents we are TO OUR RELATIONS' is to ignore the fact that your SC are YOUR CHILDREN'S relations! What utter tosspots.

My son's partner remarried and had another son, my GS's half brother. I send both of them the same amount of money for Christmas and I've never even MET his half brother and he has his own GPs, but it just seems fair. I cannot conceive leaving two children out in the Christmas Eve box way. Bonkers.

You sound so lovely!

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/11/2024 20:58

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 09/11/2024 18:46

Glad to finally see some sense! To expect grandparents to spend equal amounts on step children is ridiculous, they aren't their grandchildren!

If they're in a scenario where they have one home only (which it sounds to be in this case) then not treating them equally is inexcusable.
The last thing you want is to damage the sibling relationship, they will hopefully have a lifetime of love and support together, no way should that be damaged because of a selfish, spiteful pair of fuckers who will be dead for most of their lives anyway.

This x1000.

BalletCat · 09/11/2024 21:24

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/11/2024 20:58

This x1000.

Show quote history

Why are siblings more important than grandparents?

I would be furious if someone was taking gifts I gave to my grandchildren and gave them to someone else instead, what normal person wouldn't be?

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/11/2024 21:30

What normal person treat their daughter's stepchildren like second class citizens?

Stormyweatheroutthere · 09/11/2024 21:34

Your dps want half of your family to feel unwanted? What an awful idea.. Back away and take your lovely dc with you. Imagine the wonderful adult relationships they will have with each other. . My now exh had a terrible idea of family life after an awful sm who for example made her dc packed lunches but not him and his siblings. Their df had MND and did little for any of them sadly not by choice.

Mummyratbag · 09/11/2024 21:38

If they had been thoughtless that might be forgiveable, but to be actively furious? Childhood is so short and to be angry that they inadvertantly brought joy to some children (and yes they are stil children) makes them utter twats.

VegTrug · 09/11/2024 21:43

They have every right to treat them differently they are not their grandchildren! You cannot force someone else’s children on them! Those kids have their own grandparents

ButFirstCovfefe · 09/11/2024 21:51

Dear lord your parents sound awful (I’ve read all the updates).
You and your step-children sound bloody wonderful though.
You know who the important people are…and it absolutely doesn’t include your parents. You have two amazing, caring, grateful young teenagers there, who you clearly love as your own. Blood is NOT thicker than water.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/11/2024 21:54

BalletCat · 09/11/2024 21:24

Why are siblings more important than grandparents?

I would be furious if someone was taking gifts I gave to my grandchildren and gave them to someone else instead, what normal person wouldn't be?

Show quote history

Normal people would get the step-children gifts. Who goes to spend Christmas Eve with a blended family and deliberately leaves 2 children out.

OP has said that the worst thing is the fact that her parents want to make it obvious to these two children that none of the gifts are for them. They sound positively malevolent.

BalletCat · 09/11/2024 21:55

Mummyratbag · 09/11/2024 21:38

If they had been thoughtless that might be forgiveable, but to be actively furious? Childhood is so short and to be angry that they inadvertantly brought joy to some children (and yes they are stil children) makes them utter twats.

They're not angry they inadvertently bought joy to some children. They're angry the OP took the gifts and money they gave to their grandchildren and gave them to someone else.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/11/2024 22:00

VegTrug · 09/11/2024 21:43

They have every right to treat them differently they are not their grandchildren! You cannot force someone else’s children on them! Those kids have their own grandparents

The OP has said that her step-children don't have their own grandparents and that there is a tragic back story.

These children are their grandchildren's half siblings and part of the family. Who would turn up at a Christmas Eve celebration with lavish gifts for two of the children and absolutely nothing for the other two children?

They can treat them differently, but they won't be invited on Christmas Eve any more and OP will refuse to let her children go to their grandparents on Christmas Eve, as they have demanded.

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