Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

And the more comments I read, the more shocked I am at the selfish, cruel way lots of people seem to have.

You allude that your stepchildren have had some trauma in their lives, your husband has chosen very wisely bringing you in to their lives.

Personally I don’t see a problem with grandparents treating their grandkids to a Xmas eve box. I think they should get them a token present for Xmas but they are not their grandkids.
I wouldn’t be happy if I was giving my grandkids money and then you were essentially stealing of them to give it to the step kids.

You could have just made your own Xmas eve box years ago to split between them all and kept your parents one for just your DC, instead of making them share everything.

Well done OP for loving and protecting your family.

My family was blended along time ago. Badly and unfairly, and the scars of growing up unequally run deep and have had a devestating effect on self-esteem and sense of belonging on several family members contining decades later.

Toxic grandparents had a lot to do with it, unmitigated and exacerbated by a tight budget, an unwillingness to challenge the grandparents and bio-"family" moving on and focusing on their new family leaving that child left out by both their old and new families. The children were growing up together in the same household with deeply uneven amounts of resources and love. Not that the golden child thrived long term either.

Children need to be treated fairly. That doesn't necessarily mean identically. Sometimes a token is enough if that's part of balance in the big picture, but to happily see grandchildren excluded, divided and conquered in the name of blood is cruel and controlling, and OP is right to mitigate that so that it doesn't damage the children and their relationships with each other.

Tell the grandparents you'll accept zero gifts for any of the kids, nor will you see them at Christmas, unless all four are treated equally.

This x1000.

Choices have consequences.

I strongly suggest you exclude them from all Christmas festivities this year. Teach them a lesson about what it feels like to be treated as second class.

"Sorry, we're just having family Christmas this year. See you in January perhaps."

They are so appalling. Especially as the teens are so kind to the younger children.

It seems so unnecessarily cruel. Why wouldn't you want to put a smile on your daughter's SC faces at Xmas, especially if you could afford to and they were so appreciative?

I think there's a case to be made for the SC not to inherit from your parents but that very different to few bits in a box at Xmas. They don't have to love the kids, just have some humanity.

What next?! Your parents hold a birthday party but the SCs must stand facing the wall in case they "enjoy" anything?

I agree with others, say "Grandparents can't do the Christmas box anymore, so you've taken on the family tradition.

Your parents sound horrible to me. I'd be telling them in future you will be doing Xmas Eve boxes for all 4 DC. I'd not be letting 2 youngest go to their grandparents on Xmas Eve this year or any year if they treat DC like that. I suppose they don't gift to the 2 DSC either?

and how do you think the OPs parents would feel about those other grandparents doing something similar, and excluding their grandchildren.

family is more than just blood. it's cruel to exclude step children/grandchildren from a family tradition, and as mentioned, expect them to just be spectators

That is sad. My DS is adopted and I can say without any exceptions all family on both mine and my DH's side accepted DS as part of the family, and he was 3 when he came.

I didn't always see eye to eye with my MIL, but I will always be grateful for her acceptance and love and not treating him any different to her blood grandchildren. If anything, she had a bit of a soft spot for DS as her own mum grew up in a children's home, and he was probably more spoilt than his cousins 😁

My DD only has my parents who are really poor by most people's standards. Never had much money
DSD has 3 sets of GPs 2 sets are very well off so in our house DD gets a token gift from these people say £10 in a card while DSD gets hundreds and hundreds spent. It hurts as they've known her since she was 11 months old.

It’s not right to change someone’s gift and regift it (in a way) without telling them. You should have either returned the gift, or left it as is and bought your step children something to even it up. But amending a gift and evening it up without telling the GPs is wrong.

I don't agree. The OP has the right to control what her minor children do/do not receive.

Grandparents have no right to determine what the children get. They can offer something but they can't mandate how (or if) it's distributed to the kids.

they sound like great older siblings. they definitely don't deserve to be treated so unfairly.

I think I would tell the grandparents that, thank you for the boxes, but you've decided to take over the tradition yourselves this year so nobody is left out, and it's just for "immediate family" ie. you. partner, and your various children.
then get to making the best Christmas eve box and family night. (and probably get a little satisfaction putting their noses out of joint by excluding them)

it wasn't really a thing when I was growing up, but I'd always get a new festive film to watch (and since the year it was Muppets, that's always been the finale of the evening) and had hot chocolate with all the trimmings, new fluffy socks, and festive snacks.
so while we didn't do Christmas eve boxes then, we still had a Christmas eve special tradition, which was sort of the same thing on a smaller scale.

I think the tradition is very much about sharing and doing things together, so you're absolutely right to not want anyone feeling sidelined.

I was adopted into a large family and if anything I was my grandmas secret favourite. God knows why. I had a great relationship with my many aunts.
What a sad mean unkind life your parents lead. The quality street episode!
How could they begrudge such lovely kids this happiness. They dont deserve you or the company of their grandchildren, blood or otherwise.
I am a grandparent carer and treat them as my own gift wise but I know I am not their mum.
Fgs dont let them split the kids up at Christmas. Hate the implied threat of grandparents rights....

You've done a kind thing Op and for good reasons but now your DPs know things could get very awkward. Your DPs are angry so I'd keep them away from your DSC, I wouldn't put it past them to tell the DSC that none of the gifts were for them and ruin their Christmas.

OP should have told the GPs though. Just grow a pair and say at the outset, this isn’t fair so I’m not doing this without a redistribution. What’s with the lying? Not a good example

You sound like a truly lovely step parent and it’s not an easy role. I’m sorry your parents are quite vile. I agree with everything you’ve said and done.

I think it might take more than four visiting ghosts to fix them. (five if it's the muppets)

When you think what they are buying and that it's only once a year, this seems so so mean spirited.

Some people are just the absolute pits.

My grandmother on my Dad's side made it clear I was her least favourite grandchild.

I am 63 now and she died in 1985. It still hurts so I think you are marvellous for sorting this OP.

Personally I don’t see a problem with grandparents treating their grandkids to a Xmas eve box. I think they should get them a token present for Xmas but they are not their grandkids
I wouldn’t be happy if I was giving my grandkids money and then you were essentially stealing of them to give it to the step kids

Wow these SC we’re 8 and 10 when they were part of OPs life -

Why would you purposely exclude them in Christmas Eve when they had more of an idea then the younger children if not at the prime of Christmas.

How could you even think that’s an idea?

My mum gives me money each Christmas, sometimes it’s split sometimes it’s spent on outings, sometimes we buy a big family gift. Thats my choice.

The OP has the right to decide what he children do and don’t received WHEN ITS BEEN OFFERED TO THEM. She doesn’t have the right to take a gift for her children and give only half to the intended recipients while giving the other half to someone else, with the giver of the gift having no idea. She could have refused the gift unless it was for the step kids as well. But she doesn’t get to take it and then stealthily give it out to people other than the intended recipients. And grandparents do, I think, have a right to expect that a gift given to a minor via their parent goes to that child if nothing has been discussed to the contrary.

I think the grandparents sound awful btw, and OP sounds like a lovely person, but as I said up thread I think she has made some poor choices in handling this issue and has probably made it a lot worse in the long run by acting covertly and breaking her parents trust. If you have an issue with the gift you have to speak to the recipient and if necessary refuse it, taking it and giving it to someone else without their knowledge is deceitful, even if it’s for ‘nice’ reasons.

What lovely step kids you have. And you sound equally as lovely too.

I'm gobsmacked at your parents behaviour! It's Xmas for crying out loud; kids make Xmas magical so why on earth would they want to deliberately exclude their grand children's siblings?! What message does this give your kids?! I wonder what your DH thinks of your parents? I'd struggle to look them in the eye personally. So mean spirited and quite cruel really.

And I hope you refuse to drop your kids Xmas eve. Your parents can treat them another day, not when DSC are around.

they lack the warmth and depth.