To think that people should be a bit more sensitive when announcing pregnancy

[SophieRules]

My ‘friend’ knows that I had a miscarriage recently but rang me out of the blue on video call and showed me an image of her 12 week scan to announce her pregnancy. I would have preferred a message. I am of course delighted for her but I think if someone has recently experienced baby loss it feels insensitive to be showing them picture of scans and to tell the face to face out of the blue. Please if you are in this situation and you know someone is struggling send them a message so they have a bit of privacy when reacting.

OK some of the analogies on this thread are bonkers.

I have a friend who very sadly lost her mother last year. It's not like I never mention my mum but I don't call her on mother's day showing off about what I did. That's the correct analogy.

Also OP is happy for her friend!

Eh? Hard to ‘keep up’ with the fact that a supposed friend has recently had a miscarriage?

I don’t know whether you meant it this way, but your comment comes across as thinking that these things are quite trivial, even though you’ve included stillbirth in there which is particularly jarring.

This!! You can’t expect someone to tone down their excitement because what happens if you do eventually fall pregnant, are you going to do the same or shout it from the rooftops? My guess would be the latter.

I must have missed the part where her friend vidio messaged her on the day she lost her baby and was showing off about her pregnancy. :/
She should be happy for her friend and people shouldnt have to be worried about sharing happy news about thie family/friends.

You can be as excited as you want apart from to the small proportion of friends who you know it will affect. It's not about tempering your excitement for the whole world. I'm sure the friend had loads of other people she could have rung!

I don't agree with you about how OP will act at all as think most people who've had a loss know how to be sensitive when needed.

Yes her friend video messaged her with a scan knowing she had recently had a miscarriage. She is happy for her friend but she, rightly, felt it was insensitive.

And could be a massive surprise, shock, totally planned or unplanned longed for or unwanted, everyone is different, just as everyone is different dealing with loss.

Personally I would try to speak to a friend or colleague f2f if I was announcing a pregnancy and I knew someone has a recent loss or trouble conceiving, but havubg read the thread I might rethink that, though there's nil chance I'll be pregnant again. I'd love another but it can't happen now.

Recently...not on the day or anneversary of her misscarrage. A few weeks/months. What is the correct timing please? Should she not talk about her happy news just incase someone is triggered,
Lots of people have different things going on - not just babies. You cant know all the times people will be senistive. Just unserstand that people are allowed to share happy events even if that makes others sad that they cant. X

Sorry for your loss and sorry that your friend was so insensitive. Doing it via FaceTime knowing you suddenly have to be “on” and happy is very tough.

Bit flabbergasted by this! Obviously the vast majority of people are upset about miscarriages for longer than the actual day it happens (also it can take weeks to miscarry)! It could often be months or until they had a new viable pregnancy. I would treat it like any other bereavement.

And it's not 'someone'- it is a specific close friend. No one is saying people can't share good news full stop. Just that good friends are a bit more empathetic to their friends unique circumstances.

Yes I know all about miscarriages .

And I'm guessing that of so many of these comments from women who want to point out the have lost pregnancies (usually sneering in a 'you couldn't possibly understand' way, even though most of us really do and just don't need to be centre of attention always), most of them were like that too when they initially announced their good news!

People are just really insensitive, OP. I don't think that what you experienced is uncommon. If your friend has not experienced a stillbirth or a miscarriage, she'll be oblivious, since most people lack the intelligence and empathy to put themselves in another's shoes unless they've been through the exact same thing.

My friend's husband and my husband left us around the same time. I don't have kids. She said to me one day, "At least I have my kids! I'm not truly on my own!" Very insensitive.

I've spent too much time chewing over other people's insensitivity, bad manners, bad behaviour, what have you. Time to throw it back on them and see their lack of social skills for what it is - a giant zit on their personality.

Hope you are ok x
Didnt think anyone was sneering tbh.

Not everyone feels the same way you do, which you’re not understanding.I agree your comments have came across as sneering.

Well help me then,, what part or where was I sneery. I think that people and especially friends should be able to share happy news. She did it face to face, facetime? and not in front of a crowd.
My point was.. there are lots of triggering things for different people and its not sneery to be happy about a joyful event.
I understand that people think differently which is why I am sharing my opinion x

No. Sometimes the day never comes.

I'm not ignorant to this fact. I've had my own share of loss. My own twin sons died at birth this month last year. Apologies for the comment, was trying to be hopeful in shitty times.

It’s not about sharing news @Hippoh or not being happy for someone.It’s about doing a video call out of the blue and showing a scan photo, when the friend has recently had a miscarriage, isn’t prepared, why is this so difficult to understand this could be triggering, just because you haven’t felt this way, it’s not the same for everyone.Yes you’re giving your opinion, not in any of your comments are you understanding it’s not about the news, it’s how it is given.If you care about a friend, why wouldn’t you consider their feelings, ask first, if they want to see the scan photo as it’s not obligatory to sharing news, or affecting anyone’s happiness.

Hmm it’s a hard one. Because on the other end, you get people that say “she didn’t tell me that she was pregnant and she’s been avoiding me since I’ve had my miscarriage.”

She is probably very excited about her news and I’m guessing you mean a lot to her so she is sharing. Maybe she might not know how you feel - I wish we could all have emotional intelligence.

If you are feeling triggered, maybe keep your distance. She will probably feel just as rubbish that her pregnancy makes you feel this way. I’m guessing you also need time to heal.

I say this as someone that personally distanced myself after a loss - sadly it hindered a lot of my friendships but I needed time to heal - and years later, I’ve recovered these friendships. Although my friend that was pregnant at the time - opened up about having very bad PND and a terrible time after the birth of her son (this all happens pre-Covid so it has been years!) I couldn’t be there for her.

I want to highlight that we all need eachother. And I hope that you and your friend find a middle ground.

Please don't assume what 'everyone is/isn't interested in'.

@SophieRules I'm sorry about your mc. It's hard x

your 'friend' was very insensitive. a message (my preference) or a phone call where you can have your own private reaction, fine. But a video call isn't very thoughtful, it doesn't give you any chance to pull yourself together before masking your hurt & congratulating her. It's unfair & unkind.

shoving her scan picture at you without even asking is really unkind. It's beyond 'thoughtless' especially if she is/was a close friend.

people should ASK if someone wants to see it before just showing them to anyone, but some people find the upsetting/creepy etc

best wishes for you too xx

Absolutely this.

It's that first second of sheer gut wrenching grief, that the new mum definitely doesn't need to see.

My sister announced all her pregnancies via sm.

I'm eternally grateful for her last, that DH saw it first and was able to tell me before I chanced upon it and felt awful.

DSis has since apologised for not reading the room and telling me privately.

But not having had any fertility issues, it's something she struggles to comprehend. How good news can be devastating.

Your grieving does not trump her right to be elated at her pregnancy. She can choose to announce it however she wishes. Perhaps she thought you'd genuinely be as elated, as her.

I don't understand this rather common theme on mumsnet that everyone else must mute or otherwise downplay their good news, for other people, regardless of their (terrible) circumstances.

Her becoming pregnant does not take away from your grief in any way, shape or form. It's a terrible loss and very hard. I'm afraid to say though (and I'm sure I'll be absolutely crucified for this), the world does not (nor should it) just stop because an individual is grieving.

I don't believe in muting her experience in any way, shape, or form. Not only will it not bring you any comfort to downplay her pregnancy, it's also not fair to her either. You never know, this may be the only pregnancy she ever has, and she deserves to enjoy it, and moreover appreciate it, to the fullest, as every mother does. I'm so sorry this was taken from you. Taking part of the experience from her in in the sense of controlling how she behaves happily around her pregnancy, won't bring it back for you love. It won't bring you anything except an elephant in the room and quite possibly a damaged friendship.

The PP who attended her triplets funeral and had her cousin phone her to tell her the news the same day - that was insensitive and could have waited a bit. If she was talking to you ALL the time about this pregnancy, despite having a word with her about it, then that'd be insensitive.

This is a hard one because it will be extremely difficult for you during the grieving process, but actually, I also think she really deserves a friend to be elated for her too, and to not feel she must tread on eggshells excessively about this.

If you don't like how she announced her pregnancy to you, or you don't feel you can be a proper friend to her during this time, then I would think stepping back would be the best thing for both of you, to be honest.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

God you can really tell who the arseholes in life are from threads like these.

Your friend was extremely insensitive. I find it extremely self indulgent how someone’s “joy” needs to involve someone grieving being elated for them to get the “full experience”.

I am in the latter stages of pregnancy at the moment and as far as I’m concerned, I’ve won the bumper prize and I’m bloody thrilled after a small struggle to get here. Of course I’m elated but it takes absolutely nothing away from me to be a bit more sensitive around friends who are struggling, I’m not so self obsessed to need constant congratulations and attention from every person in my life, there are plenty of people such as my mum and husband who can be all giddy and excited with me, there’s no need to force it on those in pain. Some people just can’t seem to accept though that their news does not trump everyone else’s feelings.

I can’t believe some people are suggesting not to tell and just turn up visibly pregnant, when I was struggling this would have absolutely floored me, to be publicly confronted like this with no warning! Why can’t people just show a bit of common decency and send a text when the recipient is likely to be alone and don’t send scan photos without asking if there’s any doubt if the person may be struggling.