To think that people should be a bit more sensitive when announcing pregnancy

[SophieRules]

My ‘friend’ knows that I had a miscarriage recently but rang me out of the blue on video call and showed me an image of her 12 week scan to announce her pregnancy. I would have preferred a message. I am of course delighted for her but I think if someone has recently experienced baby loss it feels insensitive to be showing them picture of scans and to tell the face to face out of the blue. Please if you are in this situation and you know someone is struggling send them a message so they have a bit of privacy when reacting.

Ouch. Op I’m sorry for your loss.
Your friend was insensitive
maybe she didn’t think

my sister had a miscarriage shortly after I became pregnant I told her privately and alone so she heard from me first before everyone else knew.

That was a difficult conversation for us both

If you were my close friend I 100% would have taken a much more sensitive approach . Either waiting a bit, or addressing it in a personalised message or call, along the lines of ' I wanted to let you know I'm pregnant. It's exciting news for me but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you too and I hope this isnt difficult news for you to hear.' You can share happy news as well as acknowledging your friends situation, it shows empathy.

If someone is close enough to video call with your 12 week scan they are close enough for you to remember if they had any of the above.

I’m so sorry, that’s tragic. Feeling tearful for you here x

Ah come on that’s like saying you can’t post wedding pictures because it’s insensitive to people who got divorced. It’s a massive exciting event for people.

I think your friend was thoughtless and completely insensitive. It's one thing making a big announcement on social media - you can't cover all bases when it comes to people's own personal experiences - but privately telling a friend who has suffered a loss, in that manner, is just horrendously tactless. My SIL and I haven't always seen eye to eye but I will always remember and appreciate how sensitively she handled her pregnancy announcement to DP and me after I had suffered an ectopic pregnancy. There are ways of doing things.

Sorry for your loss OP

Not the same. For many getting divorced is a relief.

Meant to also add the photo was thoughtless of her. Keep holding on, OP, your day will come. Xxx

So sorry, OP. I think people are generally shit with any kind of loss.

I had an 'atypical' loss of a family member recently, very shocking. People immediately told me I'd feel relieved, or that they 'promised' I would get over it 'very soon'. Better to say nothing at all, if you're going to be that crass.

How long do you wait though? It's not like you can hide it for very long, and then they'll be hurt you didn't tell them when they notice.

I think it's pretty normal to tell people you're pregnant, as you say it's visible!

I agree about not telling before the first scan, but that's personal preference.

Despite it being my preference, I've announced early twice. The first time was during my appraisal as it felt dishonest to discuss work planning and I knew my boss would be lovely as he'd been very supportive when I had my first. I miscarried a few weeks later and again he was lovely and I was glad I'd told him.

The second was a few months later, when I was 11 weeks on Christmas Day and spending it with a relative who'd tried and failed to have a baby with his wife. I knew if I didn't say anything he'd guess very quickly (I really like wine ) and I didn't want to put him on the spot, especially since a couple of years previously they had both been "sick" over Christmas when there was lots of baby news. So I told the extended family a week before Christmas after a private scan, and said we were only telling them because we knew they'd guess, but it was very early so we didn't want to talk about it.

I struggled for years to conceive. My best friend knew this. She got married and mentioned trying to conceive after this. One day I got a message asking to meet up this week which was unusual as usually it's just "want to meet up soon?" And then we went for a meal out where she wasn't quite her self and conversation felt a bit awkward. She wasn't drinking like she normally did so I twigged within minutes. I had to sit there through her making inane conversation but she wasn't really engaging her mind was so obviously elsewhere. Then she dropped me back off at mine and told me she was pregnant. She let me sit through that whole meal while she was weird I knew for the whole meal.

Seriously people just send a text

It's not the same. It's more like ringing up your recently widowed friend and waking a wedding photo in their face

Been there, alas it was my DM gleefully showing me pictures of my DN/ DB’s daughter, telling me how glad she was to be a GM just after I’d had a miscarriage & was subsequently dumped by my BF.

I get she was excited but I just needed a little space from those kind of thoughts for a while. So I get it, it proper stings. Also, I’m sorry. You deserve a hug & your friend deserves as kick up the arse.

Wow that is so insensitive- sorry OP. I had a missed miscarriage so never share / send people scan pictures unless they ask for it. Also calling someone you know has experienced a loss to announce your pregnancy just beggars belief! I think people who haven’t had the experience of miscarriage just don’t get it sometimes.

But life goes on and someone who is widowed knows that too. My DD died and in the following years, I've watched her friends get married and have babies. At first it hurt a lot but I never expected people to pretend their lives weren't happening because my child would never have those things. I see it and hope that they will never know the pain I do.

There are ways to tell people things sensitively but life goes on with good things and bad things for everyone. We just have to deal with it and maybe have a private cry. It would be worse to be left out of friendships and news because people are too scared to share.

If I only found out a friend was having a baby after the baby was born, I'd consider the friendship wasn't what I thought it was and probably just move on.

I am so sorry for your loss

Yes, that was really insensitive of your friend. She’s excited but knows what you have been through, she really should have been more thoughtful.

It is difficult to know what everyone’s individual circumstances are but generally, knowing that 1 in 4 women will lose a pregnancy, announcements could be a bit more sensitive and in a situation where you do know that someone has experienced a loss, it is not hard to have a bit of tact. Sorry for your loss OP.

Absolutely but there are ways of doing it and video phoning someone and waving a photo in their face puts them right on the spot

I think she got it. What an utter bitch. 😢

The thing that pisses me off is when people WhatsApp a scan photo and it saves to my phone camera reel automatically. I'm terrible at deleting photos so some days I'm flicking through and see people's scan photos and have no idea who it is. Drives me insane.

I've been trying to conceive on and off for a very long time and last attempt ended in a miscarriage 2 years ago. I'm over getting upset when people are pregnant, life goes on and I get that they are excited. I still get the lurching feeling in my stomach but a quick "oh that's lovely news hope they are keeping well" and move on with the conversation works for me.

You are not wrong. She’s obviously got completely caught up in her excitement and not thought about the impact that news will have on you. I’m sorry for your loss ❤️