To think that people should be a bit more sensitive when announcing pregnancy

[SophieRules]

My ‘friend’ knows that I had a miscarriage recently but rang me out of the blue on video call and showed me an image of her 12 week scan to announce her pregnancy. I would have preferred a message. I am of course delighted for her but I think if someone has recently experienced baby loss it feels insensitive to be showing them picture of scans and to tell the face to face out of the blue. Please if you are in this situation and you know someone is struggling send them a message so they have a bit of privacy when reacting.

That is shocking.

she could have kept them anyway, she would be needing them in only a few months!

That is appalling and I hope she realises it st some point and apologises to you.

It's really NOT that hard for close friends. At all.

This thread really highlights the lack of empathy some people have. How could your friend not think for a moment that you might find this upsetting ?

There will be variations but I think most people who are having issues themselves would prefer to be told by message so that they can have some privacy.

That doesn't mean making assumptions about how they will feel or respond. I agree it's pretty rude to cancel someone's visit on this basis.

I think telling your mum or grandma by text might be considered rude but most people communicate by text with their friends now so if that's what you normally do then no need to do anything different for a pregnancy announcement. It's not some huge urgent news that requires immediate response.

I feel this way everytime an influencer announces a pregnancy with a fanfare on SM and I never (fortunately) experienced loss. So gross.

You can at least have the sensitivity and sense not to do it over a video call where the person receiving the news has no way of hiding their immediate response to it. The op says she would have preferred a message, and I think most people would in similar circumstances.

Utterly selfish. Cancel that friend, honestly.

Before I experienced a miscarriage I messaged two friends, kept it short / sweet and said they didn’t need to reply.

After a miscarriage and TFMR I would still do the same.

You do t have to experience loss to be a good friend imo, just comes down to how self absorbed some people are

I had my second pregnancy shortly before my best friend had a hysterectomy in her thirties - unable to have much wanted children. It was very difficult as she’s my closest friend and it would have been just as weird not to share it with her, but we talked a lot about how I was conscious of not wanting to rub it in. She was brilliant about it and is very involved with my children but my heart still breaks for her.

I'm sure that OP's friend has lots of other people to video call who haven't just had a miscarriage and who would be happy to celebrate with her without any reservations or sadness.

She could have just sent OP a message which would allow the OP to digest the news in her own time and put on her 'game face' when meeting up in person or on a video call.

I'm so sorry your friend is being so awful and I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine being as brave as you. I wish you all the best with your current pregnancy.

This is about showing some sensitivity, to a friend, who you know has recently lost a baby.
Your response is contradictory, that the other person should understand, doesn’t that work both ways.

Quite easily.

I didn’t do this to anyone. Because I was mature enough to know that many many women I knew would have experienced fertility problems or pregnancy losses, whether I knew about it would or not.

Everytime I see/hear of someone making an announcement in this way it tells me how little empathy they have for the very common sufferings of others.

YABU. You don't know who's miscarried that's the thing it's so common maybe you friend has but hasn't told you OP. When you get pregnant are you going to announce to your friends and family?

Everyone is different
My first child died at birth 30 years ago
Other people having babies didn't upset me,I f didnt want their baby ,I wanted my baby
Still do

I love all my friends dearly and I love their children but I am not so heavily invested that I feel they should video call me to tell me they are pregnant - a text is fine.

I have had multiple losses and preferred a text so I could have my own reaction in private and then react positively when I saw them. I was always happy for them of course but when I was struggling so much I needed a minute to process that ‘punch in the chest’ feeling.

Friend of mine had several miscarriages, when her SIL got pregnant they text her, because they thought it would give her time to process and react, she was really upset because she said they didn't know where she'd be when she got the message or how she'd deal with it and it felt impersonal (she was at home in the evening with her husband) she would've rather been told face to face like the in-laws/grandparents were. So when I fell pregnant I arranged to see her at her home with a get out if she wanted me to skidaddle and I knew her husband was there working on the garden. I was as gentle as I could be breaking the news, told her I understood if she needed space etc. She didn't speak to me for ages after, and told other people I'd been insensitive doing it face to face.
I think however you found out it would've hurt. Our friendship has never been the same since I had DS, we were very very close before, I supported her through the miscarriages and her MH struggles we spoke most days and a week didn't go past without us seeing each other. She hasn't had children of her own her husband wanted to try IUI or IVF but she didn't which is absolutely her choice, but she has gradually cut each one of us out or kept at a distance and it's been years, DS is nearly six. It's a real shame. Her husband and his brother were very close and now see each other 3/4 times a year because she can't be around her nephews.
Your friend was insensitive but if she generally isn't please don't let it ruin a good relationship.

My god that is imbecilic. I can't imagine what you went through 💐

Dickish move from her. Text is sufficient. No need to be doing video calls and showing scan pics to someone who’s had a loss. Not to say you can’t be happy for her but sometimes people need a bit of processing time. Putting you on the spot is a bit heartless.

I agree with this.

Your friend was unreasonable to announce to you that she was pregnant the way she did, knowing you had lost a pregnancy recently. If she announces insensitivity, I would assume she will be insensitive to OP’s feelings the whole pregnancy so I would personally distance myself a bit from this “friend”

I have been on both sides, I’ve lost pregnancies and I’ve had a successful pregnancy. I always ensured to announce my pregnancy to a friend going through infertility/ loss very carefully. Never by waving a scan photo in their face on camera.

You sound awful. Sorry but you do. If you care about someone you’d remember that they’ve lost a child.

My friend was struggling with infertility and a lot of mumsnetters at the time were insisting that I announce my pregnancy to her in person.

Thank goodness I didn't listen. I told her by text message because I wanted her to have the option to fall apart in private and have time to put her brave face on when I saw her.

The next time I saw her she didn't mention the pregnancy and that proved to me that if she couldn't bring herself to talk about it weeks after I told her, it would have crushed her at the time.

I chose my time carefully, and made sure to text her after work and I didn't post about my pregnancy on social media at all.

Really, it's so exciting to share your pregnancy news but once the excitement has passed you still (hopefully) go on to have a baby and experience all of the joy which that brings. If you're struggling to get pregnant or have just had a loss, then you get smacked in the face with that information and then life goes on for the pregnant woman (hopefully!) while the woman who isn't pregnant is left reeling for months or even years.

I just felt grateful that I was pregnant, but I knew i would have to inform my friend at some point and took absolutely zero pleasure in sharing the information. She said she was happy for me over text but I would not have blamed her one bit for having an entire suitcase full of dark, resentful, angry and hopeless emotions about it.

Yanbu

I remember feeling awkward telling a neighbour friend that I was expecting our second because I knew she was having trouble conceiving. I said I wanted to tell her myself rather than her find out from someone else. She was fine about it and subsequently had a son and daughter.

How are you both obviously delighted for her if you need privacy when reacting?

It's fine to struggle with it, for any reason, but if you're actually happy with that idea she's having a baby on her behalf, sharing an image that shows it isn't disrespectful of her.