To think that people should be a bit more sensitive when announcing pregnancy

[SophieRules]

My ‘friend’ knows that I had a miscarriage recently but rang me out of the blue on video call and showed me an image of her 12 week scan to announce her pregnancy. I would have preferred a message. I am of course delighted for her but I think if someone has recently experienced baby loss it feels insensitive to be showing them picture of scans and to tell the face to face out of the blue. Please if you are in this situation and you know someone is struggling send them a message so they have a bit of privacy when reacting.

If you recently had a miscarriage then yes a text or something would have been better, maybe your friend got carried away with excitement and couldn’t wait to tell you and just didn’t think

I disagree, a message can be read and digested by the person receiving it in their own time. It leaves the response in their hands in their own time, unlike a video message that’s instant.

i understand the emotions the op was feeling. I had similar happen to me with out of the blue announcements after a late loss and with a bit of distance of a few years my feelings have changed. I can see things less emotionally now.
it has to be said that many people lack sensitivity. Empathy wouldn’t go astray.

That’s a pretty sad answer. I think you may be in a minority for not understanding people wanting to celebrate and announce their life changing news.

Christ you're a better woman than I am for not falling out with her for that! I'd have rammed them somewhere.

Sorry for your loss 💐

Sharing a scan photo with anyone unless they've actively asked to see it is crass at the best of times, let alone in these circumstances

You don't need ro inform everyone the minute you find out or the minute you are 12 weeks pregnant. Your friend was v unkind.

Having had 2 early mc myself I definitely would have texted and it would be so hard doing it.
.I will say though a friend of mine who had a mc a few months ago has been very cruel to me since i told them I was pregnant again. I have a backstory with this in that this week a year ago my twin sons died. One baby was born sleeping and we had to turn off life support for his son in the neonatal unit when he was 3 days old. I was 30 weeks pregnant.

We got pregnant 8 months later and it's been so hard, full of anxiety, guilt, grief ect. I haven't enjoyed this pregnancy but I'm doing my best.

This friend had a loss, she was 6 weeks in the summer and I was there for her, albeit it was tough as I was and am still grieving my boys. I eventually had to tell her I was pregnant, a good while after the summer, I was three months and it pained me to do it. But I texted her.

I thought things were ok, I never posted about the pregnancy, and never brought it up. I've been very sick throughout it and very anxious. At a group dinner with pals, one friend asked how have I been doing and I tried to brush it off, just said, it's tough with my boys anniversary coming up but I'm doing ok. The friend who had the mc announced, oh she's fine. I'd kill to be her in position. I've no sympathy for you.

So these comments have been coming my way for weeks now. The reality is this is my 4th pregnancy, 5th baby in 2 years and I haven't brought any home yet. I had to deliver my baby dead and turn off life support so that his brother could pass away in our arms. I wanted to shake her and say I'm so sorry for your loss, it's so shit but my dh and I deserve this happiness too, stop punishing me. We've suffered enough. But no I've now just withdrawn a bit until she comes to term with her own loss and just leaves me alone. I've had enough.

My point really is I thought I did everything right with her and she has badmouthed me, told me I'm so lucky, told me to move on ect....I feel there's no easy or right way to give ppl this news.

So op, you definitely are right, it should have been more sensitive and most people will be aware of that. If you can, stay off SM though, I found sm quite tough in the early days. I hope you get your rainbow soon. And feel free to chat if you need it, I've been around the block sadly on this one.

So I don't think when publicly announcing via social media anyone should care to be honest.

However if telling someone in person or a group if it's well know one of the people has issues ttc etc I think a warning message is appropriate pre event.

However, as personal to you and as impactive it is on your life it doesn't dictate or impact others so they may just forget. Similarly to I don't get offended if people talk about their fathers after mine died, although I understand there is a difference.

The thing is that you can’t speak for everyone OP. I wouldn’t have wanted my friends to tell me by text, I’d have wanted them to tell me face you face or at least a phone call/video call.

You need to communicate with your friends if you need certain things from them, but trying to tell everyone else to behave a certain way, when everyone is different, doesn’t really work.

I think your friend was unusually thoughtless calling you direct with photos… 😞

Is a miscarriage not also "life changing news"? Shouldn't people have some respect for that?

It's really not asking much to expect people to be sensitive. My SIL had to tell me she was pregnant shortly after I had a miscarriage, with a very similar due date to the pregnancy I'd lost. I was pleased for her, but if she'd have decided to video call me squealing and waving her scan photo around when I'd had to sit through repeated scans that showed my baby wasn't developing, or done a big "announcement" at a family occasion I think I'd have lost my shit with her tbh.

It's a bit like people nowadays who come up with crazy shit like dress codes for weddings and do things that really inconvenience their guests and you're supposed to just go with it because "it's their special day". People genuinely seem to think the world revolves around them and that they should do things exactly how they want and fuck anyone else's opinion or feelings .

You can act like that if you want but don't expect people to like you very much afterwards.

I’m sorry she was insensitive. I think people just don’t understand unless they’ve been through it. I had to read a pregnancy announcement on social media of a family member the day before I went to pick up my still born sons ashes. When I was pregnant with DD I messaged my friend who was struggling with infertility so she could process it alone before I saw her. I also don’t put pregnancy announcements on social media but I’m ultra sensitive about it.

She was probably excited and has no real understanding of what you’ve gone through, not that I’m excusing it.

I think your friend was very thoughtless. If they aren't usually like this I'd chalk it up to maybe not understanding what having a loss feels like. If they are often like this I'd start distancing myself.

I don't really get big pregnancy announcements at 12 weeks tbh. I just told people as and when when I saw them. I texted a few friends who had fertility issues before I was going to see them in person.
I bet this was never a thing pre social media.
Its obviously nice news but the big announcements can wait until baby is safetly here.

@Ella31 💐

It’s hardly difficult to keep up with a friend’s pregnancy unless they live in the remotest part of the Himalayas with no internet signal.

I had a message from a friend saying something along the lines of “I know you’re struggling to get pregnant but…” and then a second message with a happy photo of her and her husband holding their scan photo. It was the fact that she acknowledged it was difficult for me but still doing something she knew would upset me. It’s not like she simply got caught up in the excitement and just forgot.

God that’s awful.

When I was pregnant with my second I sent a message to a friend who I knew was experiencing secondary infertility. I just thought it was kinder to let her process the news before we saw each other. Based on some of the responses on this thread, I don't see what's so difficult about having empathy for what others might be going through.

It's hard, I understand she's excited but you need to be sensitive of which friends might be struggling. I've been in your shoes and friends were always really scared to tell me which I hated tbh, I was always happy to hear.

I did the same with my friend who was going through IVF.
I agree with the OP that her friend was being insensitive.

Omg this is literally the worst! Are you still her friend?!

I may be biased after several miscarriages, but why announce it at all? Especially before your first scan.I And after that you will start showing anyway so people will sort of realise. That was how I played it even with close friends. I didn't want the sympathy if I miscarried again, I didn't want to tempt fate and I didn't want to upset anyone who had also miscarried and not told anyone.

I'm sorry for everyone's losses.

And they aren't entitled to other people's joy and excitement for them. There should be plenty of people who can give them that without needing it from someone recently gone through a miscarriage.