To think that people should be a bit more sensitive when announcing pregnancy

[SophieRules]

My ‘friend’ knows that I had a miscarriage recently but rang me out of the blue on video call and showed me an image of her 12 week scan to announce her pregnancy. I would have preferred a message. I am of course delighted for her but I think if someone has recently experienced baby loss it feels insensitive to be showing them picture of scans and to tell the face to face out of the blue. Please if you are in this situation and you know someone is struggling send them a message so they have a bit of privacy when reacting.

My niece was stillborn, my sisters(her mum) sil planned a pregnancy the week she told them it would be bad news for the baby, and then they told her the week after she buried her daughter. I find it all disgusting for ppl who did not even want to try for children to wait untill that time is vile and then to announce it the way they did when they did too ,I'm so angry for my sister and her husband

Your friend isn't considerate, if she's going to be like that the entire pregnancy I'd distance myself even temporarily. I'm sorry for your loss

But you wouldn't remove wedding photos you want to display for their benefit either.

Most people have had a bereavement of some kind. We don't hide evidence of friends and family who are alive and well to compensate.

Aw thank you. People are more resilient than we realise. And this lovely Op will be too. Fertility is such a tough journey

I was replying to a poster who was surprised people felt the need to announce their pregnancy. I disagree.

My previous post also said that I wanted to announce my pregnancy but reached out to my friend first because I knew she would be upset.

So whilst not perfect in some people’s eyes I do think about those close to me.

Its insensitive but you cant control other people's actions. To her it might have felt better than you just seeing a social media post or just sending you message.

Some people would prefer to be told face to face, others by messages and others not to be told at all.

If she has called you it suggests you are relativly close. I prefered my close friends to speak to me face to face following my stillbirth and miscarriages if they were announcing.

Thanks for all the responses, definitely makes me feel like I’m not being unreasonable. A message definitely would have been more appropriate. I’m not going to dwell on it, I know she didn’t mean any harm but I just wish people would be more thoughtful.

Your friend was insensitive but if you are close and you do not want to bring it up, then let it slide. But just make sure you put boundaries up if you need to. This might just be a one off and she might be more sensitive for the rest of the pregnancy. If she’s not, it’s ok to distance yourself or tell her to stop going on about her pregnancy to you.

Not everyone is the same. Personally, I had a miscarriage before I conceived DS and several friends had babies in the meantime. If people had treated me differently, I would have been offended. It would have been a reminder of the miscarriage when I just wanted to move on and be happy for my friends.

Also, people get carried away when they're pregnant. DH wanted to keep it to ourselves until the scan but ended up telling pretty much everyone by 9-10 weeks as we were SO over the moon.

So cut them some slack. They're not horrible people.

How are you both obviously delighted for her if you need privacy when reacting?

You can be happy for someone and sad for yourself at the same time.

I think your friend was really insensitive.

My friend very sadly never got a pregnancy to full term and it was very painful for her to see (as she described it) babies just popping out all over the place during the years when they were starting to lose hope. She had one small group of old school friends and they had an agreement that they always shared their news by sending a card so she had a chance to come to terms with it.

When I decided to try for a baby I asked her how she would like to tell me the news if I was successful. She said she'd prefer I told her face to face as she saw me most days and it would be weird to be second guessing. So I did it that way. I was dreading it but she was great, really seemed thrilled for me (I was older and had been through a traumatic experience). I did notice when I started to show and there was more pregnancy talk - acquaintances coming over to congratulate me and share stories - she backed away and avoided me. I was sad but I understood.

It's a horrendous thing to go through and I am very sorry for your loss OP.

I didn’t write the post you’re answering, but I did experience miscarriages.

And no, I didn’t expect my friends to treat me any differently about their pregnancies, didn’t resent them or want the news handling ‘sensitively’. I was also excited for them and liked seeing all their updates.

20-25% of pregnancies result in miscarriage. My stats are rather higher. But that’s how it goes.

Other people’s good news makes me happier, not more upset. If I couldn’t have a baby at a particular time, I was glad someone I care about could.

(I also had a recipient for my baby socks buying habit until I had a successful pregnancy myself.)

My god, I am so sorry.

Tell me you've never had to sit through a scan where you've been told your baby's stopped developing without telling me...

You can be happy that your mate is having a baby, but also 1) it can be quite upsetting because it's a reminder of what you don't have and don't seem to be able to have - so you need a bit of time to process your feelings before you can get to the point where you're genuinely happy for them, and 2) other people's scan photos of their lovely healthy babies can be really quite triggering when you've been in that situation tbh.

On reflection, I think that superstition was a large part of why I didn't tell anyone. I wasn't exactly thinking rationally.

But you're not going to randomly video call a recently divorced or widowed family member with your wedding photo in hand going "GREAT NEWS, I'm married! Being married is SO EXCITING", are you?''

I've family members with scan and baby photos up in their houses - that's fine. What's not fine is showing it to someone who's had a recent pregnancy loss in a one to one conversation, and then being surprised when instead of immediately being elated for you they go a bit quiet because they're reliving the scan where they were told their baby had died and trying not to cry.

Its not about resentment @JustinThyme or not being happy for a friend.It’s about being aware someone is coming to terms with their own loss.
Agree @SapphireOpal seeing a scan photo, out of the blue, could be triggering to someone who’s grieving.Personally l would only show the scan photo if my friend wanted to see it.

I'm not clear where in this scenario anyone was surprised at someone not being elated.

Most people don't relive being told anyone has died at a time when it's not remotely relevant.

Sure, @Lucy25 - I was replying to @KnittingKnewbie to say that, having experienced multiple miscarriages myself, I didn’t need treating differently. Not everyone who miscarries needs the same thing.

But then why assume someone is being resentful or not happy for their friend, that’s the point surely, we all deal with grief in different ways.

Most people don't relive being told anyone has died at a time when it's not remotely relevant.

have you ever had a missed miscarriage? I relived that moment over and over again, and other people’s pregnancy announcements and scan pics were definitely triggering.

I think a message would have been more appropriate. I am sure she was excited but it is insensitive to spring that on you.

If she is normally sensitive, I would put it down to her being excited and forgetful

Key bit here for you you’d have preferred a message.

Others in your position may have preferred never to have been told, been told before others so they hear direct, to be told face to face in person so can get physical contact, or be told over the phone as a message is impersonal.

Have a think through all your friends. Are you dead confident you know what topics could be difficult for each of them, and what the least bad way would be for you to share news relating to that topic with them? Probably not.

So cut your friend some slack. They almost certainly put some thought into it and tried to get it right. They didn’t, but they tried. People aren’t mind readers.

The position you’re in sucks. But getting angry at friends won’t make it any better.

Different take - my parents are dead. I dont begruge my friends celebrating mums/dads day. Just be happy for your friend and of what you have that others dont.