To think that people should be a bit more sensitive when announcing pregnancy

[SophieRules]

My ‘friend’ knows that I had a miscarriage recently but rang me out of the blue on video call and showed me an image of her 12 week scan to announce her pregnancy. I would have preferred a message. I am of course delighted for her but I think if someone has recently experienced baby loss it feels insensitive to be showing them picture of scans and to tell the face to face out of the blue. Please if you are in this situation and you know someone is struggling send them a message so they have a bit of privacy when reacting.

Of course it's important. It's a huge life changing event.

They can’t. But when it’s a close friend you should be able to follow that.

Im a little selfish at times but when I fell pregnant for the third time I made sure my friend who was ttc, gone through at least 3 miscarriages knew via messenger.

I’m sure I upset someone along the line because it’s an emotive subject. But I never did it knowingly.

You don't have to answer, but the fact that you don't mind, is it based on you never having had issues with pregnancy?
Or have you had issues with pregnancy and you still don't mind?

Unfortunately I think people who have had no issues getting or staying pregnant tend not to consider that it might be a sensitive issue.

Once it has happened to you, you are much more conscious that it may be a difficult topic.

In this case she really should have thought, seeing as she knew about your miscarriage. I guess she forgot 😕

Does your friend know that you are struggling, OP, and still upset about your own miscarriage ?

YANBU, if you're aware of someone close to you having experienced a loss it really doesn't take much effort to take that into account when deciding how to tell them.

And if you're in any doubt multiple baby loss charities provide advice on exactly this. I appreciate everyone reacts differently but the general consensus is that a message allows someone to process the news privately and in their own time before having to respond. Also, letting them know before announcing it on social media avoids them being taken by surprise.

Pregnancy announcements hurt after the loss of a baby and are unavoidable but if you are a close friend or family member a bit of sensitivity and consideration goes a long way.

Just wanted to say thanks for posting OP and sorry you're having such a a hard time. I think I would always be sensitive to this but because I know so many people who have had miscarriages and difficult pregnancies, but I do think it's really helpful to know how you would prefer things are handled - and to remind people when they get carried away.

I'm so so sorry this happened to you

Sorry - not sure why that's showing an angry face - meant to be flowers!

I'm sorry about your loss OP.

Despite people on these threads acting like it's an obvious simple answer, it isn't really. People have different responses to a situation like pregnancy loss and there isn't a one size fits all. When I lost a pregnancy in a particularly brutal way, a friend who I'd scheduled to visit her new born kindly and sensitively suggested we postpone. I was secretly hugely offended she'd even suggested it - other people's pregnancies, babies etc didn't bother me one jot, and I was annoyed she'd think I was that kind of person. Another person may have been hugely relieved and considered it really thoughtful.

Some people like to know in advance so they can process by themselves, others to be told in groups so the pressure is off them to respond appropriately immediately, some people like to be told by text, others find that rude and abrupt and cold.

I think everyone should do their best but I sometimes feel the expectation of empathy only goes one way in these threads (not you OP, I mean some of the responses they tend to get).

I think a good rule of thumb is to assume anyone but particularly women of childbearing age may be feeling sensitive about pregnancy announcements unless you know otherwise.

If you have definite reason to suspect it - and there's not much more definite than knowing about a recent miscarriage - then don't video call someone out of the blue, putting them on the spot to come up with a happy face.

Signed, someone who had a very easy time with TTC but also isn't a complete dick.

I have no experience of this but I understand it’s quite a common thing if MN is anything to go by. I guess people are just so excited and why shouldn’t they be? Of course your grief matters too but I don’t think it’s being insensitive. More thoughtless. Try to see it that she’s not intending to hurt you, she’s as much swept in the emotion of a life-changing event as you are.

It is a little sensitive but I don’t believe others should have to hide their own joy and excitement.

Only to that person.

It was a bit insensitive but I guess she was just excited and a message isn’t any less sensitive. I think a lot of women do get it sadly so should really think before acting.

A) no, not only to that person. B) even if it was, the fact it's important to your friend should mean it's important to you too.

Sorry for your loss.

The problem is that in that situation, I'd appreciate being told it by text/email. I can process it alone and offer calm congratulations at the level I feel capable of, when I feel up to it.

But on here I've seen people just as upset over getting a text in that situation and saying that's unfeeling. They would rather be told in person or by phone call if not possible.

And I've also seen people upset because they weren't told.

So I'm not sure you can win. Whichever method you choose you can upset someone, who feels you should have done it another way. And I'm not sure you would know which way you'd prefer until you were in that position.

If she's not normally insensitive, then put it down to one of those things that she did what she thought was best, but wasn't. Don't hold it against her, and assume she did it from the best of motives.

There's no need to go OTT with the announcement. It's really odd to be waving a scan photo at someone unsolicited

OP has said she's delighted for her friend.

It's pretty normal for someone who's recently had a loss to feel happy for their friend while also feeling sad that it's not them too. By video calling out of the blue, the friend put OP on the spot to only show one of those emotions on her face.

It's not an important event to OP though. She is not a close relative, she is a friend who has recently lost a baby. It would be difficult to hide her shock on a video call. It was a really insensitive way to break the news.

Honestly I think everyone is different. My friend went through several rounds of ivf and all failed, there's no hope she can have children without it and can't afford more. She had always told me that she didn't want me to hide any pregnancy from her or to be worried to tell her. Her sister hid a pregnancy from her till she was nearly 20 weeks and that hurt her more. Her sister also just text her and she found that hurtful too. It's extremely hard to get it right as everyone will differ so much in how they want the news delivered

I've never miscarried but I still know not to do something like that. Surely everyone knows you send a text and let the recipient process any pain it causes them in private, even if they are also happy for you. That was insensitive of her.

This. Don’t know why some people have to dramatise it - “Ta-da! I’m pregnant!”

Exactly! It's too much and I'm sure in the pre social media age it must have been much more tame.

Pre social a close relative media dropped over with a bag of sanitary towels and tampax as, innher words she didn't need them because she was pregnant
This was a week after my baby was stillborn.

I didn't fall out with her. I was very happy for her and her DH but it stung.