Christmas Tree argument with DH

[Thehonestbadger]

We have two small children 3&4 and our 4yo has severe learning disabilities, 2:1 care at a fully specialist school level of behaviour issues. 4yo is awful with Christmas trees, absoloutley destroys them every year despite being behind a large safety gate and tied to the walls.
Because of this I get a ‘throw away’ tree. A very light weight. I’m also very careful with money and DH knows this, I manage our finances and never spend much on myself.

So we went to a shop yesterday and I saw a good deal on a cheap lightweight little tree. DH heavily questioned me, had I looked elsewhere? Had I considered other prices? Would offers come on in the coming weeks (as though I have a crystal ball). He complained that it was a ‘lot to spend on a tree just for one year’ and then compared it to the cost of a real one (DH is still very unhappy we can no longer drag 8ft real trees back from the local farms for DS’s safety). I feel we are a constant source of disappointment to him. I suggested we just didn’t get a tree this year but no he said we had to have a ‘nice one’ it mattered to him! So after a good 20 minutes of debating and ‘convincing’ him and explaining he can’t expect a nice tree and be appalled at paying £40 for one, he reluctantly agreed I could buy it.

I got upset and left without it, then told him in no uncertain terms on the drive home how sick I am of everything being such a fight with him and always feeling like I’m trying to sell everything to him whilst falling about a mile short of what he wants or expects. For context, it was my Nana’s funeral yesterday and I’m first day of my period and poorly with it so yes I’m feeling miserable.

Hes barely spoken to me since we got home yesterday and thinks I’m completely in the wrong because ‘he’s allowed to have opinions’. He took himself off to bed and left me to it with both kids despite my feeling very unwell then made me feel even worse for waking him and asking him to help!

He sounds like a knob. I'm sorry about your nan x

YANBU at all. He is.
Sorry about your gran 💐

There is so much here in this post.

Firstly, the day of this conversation was your Nana's funeral, which is a huge deal. I'm sorry for your loss .

Your children also need lots of support.

Your DH is being unreasonable in how he's approached this topic and when he's done it.

I think no tree would be better for your family, it sounds so stressful, what's the point?

4yo is awful with Christmas trees, absoloutley destroys them every year despite being behind a large safety gate and tied to the walls.
Because of this I get a ‘throw away’ tree.

This is the crux of it. Why are you getting any tree at all? It's obviously upsetting to your DC and their needs should come above anyone's desire to have a tree, lightweight, real or otherwise.

That aside, your "D"H sounds like an arse. I wouldn't be with someone like that.

@verycloakanddaggers
thank you ❤️ the funeral was actually the day before this so Thursday, I explained it badly. Conversation was yesterday (Friday) and funeral was Thursday x

@WYorkshireRose
he LOVES them, he loves real trees too we always take him to Forrest’s and parks and he just is obsessed with them. He adored the Christmas tree it’s probably his favourite bit of Christmas but he will not leave it alone so literally ends up pulling apart and unwinding all the branches…etc I’ve accepted this and now as long as its safe for him and lightweight so can’t injury if it’s pulled over I accept this is what we get his DLa for and let him enjoy it! My 3yo is also so excited to do the tree.

Oh op, I am sorry. You saying “I feel like we are a constant source of disappointment to him” is really sad. It sounds like you both have an awful lot going on at the minute (this is no excuse for him being a controlling knob, which he clearly was. And him naffing off to bed and leaving you to do everything, when you are unwell and grieving is really shit of him). How much time are you getting together as a couple (I appreciate that probably isn’t easy to arrange). Would it be worth going to see someone together for some counselling to work out how to navigate all this?

We didn't have a Christmas tree for many years for identical reasons.

Your DH was being an arsehole but on a practical front one thing we have done before is bought a mini potted tree with outdoor lights for the garden.

Also, he needs to adjust his expectations to the reality of your life or everyone will be end up very stressed and upset. My DC are older and the way we do things at home looks very different to 'typical' families.

Next year leave DH in charge of the tree if he's going to be an arse about it.

Sorry about your nan xx

You both need to compromise, I also think a small potted real one in the garden. I do think throwing a fake tree away every year is a bit obscene though.

I have seen Xmas trees suspended from ceilings in corners of rooms like off a tv bracket

What about a small tree in your bedroom?

@lasagnelle

i said this yesterday. Told him I’m not running around last minute in a couple of weeks when places have sold out trying to get one and he can now be in charge of the tree.

He’s honestly acting as though I’m the biggest most unreasonable T*T alive, though he does have significant history being completely unable to see things from my point of view so no idea why I’m surprised

Why don't you try a small, live Conifer in a tub inside a dogcage (locked) that 4 year old can't reach.
The investment in the cage and lock could be liberating.

A second hand dog cage might be found on-line or at the local vet.

Otherwise, try decorating a real, large tree in your garden and having the gifts locked in a cage underneath.

Friends have a Xmas tree shape cut out of a wooden pallet - so very sturdy construction and reusable.

I often cut a small limb off a raggety old tree and throw it in the green waste after Christmas.

my usual question. What does he bring to the party?

I’m not going to sound good for this I know …but money. A fair amount of money tbh he’s a high earner and generally leaves me in charge of it all. I’ve done entitled to, I’ve crunched numbers, I couldn’t afford to leave him and stay in our home and it’s heavily specially adapted for DS and his needs. Moving him would be traumatic.

I can go spend £100 on Christmas presents or winter clothes for the kids and he wouldn’t even blink an eye but then days like yesterday he’ll latch on to something like the Christmas tree and it’s SUCH a battle and I don’t even understand why? He works such long hours that usually he’s just not there and I do what I like, but when he is there it’s like he wants to challenge me and make things harder sometimes.

Without sounding awful I often prefer when he’s at work (which is a lot of the time) because I know not to expect any help or support. We always fall out on his days off.

Why don't you try a small, live Conifer in a tub inside a dogcage (locked) This is not very festive!

@user1492757084

we have huge metal gates across 1/3 of the living room to stop DS getting to the TV/bookcase so it goes behind there. He just reaches his arms through and grabs branches. Thank you for the suggestion though xx

OK - I agree with the others that your husband is being a lot less than sensible/supportive here, and that it's obviously all worse because you're grieving your nana, and feeling generally awful.

My first thought would be to just let him deal with it - but we both know he'd go and get something inappropriate then when your DS destroyed it or got in a dangerous situation you'd be stressed, he'd yell and it would all go to hell then instead.

I realise that I'm doing exactly what I hate when other people do it to me - I just want commiseration, and they want to talk about solutions.. but..

Do you have patio doors? Could you put the tree outside so you still have a beautiful tree, but it's the other side of glass? Or would that cause more difficulty because the little one would try to escape the house to get to it?

I would definitely go for the hanging tree option, I actually rather like them myself but can think of no good reason to have one, especially as I have a bloody over priced over rated BH tree.

Ds has similar needs, we didn't manage with a tree for more than a year or 2. The bigger they get the more issues with furniture and the like unfortunately. We purchased a soft play sensory tree which he enjoyed for many years.

And having read your updates.. start getting a fund together - you sound like me 10 years ago, and the one thing that I wish I'd done, was start a savings account, and start stashing actual, physical cash for when I'd finally reached my limit and had to leave.

So he's in charge of earning the money, and you're in charge of spending it? He's entitled to his view on outgoings, even if you don't like it.

I'm very sympathetic. DH's personality is to argue with everything, especially when it's related to spending money. We have a SEN child too and private therapy is extortionate, but I feel it's a necessary cost. I have to fight my own DH on it as he has doubts it can help, but isn't able to offer any alternatives. It's exhausting that I can't discuss any aspect of it, even non financial discussions on DS, without him going off on the cost.

In the end I told him that I couldn't even speak to him about anything anymore because I am scared he will go into a black mood about money and I just kept everything to myself. (Things are tight but we're not going without.) I think that snapped him out of the cycle, and he's been much better recently, more open and approachable.

So can you speak to him about the more fundamental issue of how he is latching onto small issues, how it makes you feel, how it is impacting your marriage, what your SEN child need and how some costs are just unavoidable (if you really want a tree), and hopefully he can come around.

Incidentally can you get a secondhand but decent tree for DS so it is a bit lest wasteful? Or even a second tree - a live one for outside that is fenced off to enjoy, and a small one for inside to destroy.

Maybe your ds would like a jellycat tree!