Christmas Tree argument with DH

[Thehonestbadger]

We have two small children 3&4 and our 4yo has severe learning disabilities, 2:1 care at a fully specialist school level of behaviour issues. 4yo is awful with Christmas trees, absoloutley destroys them every year despite being behind a large safety gate and tied to the walls.
Because of this I get a ‘throw away’ tree. A very light weight. I’m also very careful with money and DH knows this, I manage our finances and never spend much on myself.

So we went to a shop yesterday and I saw a good deal on a cheap lightweight little tree. DH heavily questioned me, had I looked elsewhere? Had I considered other prices? Would offers come on in the coming weeks (as though I have a crystal ball). He complained that it was a ‘lot to spend on a tree just for one year’ and then compared it to the cost of a real one (DH is still very unhappy we can no longer drag 8ft real trees back from the local farms for DS’s safety). I feel we are a constant source of disappointment to him. I suggested we just didn’t get a tree this year but no he said we had to have a ‘nice one’ it mattered to him! So after a good 20 minutes of debating and ‘convincing’ him and explaining he can’t expect a nice tree and be appalled at paying £40 for one, he reluctantly agreed I could buy it.

I got upset and left without it, then told him in no uncertain terms on the drive home how sick I am of everything being such a fight with him and always feeling like I’m trying to sell everything to him whilst falling about a mile short of what he wants or expects. For context, it was my Nana’s funeral yesterday and I’m first day of my period and poorly with it so yes I’m feeling miserable.

Hes barely spoken to me since we got home yesterday and thinks I’m completely in the wrong because ‘he’s allowed to have opinions’. He took himself off to bed and left me to it with both kids despite my feeling very unwell then made me feel even worse for waking him and asking him to help!

Erm... no. You don't let everyone else miss out because of one child.

Why?

I do agree with this, it sounds incredibly difficult to have to have your lounge, normally a place of relaxation gated and fenced off every single day. I think even the most patient and loving parent would find this a strain and Christmas always has a way of making even the smallest problem seen huge. I have sympathy with you both, are you receiving all the help you can find with your child as it must put you both under huge pressure. I do understand the disappointment your husband must feel but it’s the same for both of you and the only way through it is together. You both need to feel valued, he obviously works hard to keep your family financially stable so I don’t agree with the posters making nasty comments about him.

https://www.bakerross.co.uk/giant-christmas-tree-felt-wall-hanging?&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping-decoration-craft-kits&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD4FDOUZlnT9M7VrePdWzBYAZbug1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIvdzdvYLPiQMVSJtQBh3tiy7YEAQYASABEgLNY_D_BwE

Hardly. Earning the money to keep the show on the road is hardly nothing and cones with its own stresses, especially if that's the only reason your wife is still with you.

YABVU

He’s allowed to have an opinion and I think it’s really harsh that you’re making him feel guilty for having a say about a big part of the family home.

How does him having a discussion about getting a cheaper one mean he’s disappointed in you?

If my DH wanted to spend £40 on something we were only going to use for 8 weeks max, then I would definitely be discussing whether we can get it cheaper or if there’s a better option.

I would hate my DH to shut my opinion down or make me feel bad for having a say on what we being into our home.

There are multiple trees available that you could have without having to throw it out (there are even ones that hang from the ceiling).
You could also get a real one to be put outside and have outdoor lights on.

This is a family tree and it should be a discussion between you both, not just your opinion.

I’m sure even posters are going to give their advice on what trees to get and so it’s normal for your DH to do the same.

We have an indoor tree and an outdoor tree. We literally bought a small pot one and planted it near the back door. It has grown a bit, but isnt massive. Every year we decorate it with outdoor lights and cheap baubles. Is this some thing you could do, so your partner gets his real tree?

Sounds like your better of without him
He's bringing you down .
I wonder what your children make of him

Sorry to hear about your gran.
Also sorry about how the conversation went with your DH about the tree.

Christmas trees are important to me too, and although your DH has been unreasonable, I can imagine how he must feel conflicted and sad at the prospect of never having a real tree again. Your child’s safety is the most important thing by a mile, but of course it’s hard, for both of you.

I wonder if there is anything that would help your family to feel a bit better about the tree situation. Do you have a garden? Is there a tree out there that you can decorate with lights and outdoor decorations, so you have more of the grand effect your DH is missing? I know a family who had an outdoor Christmas tree in a large pot, they decorated it year after year.

I hope you can come together and explore the difficult compromises that you each make due to your son’s needs, with compassion for one another x

It's not about £40 for a tree. It's about coming to terms with the fact that this is your life and it's going to be very different from the one he imagined and you have both worked hard for. I think you need some time together and he/you need/s someone to talk it through with.

Good luck with Christmas - some lovely ideas from other posters on here.

My eldest son ,used to wee on everything,it was his answer to any emotion..well that and a huge amount of violence
And that meant the Christmas tree as well.
So we went years without putting any lights on the tree ,but we still had a tree .
There was other children in the home,so not having a tree wasn't a possibility.
We had to have one of us with the son at all times ,which was very difficult for me when husband went to work ,I had 3 under 3 ,and the middle child was the one who weed everywhere...
But ,had my husband been making things more difficult,I'd of gone it alone ,if he's not going to work with you ,there's no point him Being there .the negative energy will put you down in to depression

Could you get his extra large beautifully decorated Christmas tree from the farm or whatever and put it outside in the garden. Have a couple of chairs outside and when the children have gone to sleep go outside with some wine. If he gets a little of what he likes he might not be so closed to what it costs to have what the family needs. Obviously the kids are banned from the garden for a month. Which surely would be ok to let him have a bit of something he cares about for a short time.

I really feel for you. My brother (33 years old now) is profoundly autistic. Over the years we’ve had to address the Christmas Tree issue and decorating for Christmas in different ways. When he was little we had a small fake tree which used to be put on a table so he couldn’t reach it. Then we moved on the a very substantial fake tree (with a very solid base), which was so big and wide and heavy he couldn’t pull it over, it would also get secured to the wall. It was 7ft so special decorations got put to the top and soft ones went further down within his reach. As he matured (he’s non verbal and mentally similar to 18 month old child), most years are easier, but not all. My parents now have a real tree. However some years they can’t put the delicate baubles on it, on a bad year my Mum did this with branches a few years ago. He couldn’t reach them but they were still out and on display ☺️. I apologise for the rough looking ceiling - this was mid renovation.

She's in charge of a lot more than that. She sounds like she does everything for the children, particularly her 4 year old with severe learning disabilities. He cares more about fulfilling his own Christmas tree needs than the safety of his disabled child.

This is about more than a Christmas tree. Have you both had counselling?

A pp suggested getting a real tree, cutting off the back branches, and shoving it against a wall. Find a way of securing the base really well, and make sure it's unreachable. Maybe trim a bit off the front branches too. Add extra panels to the back of the gate so little arms can't reach through.
Your DH is being a dick to go off and sulk but it sounds like he lets you get on with it for the most part. He wanted an input into this decision which is obviously important to him. If he works long hours, Christmas would be something he's really looking forward to.
My DH would also rather spend a bit more on something he really likes - he hates buying things that won't last. He also doesn't react well to having to make an on the spot decision.

What about this which could be places where the older child can't reach it?

Younger child would enjoy swing it.

https://www.homebase.co.uk/wooden-light-up-christmas-tree-sash-with-red-berries-hanging-room-decoration-battery-operated/12840048.html?switchcurrency=GBP&shippingcountry=GB&affil=thggps&affil=thgppc&gadsource=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD1twoe7xYCgD4-s1oRpo4klDL1GV&gclid=Cj0KCQiArby5BhCDARIsAIJvjIRoP8T18c3-Slq6HXgRzPejwlllyGT2gAC-mGf2LZ08IHrd34GB6LoaAkw1EALww_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

What about...

Ignore him, get your normal tree BUT try a distraction tree too? Get a small real tree with his own box of decorations to have on the other side of the captive tree? So he can be redirected to that one? There are varieties that have rounded needles & you could weight it so he can't move it around - like garden parasol bases full of water or concrete. Cut up lengths of tinsel so he can't throttle himself etc etc

Try that this year & if it works you could go for a real tree next year.

Obviously I do not know your son & if this is even possible but felt worth suggesting.

I wouldn't worry about the 'oh that's obscene' brigade, it's a drop in the ocean.

(also, your DH is being a dick & doesn't sound like he makes you happy at all. Did he ever?)

Tbh I’d be upset if my dh suggested spending £40 on a cheap plastic Christmas tree too.

You can buy small real ones for much less than that. Here £16 for 4-5 foot tree which is meant to be disposable.

Or something like This that you could dress up with fairy lights.

You both sound entrenched which is understandable because accommodating special needs children in a family is incredibly hard on both parents. (I know this from experience) Can you discuss other options with him and see if you can find something you’ll both be happy with?

It’s not obscene - OP is trying her best.

In that case could you be a bit more strategic? Make sure you're not doing things he can 'challenge you on' on his days off. For example, spend his days off doing day trips or going to the park. Make sure you are buying christmas trees when he's at work, or order it online, so it is there when he arrives home from work and the decision is made.

I’m always surprised at the number of dads who can’t deal with parenthood, and just let the women get on with it. It’s very unfair. My friend has a child with special needs and her husband can’t be left on his own with him” 🙄
Xmas means a lot to some people though doesn’t it. Could you have a little real tree somewhere for your husband eg kitchen, and then child proof decorations in the main living area? I’ve seen a lovely felt tree shape you put on the wall and toddlers can pull off and stick back on Velcro ornaments. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, and I love that you want to get a tree for your son because he loves them, you’re a lovely mum.

Your struggles sound very familiar, has your husband autism? I’m just wondering.

Im so sorry you are dealing with this.

When it comes to special needs, the environment goes out of the window I’m afraid. There’s nappies, medical supplies, straws! Wipes, constant washing and cleaning, particular foods, lack of time, breakages, equipment, you name it. People can only do their best.