Christmas Tree argument with DH

[Thehonestbadger]

We have two small children 3&4 and our 4yo has severe learning disabilities, 2:1 care at a fully specialist school level of behaviour issues. 4yo is awful with Christmas trees, absoloutley destroys them every year despite being behind a large safety gate and tied to the walls.
Because of this I get a ‘throw away’ tree. A very light weight. I’m also very careful with money and DH knows this, I manage our finances and never spend much on myself.

So we went to a shop yesterday and I saw a good deal on a cheap lightweight little tree. DH heavily questioned me, had I looked elsewhere? Had I considered other prices? Would offers come on in the coming weeks (as though I have a crystal ball). He complained that it was a ‘lot to spend on a tree just for one year’ and then compared it to the cost of a real one (DH is still very unhappy we can no longer drag 8ft real trees back from the local farms for DS’s safety). I feel we are a constant source of disappointment to him. I suggested we just didn’t get a tree this year but no he said we had to have a ‘nice one’ it mattered to him! So after a good 20 minutes of debating and ‘convincing’ him and explaining he can’t expect a nice tree and be appalled at paying £40 for one, he reluctantly agreed I could buy it.

I got upset and left without it, then told him in no uncertain terms on the drive home how sick I am of everything being such a fight with him and always feeling like I’m trying to sell everything to him whilst falling about a mile short of what he wants or expects. For context, it was my Nana’s funeral yesterday and I’m first day of my period and poorly with it so yes I’m feeling miserable.

Hes barely spoken to me since we got home yesterday and thinks I’m completely in the wrong because ‘he’s allowed to have opinions’. He took himself off to bed and left me to it with both kids despite my feeling very unwell then made me feel even worse for waking him and asking him to help!

Couldn't you have a big real tree outside and no tree inside? You could still decorate it and this could solve a lot of your problems.

I wonder if the tree is just a symbol about him wanting something ‘normal’ and grieving that you all can’t have that as a family because of DC’s needs? It can’t be a lot of fun having to compromise and think through every decision and a tree is to most families a joyful and inclusive thing and he mourns that?

That doesn’t excuse his behaviour and I’m sorry things aren’t easier for you both, but it sounds like you need a conversation about ways to find solutions like PP have suggested, rather than it turn into a miserable battleground?

I agree with you that having a real tree isn't worth it. You would spend your whole day sweeping up dropped pine needles and possibly removing them from your child's mouth if he's a chewer (yes I have a child with autism too).

I do sympathise with your husband to a degree as it's hard making the mental adjustment that you just can't do things the way other people do. Because we are the ones with them all day I think we accept this a lot faster than a partner who is at work most of the time and misses out on a chunk of the day to day reality.

I was really tempted not to do Christmas decorations for a bit when mine was younger as she became quite unsettled by the tree but I did get one anyway. Lightweight plastic and mainly soft cuddly decorations, you can get nice ones pretty cheap now. Honestly it would have been so much easier and less stressful just not to bother though. It sucks that even happy things become a massive chore.

We did buy a small real tree in a pot for the garden and put lights on it which was nice and might be a good compromise.

As others have suggested, real tree in the garden with lights that can be seen through the window. See if you can get one for inside from either freecycle or one of the charity shops. Loads around now. That way you’re offering a compromise and if your son breaks the indoor tree you haven’t spent a lot of money.

Not sure if this is helpful or not, but where I used to work we had to be careful about Xmas decs whilst also definitely needing Xmas decs… we had real foliage garlands rather than trees on the higher points in the building - tops
of shelves, doorframes, etc. It looked lovely and they were out of the way of destructive hands! The garlands were decorated with traditional tree decs. Obvs you can buy good fake foliage ones too, depending on preference, and those are endlessly reusable. We also had things hanging from the ceiling, but that might not be practical - we were lucky enough to have beams. I have a friend who has a wall hanging tree, I think called a ladder tree(?) for similar reasons to you, not sure if it might suit you? I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas OP! I think anything you can do to make it run more peacefully for you would be a good thing!

DH is being very awkward! In terms of cost though, I’d buy a tree for next year in the sales after Christmas? They’re only so expensive because it’s the run up. I know a few people who buy their decorations in January. £40+ is a lot to spend each year on something disposable, on that I agree.

When my eldest was very small (profoundly autistic and drawn like a moth to anything sparkly with lights that gets taken to bits) my dad created a Christmas branch. He found a branch, cut off the small twigs, sprayed in white and we put none breakable none twinkly ornaments up for Christmas. It was easier to secure to the wall too. The bonus was when the branch slowly broke into leaf in the warmth of the house. As he got older we could add simple white none flashing lights. Another option is to look for second hand trees in charity shops or Facebook marketplace and eBay.

He's a dickhead man child who flounced and punished you by going to bed and leaving you to parent because he had the hump. What a knob.

I got a felt tree for my kids. It might be something to consider.

I think realistically you know what's you need to get as you are the primary carer.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Flat-Felt-Christmas-Tree-Decorations/dp/B07WZY44MC/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?crid=2Q3656OQ7LLHT&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.SxeYB1YpeqsXDWaaEIxXSQgdFlPrzMofQpgPDU_LfES4iTx6y3dwjfyjCLc8YnnQ8vGmy4vjnvHBcxXMEJXGmVdmrin3Ns5OvMkoWJ7h_0wHBZo8oLEpRUJmPSFGnrXrsQkM9K4syaET7QJyxSYeiB-2_1p-bNFAlQcxlaD0f7k0HoFPSQH5s7sfP2N9BHYR-cQ-pELOzUXHrmU9G37rFQ.Ao6Ghx0hmQjItmY3ZT5zmhokihfoy1CFxPhJwqkbeJM&dib_tag=se&keywords=felt+christmas+tree+for+kids&nsdOptOutParam=true&qid=1731141953&sprefix=%2Caps%2C97&sr=8-4

I'm Team Jellycat Tree!

I've got a child with ADHD and ASD (I've been able to trust her with a tree since about age 6 I think) and I could really relate to a lot of your post.

When she was a toddler, I tried a lot of the solutions suggested on here: Xmas tree alternatives; lights on garden trees; teeny tree on a coffee table etc etc.

Now DH and I have not had a big row over the tree although I have issues with "disposable" plants so have accepted a fake one which we reuse every year.

I think your DH has some kind of emotional thing going on with the tree, probably going back to childhood. That's why he's being so unreasonable.

DH and I had a ridiculous and intense argument over a canteen of silver cutlery that we won in a raffle, rarely use and I wanted to donate to charity. Eventually it turned out he was attached as his family could never have afforded something like that when he was a child.

Was your DH poor as a child? Or does the tree/forest thing hark back to some idealised version of his childhood?

I'm sorry for your loss by the way.

Also I have read the whole thread but ASD etc is strongly heritable so DH is probably on the spectrum? Here our DD's diagnosis really did explicate a lot of puzzling things in our marriage!

Your DH sounds like he can be a bit of an arse and was having a grumpy moment/day.

My xH could be similar. probably best to go grey rock in that situation and just let him get over it!

I would imagine that he is desperately disappointed with how its all turned out. He's a high earner and presumably works long hours. He has a lovely wife and 2 small children. I expect you live somewhere nice. But that's all destroyed because you have a child with huge problems that impact on absolutely everything. The simplest of things ,being able to take his children to choose a tree, can never be a thing. Your child is young and physically manageable. That will not be the case in a few years. That's a bleak thing to look ahead to. A £40 tree is nothing. But it's not about the tree at all. It's about the huge scream constantly going on in both your heads over how it's turned out. A quiet life with a lovely tree twinkling in the corner is what most people expect to have in some form or other. Even with metal gates across the room that is still destroyed. I can absolutely understand why that's the final straw for him.

Tbh I think you just shouldn’t get a tree for a few years.
Ive seen some nice felt ones for on the wall and children can add the felt decorations

£40 is quite a lot for an artificial tree that's going to get destroyed.
Poundstretchers/Bargain Buys usually have basic ones for under £10.
Last year they had mini ones that were about £1 in different colours.
Poundland usually has small ones. I got one that was about 2 quid - I think it's about 50cm tall.
Get a selection in and you can replace them regularly.

I’m so sorry about your Nana.

Your husband needs to grow up and be more understanding of yours son’s needs.

Have you considered putting a real tree just outside your window, I know you would need the right setting for this,

my son and DIL did this last year with their puppy, it looked magical I wished I had taken better photos.

you could get one of those felt wall trees for him to play with indoors

But it’s his life. He needs to accept it and make the most of it. As parents we need to be prepared for all eventualities when we have children.

Having a child with additional needs can be very hard but there’s still joy to be found. Poor op seems to be carrying the weight of it all on her shoulders in any case.

With someone who penny pinches like this, it’s best to buy something when they’re not with you. He’ll only witter and rant if he’s in the shop, in the moment.
My DP is the same. He will never accept buying something then and there, there needs to be a long session where he goes on about looking elsewhere to get it cheaper.

It sounds like he might feel he doesn't have a lot of input in the family day to day life and when he's there he takes the opportunity to stamp his opinion on things.
He's going about it then wrong way and I'm betting he doesn't actually have self awareness about it and what's driving him, he's like a frustrated child out of touch with his own emotions.

It's hard though because obviously he's literally not there much day to day so why would he have input!
Does he do any childcare, life admin etc?
Do you get to have time away from the kids by yourself?

It's no excuse for treating you like that, he needs to sort himself out.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

Maybe it's not really about the tree. Maybe he's feeling angry and frustrated about having a child with such extensive additional needs that lovely family Christmas traditions can't be enjoyed in a normal way. It's a lot to handle - are you both getting enough support?

I was completely with you until you mentioned the money, I understand staying because of it and would do the same in your position but it does sound like he has very little say in how you spend the money he earns.

Are you married to my husband?

Oh give over.

Agree with the last couple of posters. This isn't about the tree. This is about his anger and disappointment at having a child with profound additional needs. I'm betting he's never worked through this with a counsellor and spending his home life sulking in bed is the outcome. I can see him just opting out and leaving eventually if he doesn't address this.

OP, have you considered getting an outside Christmas tree? you can get some gorgeous real trees in big pots and you could dress it with lovely lights and put it somewhere you could see at the front / even at the back of the house. DC could see it through the window but can’t touch or destroy it. If you have space, maybe consider planting a Christmas tree as a family someone prominent and dressing it with big lights every year as a new tradition instead of an indoor one.

So sorry for the loss of your nan.
This might have been mentioned but does he have a home office/spare room that he can have a real tree in that's a space the kids can't get to?