Christmas Tree argument with DH

[Thehonestbadger]

We have two small children 3&4 and our 4yo has severe learning disabilities, 2:1 care at a fully specialist school level of behaviour issues. 4yo is awful with Christmas trees, absoloutley destroys them every year despite being behind a large safety gate and tied to the walls.
Because of this I get a ‘throw away’ tree. A very light weight. I’m also very careful with money and DH knows this, I manage our finances and never spend much on myself.

So we went to a shop yesterday and I saw a good deal on a cheap lightweight little tree. DH heavily questioned me, had I looked elsewhere? Had I considered other prices? Would offers come on in the coming weeks (as though I have a crystal ball). He complained that it was a ‘lot to spend on a tree just for one year’ and then compared it to the cost of a real one (DH is still very unhappy we can no longer drag 8ft real trees back from the local farms for DS’s safety). I feel we are a constant source of disappointment to him. I suggested we just didn’t get a tree this year but no he said we had to have a ‘nice one’ it mattered to him! So after a good 20 minutes of debating and ‘convincing’ him and explaining he can’t expect a nice tree and be appalled at paying £40 for one, he reluctantly agreed I could buy it.

I got upset and left without it, then told him in no uncertain terms on the drive home how sick I am of everything being such a fight with him and always feeling like I’m trying to sell everything to him whilst falling about a mile short of what he wants or expects. For context, it was my Nana’s funeral yesterday and I’m first day of my period and poorly with it so yes I’m feeling miserable.

Hes barely spoken to me since we got home yesterday and thinks I’m completely in the wrong because ‘he’s allowed to have opinions’. He took himself off to bed and left me to it with both kids despite my feeling very unwell then made me feel even worse for waking him and asking him to help!

All other issues aside, you can get a perfectly good one from b&m for £15 so yes, YABU. That's too much.

What a miserable relationship OP. And you're worried about a Christmas tree?

Can't you get wall mounted Xmas trees that your children can't reach? Or a small one on a high shelf?

I wouldn't be throwing one away every year as it's really un-eco!

Or this child friendly one from Step 2 I think

Pull the tv and bookcase forward so he can’t actually reach the tree?

When I was a child/teen there were three kids at home, a frail grandparent and a large clumsy dog. We solved the problem by having a garland - sort of like a chandelier that hung from the ceiling, well out of the way of under 6's (small brother) granny and Labrador. I think the original design used coat hangers and was made on Blue Peter.

It suited my mum who found Christmas extremely hard work as there was less mess.

If people haven't lived this situation, they can't understand it. Constantly feeling like a disappointment, reliance more on "tradition" than what works for your family in the here and now. I'm sure he wishes he'd chosen differently, I certainly do. But as the primary caregivers we're stuck, aren't we? We have to be pragmatic for our children.

he shouldn’t be nitpicking your solution if he isn’t willing to do the research himself.

I cant help offering an alternative though

We did up our tree with entirely child safe ornaments when our ASD dd was that age. She didn’t bother the tree, but the ornaments were a nightmare.

for your family I would get 2 trees.

i would do a felt tree tacked to a wall with felt ornaments or a stuffed tree that the children can play as they wish. I personally like the felt trees better as they are bigger.

i used to live in a very small house with no space for a tree. It did have a built in sideboard though. So I got 3 tiny trees that were tall and spindly and put them on the sideboard. I decorated those very nicely and since I had multiple I had plenty of surface area Putting the trees up on something would keep them away from the children. Add in the tree they are allowed to play with and everyone might be calmer.

This is exactly it! Although I’m actually pleasantly surprised at how many people commented on this who have had lovely and helpful suggestions and input. I didn’t expect as many ‘I also have a child with SEN’ type comments and that’s been nice as I always read those in a different light. It’s a club you can’t understand unless you’re in it. That’s why I’ll post being like ‘do you think I was unreasonable in this specific situation’ but wouldn’t bother asking about my overall relationship or what I should do as I really have realised that people without SEN high needs small children cannot understand the mindset.

I look at the ‘don’t you want more for yourself?’ Kind of comments and I’m like DUDE YES but unless I leave my DS with my DH when I skip off into the sunset then I’m not bloody gonna get it. Considering leaving a spouse who isn’t abusive, provides all your needs well and co parents as and when they can but who you just struggle to get on with anymore and the marriage has dwindled, is like standing on one side of a lake and starring and the green green grass on the other, just as you’re about the jump you remember you’ve got to carry your kids on your back… ok maybe you can make it still it’ll be hard but… then you remember the 35kg metal chain that is your SEN child’s enormous list of needs and requirements to ensure their health and regulation… and then you realise they don’t like green grass like you do and will probably be miserable on the other side of the lake anyway even if you do miraculously make it across. So you just stay on your side of the lake accepting that this is what’s best for them.

It’s not sad or pathetic when mums stay in situations like this feeling unfulfilled, it feels selfless tbh because I’m putting their (his) needs over my own. That being said it’s so isolating sometimes that I can loose perspective on whether I’m actually being unreasonable or not in a conversation or specific situation and that’s what MN and sites like it are good for, a bit of clarity on whether it’s me in the wrong.

Well said. Solidarity...

It's amazing how people think you can just up and leave!

You sound so sad OP and that's not good for you or your DC (or your DH tbh).
I'm a bit confused though as it sounds like he agreed to get the tree, you said no and then said you didn't want to run round last minute getting a tree, so why didn't you pick it up?
Aside from that though it sounds like there are much bigger problems. You say you can't afford to leave are you getting everything you're entitled to, like carer's allowance? Does your son get DLA? If you split up you would get mantinence from your him surely and could be entitled to Universal credit.? If your DH really does love the kids as much as you say, would he keep paying the mortgage so you could stay there.
Of course it's up to you if you want to stay but the way you feel it sounds like your life would be better without him.

Can you not getting a little tree for your child's room and maybe but a tree that doesn't need decorations for every year a light up one. Or vice versa

I'm sorry for your loss and your life is hard but remember nobody is perfect and it probably hit you harder as you are grieving and feeling unwell, at the end of the day you do what you think is best for your DC and yourself.

Could your husband be on the spectrum at all?

https://images.app.goo.gl/ymicGGTVp6oeRS3fA

maybe something extra cheap and disposable like this ?

your husband sound like a selfish insensitive p*g .

What is a throw away tree?
for years I had a fake tree , kept in the loft
it after 20 years became scruffy ,could afford or bring myself to buy another, land fill in waiting thing !!
now I just cut a couple of branches and decorate them , then put them in the compost!

@Mrsgreen100 the OP clearly means an artificial tree which probably would be kept for years if her little boy didn't destroy them.

Maybe I’m in the minority but I don’t see how going it alone with two very small children, one (?) with profound special needs, would make her situation any easier. It would surely mean 24/7 care alone and financial issues. If it’s possible to get child minding maybe some couples therapy and/or time together might help or at least clear the lines of communication. It must be very hard.

This OP.
In his shoes I would be having very dark thoughts - and these can especially come up this time of the year.

Well I think if her husband has autism too, then this information is key to dealing with the situation.

Our neighbours have a son who has severe autism. They have tree planted in the garden that they decorate. Can you do something like that instead? Lots of places do trees you can grow.

The only people who say he does are posters who’ve diagnosed him on the basis of the OP’s limited information about him.

I think you expressed that perfectly!