Christmas Tree argument with DH

[Thehonestbadger]

We have two small children 3&4 and our 4yo has severe learning disabilities, 2:1 care at a fully specialist school level of behaviour issues. 4yo is awful with Christmas trees, absoloutley destroys them every year despite being behind a large safety gate and tied to the walls.
Because of this I get a ‘throw away’ tree. A very light weight. I’m also very careful with money and DH knows this, I manage our finances and never spend much on myself.

So we went to a shop yesterday and I saw a good deal on a cheap lightweight little tree. DH heavily questioned me, had I looked elsewhere? Had I considered other prices? Would offers come on in the coming weeks (as though I have a crystal ball). He complained that it was a ‘lot to spend on a tree just for one year’ and then compared it to the cost of a real one (DH is still very unhappy we can no longer drag 8ft real trees back from the local farms for DS’s safety). I feel we are a constant source of disappointment to him. I suggested we just didn’t get a tree this year but no he said we had to have a ‘nice one’ it mattered to him! So after a good 20 minutes of debating and ‘convincing’ him and explaining he can’t expect a nice tree and be appalled at paying £40 for one, he reluctantly agreed I could buy it.

I got upset and left without it, then told him in no uncertain terms on the drive home how sick I am of everything being such a fight with him and always feeling like I’m trying to sell everything to him whilst falling about a mile short of what he wants or expects. For context, it was my Nana’s funeral yesterday and I’m first day of my period and poorly with it so yes I’m feeling miserable.

Hes barely spoken to me since we got home yesterday and thinks I’m completely in the wrong because ‘he’s allowed to have opinions’. He took himself off to bed and left me to it with both kids despite my feeling very unwell then made me feel even worse for waking him and asking him to help!

Love this!

It sounds like things are really hard for you so I just wanted to send hugs.

Ok. Deep breath. Living with two under fours, one with severe learning difficulties is challenging on any marriage. Add in Christmas and a funeral and you have the perfect flashpoint.

Fwiw, I agree with you. Your little one adores the tree. This was a relatively safe and cheap one and you could have got on and ticked that off your list knowing that it would make your dcs happy.

But, this is about more than a tree. It's about how you and your DH work together and support each other. Christmas brings out irrational hopes and behaviours in most of us. Only you can say whether your dh's behaviour is a symptom of him being controlling and unreasonable, or a symptom of stress which has built up and is out of character. Try to take the bigger picture and look at your life together. Are you working as a team and supporting each other, or have you fallen into an unhealthy pattern of you, the wife, carrying too much of the load of caring, and making decisions day to day and your DH being a bit of a passenger in the ride rather than a copilot, sharing the load?

Arguments are shit, but they do give an opportunity for a head wobble/ chance to reflect on how you are both coping, how you communicate and why dh thinks it's ok to go off to bed and leave you to cope. (My DH would do the same, by the way, occasionally. It's his way of shutting down a situation when he's overstressed and overwrought before it gets worse. But we know that and, once the situation has blown over, can talk about it.)

If you can afford counseling for the pair of you, it could be helpful in putting the focus in the bigger picture and how you avoid small questions tipping over into bigger arguments. (It would be cheaper just to buy the tree,vof course!!)

Xx Best of luck

Awwwww

I was exhausted reading your post. You need someone with you on ur side getting thru, supporting each other checking in having each others back. That’s what ur children need too. Theres a reason u prefer your OH at work.

Stick to it. Next year he's in charge of the tree. Kill him with kindness.. there's no point me rushing out and buying the first tree at a reasonable price - you always put so much more research in.

Bet you end up with no tree. But you have to hold firm here

If you keep a cash cow, you have to expect it to moo sometimes.

Sorry for the loss of your Nan. Could you have a real tree which is planted in the garden?
Or one in your bedroom

Clearly the conversation about trees wasn’t conducted in a productive way, and leaving you to deal with the kids and go to bed was a childish reaction but I actually wonder if you’ve considered that your husbands view is coming from a place of loss, of grief. It sounds like he has an image in his mind about what a Christmas tree is, probably connected to how it was in his family, or what he imagined the act of choosing and decorating a tree would be when he was a father. And he can’t do that now. I’d be pretty gutted too.

by the sounds of it, you weren’t on a Christmas tree shopping trip, you just happened to see one. This didn’t give him a chance to mentally prepare for the concept.
something that would trigger disappointment and sadness. I think, given that you realise that your husband has a longing for a different type of tree experience it would have been kinder to have given him some forewarning- not least so he could get his mind prepared.
he probably knows that the tree you were suggesting is the right thing, but you caught him by surprise.

it sounds like you are more pragmatic, and more adjusted to your reality.
and have found a way to deal with your new reality in this respect, and that’s wonderful.
I think that’s why it’s hard for you to acknowledge his sadness.

obviously he needs to come to the same acceptance, but I think it’s possible that you blindsided him a bit by wanting to pick up a tree without any forewarning.

I wonder if the issue here is not the cost, but the sadness of not having a real tree. It's not something that bothers me, but I can see how for someone who prefers Xmas a specific way (in this case having a real tree - the scent, the ritual of sweeping up the leaves etc makes it feel extra Xmassy for him) this might make them feel a bit sad (on top of the expected feeling a bit sad that you have to make adaptations due to a child's SEN) and maybe he is thinking that he never objects when you spend money usually, it's just this one thing that he wanted thathe can't have. I'm not saying that you should give in on this, as clearly with your child's SEN, you have found something that works for your family overall, but it might not be unreasonable for him to be a bit sad about it. It's also a time when you are feeling sad yourself due to your nan's funeral (I was relieved to hear that it wasn't actually the DAY of the funeral), and so you've both been ina state of higher emotion and had an argument.

Unless there is a lot more drip feeding about unreasonable behaviour, hopefully you can both have a chat about this later and work things out.

Yep, his job next year. In the very nicest way.

I think @MumonabikeE5’s post is really insightful.

I also just want to give you a huge hug and hand you a cuppa and a wodge of cake, @Thehonestbadger. You have it HARD, especially at the moment.

ps I’ve owned my raggedy Christmas tree for donkeys years. You can have my environment credits GLADLY to throw at anyone else suggesting a disposable tree is a failure on your part. You are not parenting in normal circumstances x

Celebrities and politicians flying around in private jets at the drop of the had is obscene. One small tree to bring some joy to kids who have it tough is not obscene.

It sounds to me like he’s just not allowed to have a different opinion to you. Neither of you are right or wrong, you just disagree. At 4 year’s old, the most trees you’ve had to throw away since he was born can only be 2, when your DS was 2 and 3.
Buying fake trees with the sole intention of throwing it away isn’t great - and I’d argue that a real tree can only do as much damage as a fake one. Buy a real one, cut the back branches off so it can sit flat against a wall.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Thinking purely about practical solutions to the tree being pulled over, and not addressing the upset and stress around the tree…

As well as securing the tree to the wall, is there a way to secure it to the ceiling as well? Unless the tree breaks at the point that the ceiling fixing is attached to to the tree, I can’t see how it can be pulled over. The point of attachment could be quite far down the trunk where it is highly unlikely to be breakable, with the cables hidden by the rest of the foliage going up the tree. It could even have a few anchor points tied at various points down the trunk. If ceilings are strong enough to support things like chandeliers, this should work.

If your husband is so set on a real tree, could he look into how to achieve this?

I’ve attached a very poor diagram.

Have you considered getting a small real tree in a pot that could go on a counter/hgher surface? It could be planted (or kept in its pot) outside after xmas but would give H the real xmas feel/smell and be resusable, so sustainable and cost effective?. The tree also has a year to recover in the garden for next year if it is attacked by 4yo? It could last a few years before needing to go on the floor or switching up to a new smaller tree plus, by 7yo, your DC may be better able to look after a tree?

I wouldn't bother getting one. He won't miss what's not there

Voice of reason!

Another misogynist bloke. Just what we need. You’re misrepresenting what the OP said for your own nasty little ends and you know it.

He needs to behave like an adult and not take his frustrations out in his wife and family.

Sadness 🙄

That will take some explaining if they ever sell the house but yes - good idea for OP's husband to think about

I think this is the best suggest. Fake throwaway trees are such a waste not just financially.

Sorry - can’t see how to edit my post.

just chatted to my husband who was a civil engineer. He asked whether the tree was in the corner of the room, with an anchor point to each of the perpendicular walls (so the tethers come away from the tree at 90 degrees to each other).

He says that if so, if the tethers are strong enough, the tree might be able to tip back towards the wall, if tugged at the bottom, but it cannot fall forward onto your child.

Apologies if that’s exactly what you have tried before and this is obvious to you.

Turn a spare room into a Christmas rim that the four year old isn't allowed in. Why should your husband and the younger child miss out on having a tree?

Saying that though, he shouldn't badger you about the cost like that as that's just nasty.