Christmas Tree argument with DH

[Thehonestbadger]

We have two small children 3&4 and our 4yo has severe learning disabilities, 2:1 care at a fully specialist school level of behaviour issues. 4yo is awful with Christmas trees, absoloutley destroys them every year despite being behind a large safety gate and tied to the walls.
Because of this I get a ‘throw away’ tree. A very light weight. I’m also very careful with money and DH knows this, I manage our finances and never spend much on myself.

So we went to a shop yesterday and I saw a good deal on a cheap lightweight little tree. DH heavily questioned me, had I looked elsewhere? Had I considered other prices? Would offers come on in the coming weeks (as though I have a crystal ball). He complained that it was a ‘lot to spend on a tree just for one year’ and then compared it to the cost of a real one (DH is still very unhappy we can no longer drag 8ft real trees back from the local farms for DS’s safety). I feel we are a constant source of disappointment to him. I suggested we just didn’t get a tree this year but no he said we had to have a ‘nice one’ it mattered to him! So after a good 20 minutes of debating and ‘convincing’ him and explaining he can’t expect a nice tree and be appalled at paying £40 for one, he reluctantly agreed I could buy it.

I got upset and left without it, then told him in no uncertain terms on the drive home how sick I am of everything being such a fight with him and always feeling like I’m trying to sell everything to him whilst falling about a mile short of what he wants or expects. For context, it was my Nana’s funeral yesterday and I’m first day of my period and poorly with it so yes I’m feeling miserable.

Hes barely spoken to me since we got home yesterday and thinks I’m completely in the wrong because ‘he’s allowed to have opinions’. He took himself off to bed and left me to it with both kids despite my feeling very unwell then made me feel even worse for waking him and asking him to help!

Another suggestion, if you think it is safe to do this and can put up with the chaos that will result, is to suggest to your DH that since you have always done the Christmas tree your way recently that you do it his way this year. He chooses the tree, he put it up, he decorates it, (he clears up the mess, he deals with the breakages, he manages the chaos). He is responsible for it all this year so he can have exactly what he wants, but it is his responsibility entirely, including anything that happens because of your child's learning disabilities.

Very important to phrase this as something that you are suggesting because you know you have 'got your own way' previously so you think you ought to be fair and let him have what he wants for a change. You are being nice!

Either it will work, or you have to put up with utter chaos this year and there won't be a peep out of him for all your future Christmases.

It does sound awful when you say that what he brings is … money, how would that make him feel if he read that.
I think it says a lot more about you, than this thread says about him.
That is not a nice thing to say at all, do you love him?

OP my DS is autistic and until last year he was a right bugger for destroying trees.

Can I recommend a felt wall tree with command strips to attach it, the kids can stick the felt baubles on and off as their heart desires. It can be rolled up and stored for future use. It might be dragged off the wall and it doesn't fill a space quite like a normal Christmas tree but when you've got SEN children and safety is the most important we have found this to be a rather stress free alternative.

I would just leave it up to him, it'll be interesting if nothing else.

Can't you get a couple of those little ones that aldi sell in tin pots by the till?

I don’t think OP sounds like a very nice person at all.
Perhaps she isn’t usually like this and it’s her emotions at play.

I hope so anyway as that’s no way to speak about the person you’re meant to love, especially if they are funding your lifestyle.

I would hate it if my DH was only with me for my money and would rather that I wasn’t at home or involved with the family or i wasn’t allowed a say over what Xmas tree we have.

It’s not often that I feel sorry for the men on these threads but I do feel sorry for this DH.

I thought that too

See I think this is unfair because I’m very clear it’s not for my financial gain but the children’s with specific focus on my disabled son for whom not having the financial security his father offers would be extremely distressing and impractical. I think most mums in my situation would think the exact same way. MN is always warning of the perils of men refusing to financially pull their weight post divorce and children being left not receiving the support they should. I think it’s understandable (especially with my having to leave work to care for DS) that I am very very wary of this!

The situation with the Christmas tree and the way DH behaved is not by any means a one off. We do always seem to fall out on his days off because he’s naturally very problematic and seems to pick at the smallest things that I then feel bad about. Nothing is ever easy or straight forward. I do love him but he knows full well that our relationship to this point has been extremely strained. He knows how lonely and fed up I have been and he knows that his financial stability is a big factor in our reliance upon him, he would not be shocked.

He’s a very good dad when he’s around but he’s not a great husband and makes me feel, albeit he says it’s unintentional, like we are a constant source of disappointment and inconvenience to him. I’m not sure we’ve had an actual conversation without children around in several months and I can count on one hand how many times we’ve fully been out or done anything alone as ‘quality time’ since the kids were born, between his insane working and the nightmare of trying to sort childcare for such a big mix of needs between our two.

I think if you asked DH what I brought to the relationship his answer would be ‘childcare and house management’ and I wonder if you’d be as appalled by that and think that made him as villainous as me saying ‘money’

If you back these with some 1" square mesh (you can cable tie it on) that will stop the grabbing through the bars.

Can you have a real tree in a pot, outside, fully decorated, and a smaller safe option inside?

I wonder if when he starts this nitpicking and argumentative behaviour you state a fact such as "they way you are talking about this is upsetting me so let's leave it now" Later you can explain (again) how belittling you found it etc.

I think the crux is changing how you respond to his comments/behaviour. You will feel less exhausted by it etc.

As a Christmas Tree is clearly such a huge deal to him that will reoccur every year ask him for suggestions and solutions. You make yours and let him decide and sort it every year.

@Lickthips
that’s an amazing idea I can’t believe I never thought to mesh the gates! Thank you!

@RandomMess
yes I fully agree it’s how we react to each other and especially how I react to him that causes the massive row. I will be more mindful, I think I just was so not in the headspace for it yesterday I snapped back.

I don't blame you, you are an exhausted parent and having the headspace to deal with him being "an arse" is a lot!

Do you have the finances to invest in trying to find weekend babysitters for the DC, even just a couple of hours? I was wondering whether a pair of nursery workers or similar?

It's really difficult that you never get time just the 2 of you even if it's just for brunch.

I would never seek permission from my husband to buy something. He trusts that I've done my research and we have the money available. Next time, leave him at home with the kids.

I imagine he picked a fight about the Christmas tree just to pick a fight. If he's disappointed with the way his life has turned out and believes he is working very hard and still hasn't got what he would want (in life, not just Christmas trees) then he's probably resentful, blaming you, and is taking that out on you with petty obstructions. The Christmas tree being unsatisfactory for the money seems a metaphor for how he sees his life. I'm sorry OP. I'm not sure what can be done here as this is very much him not you. And if you can't leave, it looks like something you're going to have to put up with until you can.

Why not get a tree from a charity shop they are quite easy to get. It’s already been used then you wouldn’t feel guilty about throwing it away and the charity benefits

I think you and your DH need to talk properly about the disappointment and impact your DC needs have on the life you have versus the one you imagined.

Done in the right way it's healthy to vocalise intense feelings, wishes, desires and thoughts.

It's shit that he can't have the tree tradition he wants and shitty he picked a fight with you about it.

See I think this is unfair because I’m very clear it’s not for my financial gain but the children’s with specific focus on my disabled son for whom not having the financial security his father offers would be extremely distressing and impractical. I think most mums in my situation would think the exact same way. MN is always warning of the perils of men refusing to financially pull their weight post divorce and children being left not receiving the support they should. I think it’s understandable (especially with my having to leave work to care for DS) that I am very very wary of this!

It may not be for your financial gain but it is your financial security. Neither of you are in the wrong here and I think you both would benefit from counselling and some time together without children. If he’s a high earner then there will be funds to support some appropriate childcare.

I think posters who've said the OP is in the wrong for prioritising financial security and making digs about expecting a cash cow to occasionally moo, are being unfair - she is the mother of a child with special needs. She can't just go back to work - childcare will be very difficult, if not impossible to get! And we all know that men can leave families with no consequences for them! They get to keep the money and bail out of their share of childcare responsibility!

They've agreed that she will be the primary carer for their dc - imo he doesn't get to criticise the choices she makes around spending money for the benefit of the family. He's got the easier deal!

OP, I have a small potted Christmas tree in my garden - I've put it in a really heavy planter - fake force winds couldn't pull it over! Maybe something like that would work indoors if you had help getting it in and out of the house after Christmas. You'd get to enjoy it as a permanent fixture in the garden after and could decorate it seasonally outside. Your DS might enjoy that.

So neither of you actually like each other.
You’re just using each other for money or childcare.

Is this going to be your lives now?
Just plodding along, both very unhappy.

I don’t doubt that there are many relationships like this but it just makes me sad when people don’t want more for themselves.

I guess when the DC are older it will be easier for you both to make a long term plan.

It’s a shame that it’s come to a big argument and resentment rather than a reasonable discussion. But I would be horrified at the thought of buying and throwing away a tree every year. Not only for the environment/waste factor but it’s such a waste of money etc.

I would have a discussion with your husband about what you do moving forward. How about a half Christmas tree? Totally flat on one side, and can be attached (possibly high up) to the wall? Can still have lights and decorations, but also kept away from your DC, whilst allowing them the enjoyment of seeing it

I was just going to say the same thing @Wonderi
OP I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like bringing up a child with the problems that your son has, but it just all sounds so empty and contractual, living together with no real loving relationship and staying together because you need his financial input, which he obviously knows and probably inwardly resents. Is it not possible to ring fence an area of your home where you and your husband can actually relax and just be together, your description of your lounge sounds very inhibiting, could it be divided so there’s a separate space just for you two to spend a few hours alone. You sound as if you need to find a little bit of each other that’s been lost along the way, I doubt that either of you are actually happy at the moment.

I bet they both do want more for themselves. What's the solution, would you say?

Does your husband have autism?

Everyone’s situation is different but I would look into how it would work separating.

It may be next year when the DCs are both in school.

They could decide between them whether OP works more and DH works less, so they can do more 50/50 or if OP works less but has the DC more and DH can contribute financially more.

OP can then have the tree she wants and DH can have the tree he wants and there doesn’t need to be arguments over such trivial things.

I can see DH ending things one day anyway because most people wouldn’t want to live like this.
I would rather make a plan and work out a fair way to do things beforehand, so OP doesn’t get left high and dry.