to not let neighbour use my shower!

[NavyOrca]

Next door neighbour messaged me earlier. Her shower has broken and she can’t get anyone to come out and fix it until the week after next. She asked if she could ‘pop in’ to use ours every other day.

I don’t want her to! I’ve got most of next week off work and plan to be at home a lot, doing not much at all, after a crazy busy time lately. I don’t want to worry about somebody coming to have a shower!

For context - I get on with her absolutely fine. We chat now and again and have walked our dogs together a few times in the past.. wouldn’t say we are especially close though.

AIBU to say no to this request? I know that she moved to the area for work and none of her family/friends are around here. So I might be her only option and I do feel bad about this.

A while ago now, half the county had either no water or no electricity ( 2010 and Northern Ireland ) for days - in my case a week. I was so very grateful that a lass I knew from the pub said she had a back boiler so hot water and to come up and shower

I have never been so grateful for anything in my life. I was washing in cold but my hair??

OP, I appreciate that it all feels icky to you, it would me as well, till Ive now been in that situation where I need to be clean and fresh faced for work and needed a helping hand

If you possibly could, say yes but on your terms. Between the hour of and its only a three minute shower?

I'd do this personally if it was a neighbour I got on with, but I would ask for a specific time of day to ensure it was less intrusive.

I would definitely prefer to use my own sink than go into a neighbour's shower. I'd also shower at work / gym / pool.

My neighbours are lovely, so I would let them use my shower if they asked, but you are perfectly within your rights to say no. If your neighbour has water, electricity and a functioning drain, she can get clean with a kettle of hot water, a jug and a sponge.

It's only her shower, presumably she has hot water.

When our boiler broke down my neighbours offered their showers.
But they are NICE.
What goes round and all that.......

Honestly you really can strip wash very thoroughly if you stand on a towel using a stack of wash cloths that fit over your hand, using three or four lathered up well with an anti-bacterial body wash for separate areas of the body and wash vigorously in a detailed way, then use three or four to rinse properly. Then wash hair in sink. And soak feet in a bowl. And dry yourself.

It’s time-consuming and laborious and a bit chilly but not too bad with hot water. We often did this when we were students travelling around Europe staying in very basic hostels or camp sites and it was fine!

We’ve only had hot showers as a standard bathroom fitment in the past fifty years or so. Before that people had weekly baths and stripped washed at the sink.

She asked, it's okay to say no if you don't want to say yes. But I don't think she was wrong to ask. This will ruin AIBU for you because it explains why people take opposing views on these situations but I think it's really helpful: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-guesser

Her asking isn't the same as her feeling entitled to a yes. She probably expects you to say no if you don't want to do it and is unaware of the stress you are feeling about it.

I would recommend considering helping her out because good things can come of it. I have developed a close friendship with a neighbour because she had the courage to ask for help shortly after she moved in and it has been lovely to have someone nearby who I can rely on and we regularly help each other out.

But if you are going to resent her for it then don't. Choose guilt of turning her down over resenting her for a choice you made.

Tough one

I had a neighbor like this

We were friendly but she was always asking for odd things: can we use your garage to fit a windscreen? Her house went up for sale, she wanted to come and sit in my house (with her ginormous dog) whilst they had visitors looking around the house.

Etc.

She didn't mind making me feel awkward though???

Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries refusing help to neighbours or friends if they are not comfortable offering it.

The problem with so many individual boundaries these days is that we are losing a sense of community and being there for each other.

I have no problems offering a shower to a neighbour having problems with their water supply. It wouldn't cross my mind to refuse it.

To say no would be very mean spirited. Give her time slots that work for you and make it clear you won't be available outside of those times. What could it hurt to let the poor woman wash her body? You'd be denying her a basic human need, she is desperate and I'm sure this will be a short term situation.

She probably said 'pop in' to emphasize she'll be in and out.

I don't know why you're wittering on about what a great person you are. Maybe because you have the niggling feeling you're being unkind to your neighbour. I'm sure it doesn't make a difference to her how many volunteer hours you have. She just wants to wash.

I’m afraid a neighbours dead hair, skin and whatever else would give me the creeps.

Im guessing she doesn’t have a bath but as she’s still got water then a wash at the sink is fine.

In Ireland every holiday we had to use the water out of the rainwater barrel …oh woe is me I’m sure you’re all thinking. We didn’t even have a toilet. So A sink wash is fine .

I wouldn't let my neighbours use my shower, no. I'm surprised so many people would!

I'd feel like I should deep clean it for someone else to use it and I might not have time for that.

I also wouldn't be happy being alone in the house while my male neighbour is naked in my shower, he's not given me any reason to think he's a creep but it would still just make me feel uncomfortable.

She can wash, she has water. She just wants a nice hot shower instead, at her neighbour's inconvenience.

Excellent post, really interesting could only come from a Gryffindor😁
OP then is a Guesser, as am I

I hope you read that Guardian article OP!

Can't she just wash at the sink for a couple of weeks, and wash her hair under the tap?
I've done that before when the boiler broke. Personally, I would never ask a neighbour if I could do this, unless we were really good friends, and even then, it would probably just be to use it once a week.

I’m afraid a neighbours dead hair, skin and whatever else would give me the creeps.

Do you use showers in hotels?

Does the dead hair, skin and whatever else from previous guests give you the creeps also?

@pinkappleorpineapple

I didn't say she had to say yes, I said her volunteering is irrelevant.

Yes I agree with this. Say yes but with boundaries in place. I'm learning a lot about boundaries and sometimes saying yes or no doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I tend to use hotels that are sure to be spotless

Hotels also aren’t my personal space

Like a previous poster I would stress for two weeks about this. I wouldn’t be able to relax wondering when / if they turn up. Will they judge my property. Will the water be hot enough. Will they deep clean after use. Have I deep cleaned enough. The anxiety would be constant.

Like I said we didn’t even have running water in Ireland and were able to wash.

Obviously not. They only shower in their own home and never go on holidays o stay a few days with family.

Unless they don't shower until they get home which is beyond grim.

🤣🤣🤣
blimey MNs on here really don’t like different opinions do they 🙃

In MN some people talk shit which is beyond ridiculous.

I don’t like to think that’s the case ( although I see what you mean ) I prefer to think it’s just peoples right to make their own choices.

Making own choices and boundaries are a personal issue. I addressed in a previous post.

What I don't get is posting stuff like "neighbours dead hair, skin and whatever else would give me the creeps" when, as another poster said, you could never then shower in a hotel or during family holidays using a shower that's not your own.

There is big dissonance to this post, making a few of us questioning it.