to not let neighbour use my shower!

[NavyOrca]

Next door neighbour messaged me earlier. Her shower has broken and she can’t get anyone to come out and fix it until the week after next. She asked if she could ‘pop in’ to use ours every other day.

I don’t want her to! I’ve got most of next week off work and plan to be at home a lot, doing not much at all, after a crazy busy time lately. I don’t want to worry about somebody coming to have a shower!

For context - I get on with her absolutely fine. We chat now and again and have walked our dogs together a few times in the past.. wouldn’t say we are especially close though.

AIBU to say no to this request? I know that she moved to the area for work and none of her family/friends are around here. So I might be her only option and I do feel bad about this.

I've asked this of people before. It's an absolute nightmare and getting to a gym or hotel can be expensive and is a faff depending where you live.

It sounds more like you have a strong need for privacy/feeling fully relaxed in your own space rather than being unkind. Which is fair enough but still puts you at one extreme of the spectrum which is why it could damage your relationship. Think how you could make it manageable for you, eg by giving specific times, maybe making it clear you won't have time to chat etc (she doesn't have to know your plans is doing nothing!)

Yanbu.

She has a bath, cold shower, flannel wash, or goes to the gym and uses theirs.

Not a chance.

In OP's position I'd let neighbour use the shower in case I ever needed her help in return.
BUT, in the neighbour's position I'd rather flannel wash using a bucket in the shower stall and wash my hair over the sink using a jug to rinse.
I wouldn't bother someone I don't know very well - and especially for that length of time - for what is not an emergency situation.

I'm not sure that was worth quoting me for

Organise and pay for a decent rehearsal dinner for the wedding party- that's traditionally the Groom's patents' responsibility- and assume he will thank you for that.

I'm seeing the alternative MN thread where the Bride's mother writes 'DH and I organised and paid for our DD's engagement party. The whole thing fell on our shoulders yet future SIL's mother insisted she should have been thanked as well as DH and me. AIBU to think you should only be thanked for what you actually contribute?'

Eww... why are you talking about run offs? I sure didn't. What a bizarre view.

Croydex make a shower you can slip on to taps - my adult son with OCD has to shower after he uses the toilet, so I bought one when our electric shower broke down. They're cheap and easy to use. By the way I don't mean those ones you just use for washing hair, this is a proper shower.

It's a very mainstream view to want privacy and feel relaxed, nothing extreme about it. It was pretty unkind of the neighbour to try to be a cheeky fucker though.

I think you posted on the wrong thread?

To the extent of not allowing a (female) neighbour you have a friendly relationship with to borrow your shower during a week when you plan on being home? I'm not sure I know anyone who'd refuse that and would find it really unusual.

Neighbour isn't asking to join OP in her shower unless this is the biggest drip feed ever

Did you ask mummy if you could use her internet, from the basement?

Agreed
It might be difficult to say no, though.
I don't see why she can't have a bath until the shower is fixed. I couldn't imagine asking a neighbour this.

You've just met about at least a hundred people online who say they wouldn't allow it.

It really doesn't matter what you would do though, the point is just that its is extremely weird that people can't understand that other people think differently to them and that it's really normal not to want someone you are on nodding terms with not to use your shower.

I think it's fine to say no if you're uncomfortable. It's quite a big ask for someone you don't know well! She could pop to the local leisure centre, or wash with a flannel and a jug.

This is a bonkers request & I can't understand why so many people think it's ok to have a neighbour use their shower.

Jesus! Just have a wash using a sink till your shower is fixed.

YANBU @NavyOrca

I would allow it but I would be slightly annoyed as I fear being judged for mess. So would have to scrub my bathroom within an inch of its life despite it being tidy anyway

She can easily wash without a shower - cold flannel wash like people used to, or boil some water in a pan if she wants a warm wash. You can also fill up a bath from the kettle in the evenings.

She's being CF imo. I'd say no. When my brother's shower broke for a week him and SIL took out a gym membership trial and showered at the gym each morning. There's loads of other options for her

Agree. You can fill up a bath with a kettle easy enough.

Neighbour has made an unreasonable request imo

how on earth can you say "'I'm not sure I know anyone who'd refuse that"?
Unless this exact scenario has come up with every single one of your friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances, how do you know what they'd all say?

Why do people always make such grand overarching remarks when they actually have no idea whatsoever what anyone apart from themselves would do in a scenario?

Just say "I'd like to think most people I know would help" because that's the most accurate you can actually be unless you start taking vox pops from your postie and sister's brother-in-law and child's teacher about their views on neighbourly hospitality.

Or in my case:

Neighbour on a friendly dog walk with OP: oh Sharon my shower is broken and i can't get a plumber in for two weeks.

Me, before she has a chance to ask: you are welcome to pop round and use mine. I am home most of the time anyway. If I'm not around, you have a spare key, just drop me a text before you come over.

Neighbour: thank you so much. <Comes over later, with wine>

I get to feel good for having helped someone, they get slightly less inconvenience.

That's nice for you.

Not how lots of other people feel though, and they're not remotely unfair or unusual for not wanting to do it.

As far as I know, the CF neighbour lost her hot water - it's literally only her shower that's not working, which makes it even pushier. She just has to have a wash in the sink, and yep you can even wash your hair in the sink, shock and amazement.

Just checking this thread in my lunch break, goodness me I def did not expect it to have taken off like this…! Obviously I’m not going to be able to get through reading several hundred replies so I thought I’d just update with a reply I sent to my neighbour.

Essentially, I let her know that I was happy for her to come and shower a couple of times, but every other day would be a bit tricky for me to accommodate. She replied and seemed very grateful.

I’m allowed to assert my own boundaries after all. I don’t feel guilty about this decision, I’m doing what I feel comfortable enough to do, but still trying to help her out.

Good grief, I can't imagine ever asking a neighbour to use their shower, shuddering at the thought...

I would be so embarrassed going into someone's house to use their shower. I would rather hose myself down in the back garden or go to the gym.

I would also feel weird having someone in my house using the shower, however neighbourly we are.