to not let neighbour use my shower!

[NavyOrca]

Next door neighbour messaged me earlier. Her shower has broken and she can’t get anyone to come out and fix it until the week after next. She asked if she could ‘pop in’ to use ours every other day.

I don’t want her to! I’ve got most of next week off work and plan to be at home a lot, doing not much at all, after a crazy busy time lately. I don’t want to worry about somebody coming to have a shower!

For context - I get on with her absolutely fine. We chat now and again and have walked our dogs together a few times in the past.. wouldn’t say we are especially close though.

AIBU to say no to this request? I know that she moved to the area for work and none of her family/friends are around here. So I might be her only option and I do feel bad about this.

Wouldn't be a problem for me...I don't see what the big deal is. She's only going to be using it, what...3/4 times. I'm sure if she brings her own towels/toiletries it won't be too much of an inconvenience. Just make sure she tells you what days she'll need to use it, you tell her the time that it's most convenient for you and you're sorted!

As others have said, it's only about 20 minutes 3/4 times a week for one week...it's not like she's moving in or anything! I'm sure she's just as annoyed (if not moreso) at the inconvenience of having to do a basic hygiene task in someone else's home!

Well, whatever.
But personally I value having sound and friendly relationships with my neighbours so I'm prepared to put myself out a bit on their behalf. It cuts both ways.

Oh, OK, you ARE making a reductio ad absurdum argument and hoping posters will accept that, if people will let one individual use their shower, it follows that they should let a whole family do so too.

I wouldnt have asked in her situation, she would have means of being able to wash and wash her hair. However, I wouldn't want someone struggling and if I knew they had no shower for 2 weeks I'd offer mine.

The arguments are that it's a perfectly reasonable request, you have to be kind, you scratch their back and maybe one day they'll scratch yours. I don't see how that is different for a family next door. Same principles surely apply?

Are you my neighbour? Have we got a friendly acquaintance? Do you have no other friends/family near by who could help share the load a bit? If so then of course I'll help you. It wouldn't be the most convenient thing ever for me and I'd be glad when your shower was fixed, but being without a decent place to wash is horrible. It wouldn't be a problem. Just bring your own towels and shampoo!

Would you also rather people could say no to things they felt uncomfortable about?

I'd never actually ask you. I'd take them all to the local pool changing room.

One person using a shower is not the same in terms of time and resources used, and number of people coming into your house, as a large family.

Knew I should have used more emojis! ☺️

I was also born and raised in the SE, and have lived all over and abroad. There are definite trends - though of course a generalisation can only be a generalisation.

Actually I found more pockets of community in London than in other small towns in E/ SE

Regardless, the same principles and rationale for allowing a single neighbour to use a shower apply if your neighbours happen to be a family.

Cool. But if you did ask, or if there wasn't an affordable, local pool nearby, I'd help you out and it wouldn't be the end of the world for either of us.

I don’t think she should have asked you and I wouldn’t ask a neighbour. I’ve been in this situation and didn’t even ask close friends down the road as I felt it would be too intrusive- I muddled through with water from the taps for washing. But some people are just quite cheeky.

Anyway, the problem is that she has asked you and there really is no polite way to say no. Do you work from home? I would say I had lots of calls and give her a very specific time - then I’d go out for a walk/coffee at that time. I do understand OP I wouldn’t like this either.

Absolutely no way would I agree to this. My home is private and unless it's an actual emergency, no neighbours are coming in, ever. You need a break next week, do that. She's been very cheeky even asking in my view. So what if all these posters would do it, in theory.

Is there a gym locally? That would definitely be my go to if having shower issues but I’d also definitely want one every day. Maybe say that you aren’t sure of your movements everyday so suggest it might be more convenient for her to join the gym and shower there - she might find a new hobby as an extra benefit too

No of course you're not being unreasonable, but she has a hell of a cheek asking someone who knows nothing about her really if it's ok if she gets naked in their bathroom. You have no idea if she has diseases, is hygienic, pees in the shower etc. Gross.

Also, if she still has running water she can wash perfectly well in a sink and wash her hair in the sink too. It's one bloody week, she'll be fine. Yes, it's inconvenient and it's 100 percent doable and there are also showers available at swimming pools and more.

Take the risk of her blanking you, she's a cheeky cow and if she's willing to ask this who knows what will be next, plus I'd be looking for ways to avoid her anyway from now on, this is why staying on polite nodding terms only with neighbours is a good idea, if they get pushy it can get awkward.

I would let her at a time that suits you

I remember once my lovely neighbour let us use her shower when we had no hot water

That's kind of you (and given OP is familiar enough that she walks dogs with her neighbour, I'd most likely be okay with helping her too). I'd find a way though. I'd go to a motel if needed and stay for the two weeks. Get a bucket or solar shower.

I'd likely help a decent neighbour too, but the neighbour who let's her kid kick the ball against the fence for an excessive amount of time a day can forget it no matter how unclean she feels.

And yeah, some people are filthy in the shower, according to the internet anyway, it's a weird, cheeky request and she shouldn't have asked you.

Have had a male neighbour use my shower for a couple of weeks in the past, and an elderly neighbour allowed my kids to use her shower (I showered at work) when we had an issue with our water. We all survived the ordeals. We all still speak to each other and I'm very pleased to report that my teenagers, unprompted, wiped down the neighbour's shower area when they'd finished (because they're in the habit of doing that at home). Thank you gifts exchanged. Kindness was the winner.

i used to be in the army. It is totally normal to give a shower a quick once over after you've used it. But I've done that all my life when using a bathroom (and toilet)

And if neighbour did leave a pube? I'm a grown up: i would say, next time she came over: "can you give the shower a squirt round with this [hands over shower spray] no need to scrub, just swish it round with the hose, and please use the squeegee on the glass otherwise it gets full of limescale"

I do despair that adults (if this place is representative) have lost the ability to think/speak like adults, and communicate in an adult way with other people. (the neighbour is an exception, good on her for asking)

I should think most of the people making those arguments are doing so in specific reference to this situation: one person.

I don't think most families would ask, as most people would realise that a family of 6 or whatever is a different proposition to a single person.

When my neighbour used my shower for a bit, her DP, who also lived there, didn't. It was just her who came and asked and just her who used it. I never asked why, but I think it's likely a combination of him/them thinking asking for two showers was a bit different that one, and possibly the fact that he was a man and I'm a woman and they thought that might be an uncomfortable ask. (of course it's also possible that he had somewhere else he could easily shower whereas she didn't).

well yes, this is also an option. But re my previous post: adults (if here is representative) have lost the ability to say "sorry, no, i can't"

They have to invent an elaborate excuse.

If we're reducto ad abusudum-ing it tho (love that) OP should emigrate to Australia tomorrow. It's the only way to avoid letting your neighbour move in and steal your house.

Ah, OK!
I agree about community in London. I've never felt so quickly and easily welcomed anywhere as I do here, including previous stints living in the Home Counties, Scotland and the East Midlands.

Most likely he had somewhere else to shower. You better believe people will ask. I admit I do believe in the general principle of no harm asking, they can always say no, though I wouldn't ask. I wouldn't be comfortable asking or showering at a neighbour's house myself (unless I knew them really well and we were friends more than neighbours). I wouldn't even ask my best friend though. That's my own discomfort. I know she wouldn't mind.

She's asked to use my shower once in an emergency and I said yes, though was a bit uncomfortable. Never had to happen though as her issue was resolved.