to not let neighbour use my shower!

[NavyOrca]

Next door neighbour messaged me earlier. Her shower has broken and she can’t get anyone to come out and fix it until the week after next. She asked if she could ‘pop in’ to use ours every other day.

I don’t want her to! I’ve got most of next week off work and plan to be at home a lot, doing not much at all, after a crazy busy time lately. I don’t want to worry about somebody coming to have a shower!

For context - I get on with her absolutely fine. We chat now and again and have walked our dogs together a few times in the past.. wouldn’t say we are especially close though.

AIBU to say no to this request? I know that she moved to the area for work and none of her family/friends are around here. So I might be her only option and I do feel bad about this.

OK

It's a false equivalence, unless of course the OP's water/heating bills are the most expensive known to man.

when my boiler was broken we had "bucket baths" for 2 weeks. Boil a kettle, half fill a bucket, schlepp it to the bathroom and stand it in the bath (on a damp towel to stop it slipping. Put cold water in it to the right temperature and use a sponge.

Hair washing over the bath with a jug of cold water.

But. I'd let my neighbour come over every other day at a specified time - evening or when i was WFH - to use it. Not a family, but an individual neighbour.

Good to know I can ask anyone on this thread for use of their shower for me and my collection of children and DH if needed.

Unsociable/unpleasant is one thing, but the OP has made quite clear that this isn't the case with her neighbour.
What if there isn't a decent gym or leisure centre nearby? Or one that offers a free trial? (I have to say none of my local ones do).

I really can't get my head round the mentality where people would rather see a pleasant neighbour pay out for/schlep to a gym or a family member's house rather than use their shower a few times.

OP - I probably wouldn’t either. I’m quite private and wouldn’t t want someone I don’t really know that well coming to my house for a week. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
if she knows she’s going to be without a shower for a week then that does give her some notice to sort herself out - it’s not like she has a wedding to go to today and needs to shower for it right now and it would be a one off- when I was having my bathroom refitted I showed at the gym or work - it wouldn’t have even occurred to me to ask my neighbours that I barely know.
plus what if the tradesperson doesn’t turn up on the day to fix it (I’ve been let down by 4 different plumbers to fit a radiator on the day now)? She could be using your shower for weeks.
is there a swimming baths by you where she could shower or could she get a cheap (or sometimes free) trial for a gym?

Obviously you are not obligated to help. I totally would though. I like to have mutually beneficial relationships with my neighbours.

You never know when you need a good neighbour. My DH was rushed to hospital last year and the neighbours stepped in to mind the dog, hold on to my kids until a family member could get them and one dropped in a dinner when I got home after 24 hours in the hospital.

It will have minimal impact on you

What does a collection of children and a DH have to do with a single individual neighbour needing a shower?

I wouldn't love it if one of my neighbours asked this on my week off, but I'd absolutely say yes unless I had a concrete reason why it wasn't possible. As many pp have said, its just being neighbourly and you never know when you might need their help in the future.

Our neighbours kindly offered the use of their washing machine when ours broke, yes we could have used a laundrette but its miles away and we had a small baby (and therefore a lot of washing) so very grateful to be able to just do a couple of wash loads next door.

OP you've said you get on fine with her and and you've done dog walks together in the past. So a hard 'no' is going to come across a bit weird. It's not even every day.

When our neighbours’ boiler was broken and their landlord was dragging his heels about fixing it, we told them they could use our shower. I hate sharing my personal space but it is so clearly the right thing to do - I’d have felt so guilty about not offering.

Quite apart from that, having good neighbourly relations is worth its weight in gold. You never know when you might need them to take in a parcel, need someone to water your plants or check on the house for you.

Seems a bit mean spirited to me tbh.

And of course your relationship will be frosty going forward. So not worth it for a couple of 15 minutes showers as well as being a kind thing to do for a neighbour you might need one day.

I would say yes and have have done this before

She's your neighbour. You chat. You walk dogs sometimes

10/15m every other day even on your week off would be kind

But find a time good for you whether early evening once she's home from work so 6/7

You may need her help one day

I remember having my bathroom done years ago. I had a shower at my neighbours house bless her

And I've had friends round before when they needed a bath/shower

I didn't say it was any kind of equivalence.

I said it was because I fancied it.

Does she have a bath? Surely she could use that? If she does, and you really don't want to help, I'd consider buying one of those cheap rubber shower attachments for the taps, and present it as a gift🤣If she doesn't, I would let her. I must admit, I couldn't imagine knocking to ask this! In the absence of a bath, I'd be sink/dish/bucket washing.

I asked for a small adjustment to reduce noise which was excessive. They have declined. They're not awful people but this is enough for me to feel like I'm not doing them any favours. If they had shown some consideration, I would say of course to them using my shower.

If there is no option for a shower outside the home then I guess the neighbours would just have to make do with a bucket, buy a solar shower, or some other option.

Surely a family needs access to a bathroom more than a single neighbour? Of course you can't say no for all the reasons given in this thread.

Fine, but then your argument about her being selfish is meaningless.

So what's the problem with the neighbour? You can give her a specific time so she doesn't interrupt your work, you can make it clear you're busy so she doesn't hang around disturbing you. Chances are you'll get your shower cleaned for free. Win-win.

I can't believe you'd say no honestly - what a world we live in!

In your opinion.

Or you assuming that people have enough money to pay for extra showers?
What you are missing is that people are allowed their own boundaries of what's acceptable to them
Are you a man@MarkWithaC ?
You might want to have a think about how telling women they are wrong, miseries etc at maintaining their own boundaries in their own home comes across

Clue -not good

Going through such unpleasantness as washing at the sink or having a bath?

If the water was off, the electricity was off fine I'd let a neighbour use a shower as they would be desperate and have no alternatives but if a shower is broken and they have options then no.

We let our neighbours (not even our immediate neighbours) use our bathroom whilst theirs was being replaced - that was the couple and their young child. It never even occurred to me to say no.

It's a relatively easy favour for you - you don't have to physically do much beyond making sure your bathroom is clean/tidy! Yet will win you lots of brownie points in the good neighbour books... and refusing will definitely be remembered so don't be surprised if you suddenly find none of your neighbours taking parcels in for you, prepared to water your plants/feed the cat if you are going away.... or be prepared to let you use their shower if you suddenly find yourself without one!

Believe me, I get you. I've had two lots of neighbours who I honestly would not piss on if they were on fire, much less let use my shower. Luckily, I've had many more with whom I've had lovely or at least civil relationships.

What is bad about being generous and warm when someone you get on with needs a small favour from you which would make their life much easier? You are not obliged to do it, but is that really how people draw their boundaries? Good relationships and strengthening friendships are good things. I truly don't understand.

I don't understand this. Can you explain why your argument about selfishness using the comparison of being sent £500 is meaningful? Genuinely, I'd like to understand.