to not let neighbour use my shower!

[NavyOrca]

Next door neighbour messaged me earlier. Her shower has broken and she can’t get anyone to come out and fix it until the week after next. She asked if she could ‘pop in’ to use ours every other day.

I don’t want her to! I’ve got most of next week off work and plan to be at home a lot, doing not much at all, after a crazy busy time lately. I don’t want to worry about somebody coming to have a shower!

For context - I get on with her absolutely fine. We chat now and again and have walked our dogs together a few times in the past.. wouldn’t say we are especially close though.

AIBU to say no to this request? I know that she moved to the area for work and none of her family/friends are around here. So I might be her only option and I do feel bad about this.

I agree it's not necessarily a good thing. I'm chronically independent due to the need to rely on my own resources from childhood. I'm a great problem solver and always find a solution. I wouldn't ask the neighbour for this favour. I just find it a bit too personal a space to ask for access to. You can bet I'd find my own solution though.

You'll lose the need to people please as you get older.

I would let her. Just tell her to let herself in and out and not to bother me because I’m busy.

She must be remarkably unenterprising. It is easy to have a shower in a shower cubicle with a bucket of hot water and a jug. It is even possible without a shower cubicle as you can do it over a sink.

When we got a new bathroom fitted, which ended up being a big job, our next door neighbours let both of us use their shower, every day.
We returned the favour when it was their turn.
They give us a lift to the airport and check on the house when we go away. We do the same in return.
I consider us to be really lucky.
We aren’t in and out of each other’s houses every day, but we are there for each other.

I think the phrase 'used to do' is key here.

I waited that long for mine; she had an accident and was signed off for two weeks just before she was due to start a job for me. I decided to wait because she's very very good, and good tradespeople don't grow on trees.

This kind of grotesque misery nostalgia is exactly why I'd actively offer the use of my shower to any friend or neighbour whose boiler was broken. I don't want people I like to have to go through such unpleasantness and not even feel clean at the end of it.

I was about 37 when my neighbour asked me this favour and (as per my other post) totally OK with it, pleased to help.
I'm 49 now and still feel the same.

There's some very lurid imaginations on here.

I think it's certainly mean to say no, she clearly thinks you're close enough that asking is ok. You could easily say yes and give her a time to pop round on the days she needs a shower, so you are in control of the situation.
When my bathroom was being refitted a few years ago, I went round to a neighbours for a shower and was super grateful.

Either because you have horrid neighbours or martyring yourself makes you feel better about yourself.

It's happened to me, I said yes. Likely I'm not the only one on here for whom that's true.

I don’t think the neighbour’s boiler is broken, just the shower. If my neighbour’s boiler was broken and they had no hot water I might let them use mine. We have close friends nearby who were without a kitchen for months while they were having a kitchen extension built, and we happily let them come and use our washing machine and washing line and come to ours for meals, and stay at ours while we were away so they could use the kitchen to cook.

It's all going a bit Four Yorkshiremen.

So many posters with their wide eyed "doesn't she have a bath?". We have 2 bathrooms, neither of which has a bath.

As for "just use the gym/leisure centre", our nearest one is 20 miles away and would require driving/owning a car and an annual membership.

Just surprised that no-one has fainted in horror at only wanting to shower every other day. Gosh, the horror, and what if she uses the same towel each time.

@Bogginsthe3rd , i like your thinking

I do think it's a fairly cheeky request. If her shower is broken, there is nothing stopping her washing her hair in the sink and washing with a flannel. She probably has a bath she could use as well. I wouldn't ask a neighbour to use their shower under these circumstances - she can easily make do with a sink - even if she has no hot water (unlikely if it's just a shower that's broken), she can just boil the kettle.

That said, refusal could cause frosty relations in the future and if you need an actual (ie a more legitimate) favour off her in the future, then she could refuse after being pissed off re this.

On balance, I'd try to arrange specific times with her, but I would be careful in case she turns out to be a CF.

I am astonished at posts calling you selfish. I wonder if those calling the OP selfish would like to send me £500. As not sharing your money is selfish? And at those saying poor lady she must be desperate - again - insanity - it's just a broken shower. Her house hasn't fallen down!

I think it's really sad that people are calling it "cheek" that the neighbour dared to ask.

The neighbour isn't asking for money or anything outrageous.

It reminds me of the time I needed to jump start my car in a supermarket carpark (I had the leads and know how to do it). The first 3 people I asked looked at me like I had demanded their firstborn. Eventually an elderly gentleman kindly agreed to help - took 5 minutes tops.

It really distressed me actually, it made me feel I lived in a cold and cut off society. Can it even be called a society when everyone is so doggedly out for themselves only and never hold out a helping hand?

This thread is a real eye-opener, and not in a good way. I'm so relieved that I've got nicer neighbours than some of you. I'm also pleased that I'm a less miserable and suspicious neighbour than some of you sound like.
I'm also interested in the number of people assuming this woman either is a member of gym/leisure centre already, or has easy access to one she can use just to have a shower , or can/wants to spend the money to do so.

Why £500?

Most gyms offer a week trial membership. If it's that expensive she can always do trials at two different gyms for the week and get free showers.

I feel I'm off the hook on letting my neighbours shower in mine. They've lost the right to expect anything from us with their unsociable behaviour they refuse to do anything about (even though it would cause no loss on their part).

There is no way I'd allow someone to use my car for a jump start. Are you aware that allowing someone to do this can fry the electrics of the car that is being used to give the start? Several thousands of pounds worth of damage?

Because I just fancied it!

I wouldn't jump start anyone either. I'm not competent to do that (which I why I pay for roadside assistance membership) and there is the risk that I could scramble the electrics/computer in the car. I'm not taking that risk.

Great article. Thanks!