AIBU to wonder if we are unusual in never seeing adult children at Christmas?

[SoNiceToComeHomeTo]

I'm reading so many threads about adult children struggling to fit in visits to their parents and inlaws over Christmas, or even bemoaning the fact that they'd like a change sometimes but feel they have an obligation to family.
We haven't had a Christmas with my SC for nearly 20 years now, and my DH especially is very sad about it. His DD (single, early forties) usually keeps her options open until the last minute, and if nothing better is offered goes to her Mum, who lives locally and always offers to pick her up. DS (married, no kids, mid forties) goes abroad most years and very occasionally to his Mum's.

They both have busy lives, and DS and DIL love travelling and hate the cold so I can see why they like to go away. But still - could they not have their annual holiday in the sun a couple of weeks later sometimes, and either invite us to stay with them or come to us for a couple of days? We live a few hours away so a day trip wouldn't be comfortable.
I don't think there is anything sinister behind it. We are on good terms with them, and don't want to put pressure on them to see us, or get needy about it, but we do miss seeing them at Christmas, Easter etc. When they were at school and uni they would come to us on Christmas day and we'd invite their Mum as well so that nobody got left out, but as they've got older they no longer think it's important, it seems.
Just wondering how unusual this situation is. I expect I am BU to mournfully feel that it is just us, but I'd like to know.

Thanks, that's interesting.
Actually we would be delighted to travel to them for Christmas if they invited us, but DS is always away and DD lives in a shared flat.

Do you actually ask them?

Neither my parent or my ILs actually invite us which is also sad (various health and mental health issues) and we have no space and are at a distance so can't just pop by, would need to stay over. This has felt quite hurtful actually after my late Mum's death that nobody is bothered by seeing us either way.

I wouldn't say you were unusual. My oldest DS lives and works several hours from us, and rarely gets decent blocks of annual leave over Christmas and new year. He hasn't been home for Christmas for several years. When he does get the chance, he will spend Christmas with his grandmother, but the increasing cost and unreliability of public transport is making this more difficult.

When our DC were young we would travel long distances across the country to spend Christmas with family while our grand parents were still alive. After they died, we and our parents enjoyed not having to travel and being able to enjoy Christmas at our respective homes.

YABU OP. When we were the "adult children" we never saw parents at Christmas. I made it a rule, in fact. We both had busy jobs, particularly my husband who often worked part of the holiday period. The last thing we wanted to do was drive 200 miles to hang out with the rellies - we wanted a rest. Lots of our friends were the same.

I’m with you on this. Can’t stand the forced fun of Christmas and the commercialism (yes, I know it doesn’t have to be either of those things but it’s hard to escape that side of it). I just don’t care about or like Christmas. My parents aren’t bothered either for various reasons and I know my mum feels it can be a miserable and lacking time of year, but frankly I don’t want to go and make my own Christmas miserable by sitting around moaning with her and my dad.

So I do spend it with friends, volunteer, go abroad. My parents are fine with this and encourage it because they want me to have a nice time. If they pressured me to spend time with them for the sake of it I’d just be annoyed tbh. I agree with suggestions of having a family meetup another time in the year - if you want the christmassy vibe just do it some other time in December so they can come to that then go on holiday after. I expect that many people schlep to family Christmases every year not because they want to, but because they feel obliged because of how bonkers people go if you say you don’t want to do that. More power to anyone who breaks away and does their own thing! It’s not a reflection of the state of the relationship.

I think it would be unusual if you lived fairly locally and didnt see your relatives at all over the christmas period but I dont think it matters if its on the actual day or not.

I havent visited my parents on christmas day for decades now! Often Im working and public transport isnt the best. I do make the effort to visit them around that time though.
TBH we've both found that we prefer to just relax and not have to worry about entertaining people on christmas day!

Yes, it is rather unusual especially over the course of 20 years. I think it's probably more to do with family dynamics and divided loyalties than anything else. Also, they possibly don't realise that their dad would really like them for Christmas. Dads often get put on the back burner for this sort of thing. There aren't any grandchildren either, which I think has a bearing on it. They'd perhaps be more family orientated and inclined to want their children "entertained" over Christmas if they had any.

We don't spend Christmas with our parents as adult children with children of our own. None of our parents want to host but they won't travel and come to us either so we don't see them Xmas day. They live 40-50 mins and 1.5 hours away though. If they were round the corner I suspect it might be different.

However we do see them for a day in the lead up or shortly after and we have a mini celebration.

I have some sympathy for the children of separated parents tbh, as they seem to have to have and do "double" of everything (two Christmases, two birthdays, two times most special events etc.) from after the split. I imagine when you're a child and someone else is doing all the logistics and physical and emotional work, it's ok but often still a bit overwhelming. As an adult, it's probably quite draining to have your parents not as a "unit" that you can deal with in one single visit but two separate individuals competing for your attention.

The harsh reality for many young adults is that, if they visit their parents at all, they visit their mum and their dad is a bit of an add-on. So it's easy to see how separated dads might be a bit sidelined when there are other competing options and demands on their children's time. It sucks, yes, but it is reflective of gender roles in society and the fact women overwhelmingly still do most parenting. This is one of the eventual payoffs for that, I guess.

I have some sympathy for the children of separated parents tbh, as they seem to have to have and do "double" of everything (two Christmases, two birthdays, two times most special events etc.) from after the split.

Yes! I'm struggling with it much more as an adult than I did as a teen when they split. I often think how much simpler our lives would be if my parents were (happily) married. So much of the burden I have as an adult for various reasons is from my parents not being together.

This OP.

I mean they may travel/work remotely but it's still work. For us personally it's non-stop all year. Christmas is the only time we get a proper break (and even then sometimes we're still on call). Even the summer holidays are a mad
juggle between covering work and school holidays things only really slow right down at the end of the year.

Having said that, I'd make an effort if our families had a tradition of a 'big family Christmas'. But they don't. It's just DH parents and sister (mine live abroad). We meet in between Christmas and New Year but no need for an entire period of festivities.

It must be tough. After a frenetic childhood (hopefully) having an enriching and rewarding time with both parents if you're fortunate (and an absent or stressed relationship if not), you then have double "emotional duty" as an adult.

How it normally works is that the kids go to see mum, and mum makes sure dad is ok. So the kids don't have the burden of an impoverished mum (divorce wreaks women's finances) or an emotionally needy dad (because mum is taking care of all the social/family connections for dad).

When parents split, they often massively increase their children's "workload" (both as children and adults), whether they like it or not.

My children have several close friends with separated parents. They are always doing something. This is a fairly affluent area and the fathers are fairly engaged, so Christmas will see many of the kids doing two Father Christmas visits, two Christmas light trails, two pantos, two Christmas mornings, two Christmas dinners, splitting Christmas day (for a couple of them), presents from and visits to two extended families etc. That's after a half-term rounds of two pumpkin farm visits, two Halloween parties etc... I'm exhausted just thinking about it!! They seem to have very little time just to "be".

And those are the committed families with both parents working hard to minimise the practical impact of living across two homes/families on their kids. It's a logistical bloody nightmare for a lot of children. Can adult children of separated parents really be blamed if they get to adulthood and think "I'd really like a bit of a rest from all this family shit now, please?"

Nope as I’m hoping one day I’ll be allowed to see DN’s and DN’s again. So I’m doing everything I can to hope that happens, this started up about four years ago.

we visited home (different part of the country) for the first time in 18months a few months ago. We only stay in a caravan as all we can afford and I made it clear with the COL we can’t afford that even next year. we booked a few extra days this time so got to help mum with general chores gardening that siblings don’t bother to help with.

I had hoped I’d be allowed to see nieces/nephews, it’s the only time I’m ever allowed to see them. Last year I saw them once for an hour at the day and time dictated by my sibling to me. We went back on our last day to drop something off for each of them and they wouldn’t even open the door to me, devastating is an understatement. This year I was sent a text telling me they’ve all got a bug, obviously fair enough everyone gets ill. But we had to leave a few days early, not related, and once we had left they were all miraculously better and at my mums.

So I continue to send the birthday and Christmas presents in the hope that the children know I love them all dearly. One nephew on one side is now an adult and has now left home and he’s given me his new address so that’s a start and a niece on the other side is a teen so she’s now allowed a phone and so she texts me. So I live in hope, that’s all I have.

so anyway because of my extremely toxic family I think the OP and DH sound like lovely family members.

I’ve not been to my mums for Christmas in 14 years. I talk to her every week though so no falling out or anything.

Just a very different Christmas. We and our children want to be at our home comfortably and eating the food we like. We don’t want to have this forced event of everyone sitting in the livingroom with some drivel on the tv.

We go to the in-laws occasionally much to the children’s and tbh mine disgust 😅 to appease dh who feels he has to attend because his sibling does so all the grandchildren can be together. However his parents mostly go away for christmas so doesn’t happen to often thank god.

I plan to be the if you want to come, come or don’t ifs your choice to my children once adults. No forced Sunday dinners regularly either. Possibly hold a once monthly take away at mum and dad’s night. They can rotate who picks the food as we pick up the tab lol

That’s what I think too.

Depends on the family.

Yes, we ask them. I'm sorry that your parent and ILs don't. It is hurtful and they are missing out too.

Thank you. That would be a great compromise if we travelled well, but DS and DIL go in for long-haul flights to off-the-beaten-track places which we would find too exhausting nowadays to contemplate. If one year they announced they were planning a trip to a city in Europe we could suggest that.

I share your sympathy for those with separated parents to deal with. Twice the time and planning, and no reassuring feeling of coming back to the two people who brought you up and can share all the same jokes and stories.
That's true that mums tend to get first dibs on visits. Though in this case, the mum doesn't get to see DS and Christmas either - though that is no consolation to us!

I'm in my 50s and apart from once in Covid there's not been a single year where I didn't spend at least Christmas Day, Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with my parents. It will actually be just 27th this year. We alternate which days we spend with mine and which with PIL.

All true I'm sure!

I don't understand how people can see their parents and siblings altogether on Christmas Day. I would absolutely love this but my sister has to alternate between our parents/her inlaws and my brother does the same. That, coupled with us fitting in both families means it's hit and miss as to who sees who!

We do always meet for a big family party over the Christmas period but we've never all done Christmas Day which is a shame 😔

I have been with DH 35 years off
We have never had a Christmas with his dad....mind you we've never been invited.
We have occasionally had a near-Christmas meal, when the kids were younger. Any suggestion we stayed over was dismissed with excuses about the house not being child friendly, so we stopped asking.

Because we've always tended to do a couple of the days between 23rd and 27th with one set of parents and the next couple of days with the other. Sibling does the same. So, depending on which way around we both work it, some years dsis and I manage to coincide at our parents'. Or sometimes dsis and I don't see each other at all over those days and we do a few days at New Year instead. It helps that all four of us (dsis, bil, dh and I) work in education, so we have quite a long time off work!

I relate to this. I just got married and we're staying at home just the 2 of us this year. I can't wait to get to stay in 1 place in all day after a childhood of having to travel back and forth! 😁