AIBU to wonder if we are unusual in never seeing adult children at Christmas?

[SoNiceToComeHomeTo]

I'm reading so many threads about adult children struggling to fit in visits to their parents and inlaws over Christmas, or even bemoaning the fact that they'd like a change sometimes but feel they have an obligation to family.
We haven't had a Christmas with my SC for nearly 20 years now, and my DH especially is very sad about it. His DD (single, early forties) usually keeps her options open until the last minute, and if nothing better is offered goes to her Mum, who lives locally and always offers to pick her up. DS (married, no kids, mid forties) goes abroad most years and very occasionally to his Mum's.

They both have busy lives, and DS and DIL love travelling and hate the cold so I can see why they like to go away. But still - could they not have their annual holiday in the sun a couple of weeks later sometimes, and either invite us to stay with them or come to us for a couple of days? We live a few hours away so a day trip wouldn't be comfortable.
I don't think there is anything sinister behind it. We are on good terms with them, and don't want to put pressure on them to see us, or get needy about it, but we do miss seeing them at Christmas, Easter etc. When they were at school and uni they would come to us on Christmas day and we'd invite their Mum as well so that nobody got left out, but as they've got older they no longer think it's important, it seems.
Just wondering how unusual this situation is. I expect I am BU to mournfully feel that it is just us, but I'd like to know.

I think if you want to see them you have to make the effort to go more often.
If truth be told though it doesn't sound like the relationship is really there.
Have you thought about moving closer? If these are your only children why not move closer to where they are, whats keeping you where you are? Put seeing the kids more often, first

We do make the effort. We have a max of one visit per year from each of the DC, and my DH travels to see them every couple of months; sometimes I go too. We are considering moving closer but there are good reasons that we moved here, some of them health related. There definitely is a relationship, they ring up every week or so, and meetings are always enjoyable. They just don't want to come at Christmas, and I wondered how common it was because Christmas with family seems to be a given in many families.
That is all this thread is about - I don't want it to turn into something else.

Could you do something else for Christmas, if they prefer spending it elsewhere, so it doesn’t feel like you’re sat waiting?
It feels naive to suggest inviting them would change much, to be honest, they’ll be very aware of all the family rhetoric around Christmas and they’re making their choice each year.
I think you've summed it up very well there.
We have a nice Christmas on our own, sometimes with friends. It's not a disaster. But sad for DH who always loved a family Christmas.

So there isn't much of a relationship with you at all? And by the sounds of it, never has been?

We had my parents over for Christmas when they were alive. We had my in laws over maybe Boxing Day or sometime that week, more rarely go to theirs (they lived 20 minutes away). But we be er had my in laws fur Xmas day as they hosted their single sons (one divorced with kids) and those grandkids if it was his turn to have them.
Even when I lived in a different country I tried to fly over (before marriage and kids), if I didn't my sisters lived near them and had them over. Can't imagine not seeing them in Christmas Day.

Sounds like they are both stuck in the role in their family of origin where they subconsciously prioritise what they want and don't feel any sense of responsibility to ensuring others have a nice time, even if it means they don't get to do what they want...

What a helpful post; thank you. I think you are right that having children often changes perspective on what the family is 'for', and everyone's place in it.

I'm not sure where you get that idea from! There is love and connection there, but it doesn't lead to coming for Christmas these days.

We generally go abroad at Christmas. I do go for to my parents for a few days in December and I have an early Christmas with just them and my children(DH is always working at that time of year). This works really well. To be honest most of my friends (40s) find Christmas itself a massive stress because they are balancing the needs of their elderly parents, children and partners whilst travelling around the country, cooking and/or staying in different places and navigating difficult family relationships.

So why can't you have the nice family get together (which I assume is what DH misses; not that it must be on a particular day) at a different time of year?

We have found over the last 20 years the best thing to do is just not have any traditions or expectations for Christmas. So every year do something different. Sometimes if it works all be together, other times go away, be at different houses different days with different people. If it didn't work with people or venue never feel obliged to do it again or invite people who make it miserable, whoever they are. If you want to see them then invite them or have a conversation with them and say you want to see them over Christmas.

I think it is very unusual and also very sad. I think your DH should tell them that he misses family Christmas and specifically invite them over. I know you say you invited them a few times and they said no, but I wouldn’t have stopped asking - or at least made clear that it is an open invitation and we’d love them to come one year. They may simply think it is unimportant to your DH if they haven’t been invited for many years.

We do that, but there is something a bit special about being with family on Christmas day, when the shops are shut and there are decorations up and festivities going on all around.
We have accepted that this ain't going to happen unless something changes, and we can live with it.

OP are you working or are you retired? A lot of older people seem to expect young people to come and visit them rather than the other way around but when you have worked a 40hr week and are tired often its quite a chore being expected to travel to visit older relatives

Also agree with this, we moved away and this seems to have put some unsaid expectation that we are to travel to them. We have a young family, busy working lives, limited annual leave, and it costs a lot of travel because none of them have the space for us to stay, plus the pain of just sitting in living rooms talking, it's just not how I want to spend my time. So it is limited, and it is NOT at Christmas which should be for having fun.

Not saying any of that is applicable to you OP, it's just that reply resonated with me.

I don't blame you for not having studied this long thread, but a big part of this situation is that DS and his wife have made it a regular thing to go somewhere hot every Christmas, so asking them to come here instead seems like complaining about that choice. We do ask DD every year, and she sometimes says she will come but doesn't somehow get round to organising it and goes to her Mum's because it's easier. Now I think of it, she did come once about 10 years ago when she had fallen out with her Mum!!!

Ah, that’s a shame OP. Could your DH speak to them and say, look, we know you have lots of competing priorities at Christmas, but it has been a while since we saw you over Christmas and we’d really love to spend the day with you at some point, any chance you’d consider coming to us next year?

or could you invite them to a ‘fake’ Christmas earlier in December? Tree, presents, turkey, whatever and make that a bit of a fun thing?

I'm the opposite in your situation, we never see our parents/in-laws at Christmas. We don't have kids either.

Reasons are that it's a distance to travel and we like to do things differently to them. I'm also at the age where I like to have control over things like what I eat and when, what I spend my time off doing, not being fussed over and "parented" (and sometimes criticised). All our parents like to sit and chat all day and I hate small talk, it drives me insane. I like to be doing things, or if I'm chilling out I like to be properly chilling out - I can't relax with them around.

But I think it's a natural thing as your kids get older, my partner has lots of siblings who live near to his parents and these days they nip in for an hour or two to say hi and drop off presents, but they don't spend the best part of two days straight there like they used to.

That sounds really sad for you @SoNiceToComeHomeTo .

I'd suggest asking them again and perhaps putting it out there that you would really like them to come and visit you this year. If they still refuse then there is nothing more you can do. I think using not liking where you live as an excuse is really quite mean of the DIL.

Ahhh! Apologies for misunderstanding the situation.

No way can you be expected to travel at Christmas in those circumstances!

Sorry, cross posted with your most recent replies. Completely understand about the one who goes abroad, but I still think you’re DH could acknowledge that and ask if there’s anyway they’d consider going on their sunshine break a little later so you could spend Christmas Day with them, just occasionally.

We might try that. Thanks. The issue that some people have mentioned about taking annual leave doesn't apply so much to them; they often go abroad for a week and work remotely, their employers are OK with this. I think they like Christmas on their own but perhaps they would make an exception every few years.

For a lot of people, Christmas just isn't that important. I'm approx the same age as your step-DC. I live a 2-3 hour drive from my parents. I don't ever see them at Christmas. They would like to see us, they love Christmas, by the don't want to come to us (same reasons as you), and we have kids who want to be at home. If we didn't have kids, DH and I would go away for Christmas every single year.

You sound like a lovely person- and that you aren't expecting a lot. I do think most adults spend Christmas period visiting relatives - if not every year, then some of the year.

DSD clearly prefers to spend it with her mum- you mentioned proximity as a reason

DSS prefers sun at Christmas.

Could you travel to them one year?

Winter sun for Christmas?

Hotel near DSD and Christmas eve or a time on Christmas day?

Oh and one other thing - you want your step-DC to come to you - but as a middle-aged person I don't WANT to stay in my parents' spare room! They never went and stayed with their DPs when they were middle-aged (they lived close enough to visit for a few hours), but it's either stay with them or have to shell out £££££ for a cottage rental at Christmas time and neither is tempting.

People that say "my kids now have their own families" but they are your family too,

My grandma when she was alive and my mum now wouldn't ever not have Christmas with us.

I don't think your situation is unusual. All depends on distance, accomodation, costs, transport etc.

Our eldest son lives 7 hours drive time from us. Last Christmas, we were all together as we all went down to him. But he has a tiny house so we had to get a large holiday rental.

It was lovely but expensive of course. He has lived away from home 10 years at this distance. His partner's family are all local to them so it makes far more sense that they do always spend Christmas at their own home.

If they did travel up to see us, our house is full and they'd need to get accomodation. Plus the weather is a factor. Time off work. Etc. Just a lot for a day.

With my mum in law. She has 2 sons but only chooses to see us a Christmas. We are only ½ hour from her. Her other son is 3 hours away. And, similar to my own son, he has his wife's extended family all round where he lives so MIL would really need to go to him. She is 80 and doesn't want to travel.