AIBU to wonder if we are unusual in never seeing adult children at Christmas?

[SoNiceToComeHomeTo]

I'm reading so many threads about adult children struggling to fit in visits to their parents and inlaws over Christmas, or even bemoaning the fact that they'd like a change sometimes but feel they have an obligation to family.
We haven't had a Christmas with my SC for nearly 20 years now, and my DH especially is very sad about it. His DD (single, early forties) usually keeps her options open until the last minute, and if nothing better is offered goes to her Mum, who lives locally and always offers to pick her up. DS (married, no kids, mid forties) goes abroad most years and very occasionally to his Mum's.

They both have busy lives, and DS and DIL love travelling and hate the cold so I can see why they like to go away. But still - could they not have their annual holiday in the sun a couple of weeks later sometimes, and either invite us to stay with them or come to us for a couple of days? We live a few hours away so a day trip wouldn't be comfortable.
I don't think there is anything sinister behind it. We are on good terms with them, and don't want to put pressure on them to see us, or get needy about it, but we do miss seeing them at Christmas, Easter etc. When they were at school and uni they would come to us on Christmas day and we'd invite their Mum as well so that nobody got left out, but as they've got older they no longer think it's important, it seems.
Just wondering how unusual this situation is. I expect I am BU to mournfully feel that it is just us, but I'd like to know.

he was a terrible father, no emotional attachment to us, used to give my mum £7.50 a month maintenence, all the while getting remarried and building a successful business. As kids, we felt like a tick box exercise, not that he genuinely wanted to see us or invest time in building an actual relationship.

Sorry you had this to contend with, it sounds very grim.
Fortunately it wasn't like that for us. After the breakup DH spent two evenings a week with them at their home while his Ex worked late or went out, and they stayed with him (later us) every Friday night. This continued until the youngest was 15 and started to find it limited after-school social life. DH also went to every school/sport event and took them out at other times, and on holidays. We have only ever spoken to them positively about their Mum, and vice versa.
But - breakups are hard for kids, and me and their Mum's partner being in the picture certainly was not what the children wanted or would have chosen, so probably they are less family oriented than they might have been.

Another post sorry but I've realised my bil without fail every year is on holiday with his gf (inc easter and even birthdays) or is conveniently unwell. There is tension in the family, however I do think he should put more effort in as it's still his family. So it does work both ways.

Oh god each family is different - stop comparing yourself

I think it's unusual but I also think it shouldn't be.

I've never really understood why families on good terms who see each other regularly make a big deal about having to meet up at Christmas. I appreciate it makes sense for some families as that's when they all have time off so may be the only time in the year when they all get together, but it's increasingly not the case as people work different hours, or would like to spend the time doing something else. But surely the point is to see each other, and if you are doing that anyway, then it doesn't have to be at Christmas?

People not on good terms with their families (IME) tend to meet at Christmas as a duty visit and to "keep up appearances". I don't think that's something to be aspired to.

2 of my 3 DCs are spending Christmas elsewhere this year. It will feel odd but its not a major drama. We will catch up with them at some point. Just one stocking to hang from the mantlepiece.

We don’t do Christmas Day with any grandparents / parents because we have 4 sets and it always causes problems and guilt.

However we do visit everyone between Christmas Eve and throughout that week (but not Christmas Day itself!)

Hopefully our setup is OK.

(Each set expects us to drive to them though. Which between them is about 300 miles if you added it all up. It’s a lot for us to do)

Both DDs are in their 40s.DD2 and her partner do the one year with his family and the next with DP and me. DD1 has for years gone to her in-laws who have large trad family Xmases. It's more fun for their DCs apparently. It hurts.

I really cannot stand my DF, we have a pretty awful relationship but he's on his own as my DM died long ago. He's in his 90's and always come to us (we're a family of 5) I loathe him being here but there's no alternative. It's often tricky.

Tbh I don't think it's unusual. As a mum to adult kids, I'd love my adult kids "to come home" every Christmas. But I accept they have their own lives, some have their own families and some have "other sides " of family.

Tbh I came from a generation where every Sunday was an expectation that we'd be at sunday dinner every week, and that also we'd be at Christmas every year. It was a lot on us and we did feel "the weight" some years. I don't ever want my kids to be tied in any way, everyone should be entitled to live their own lives.

Of course I want to see them at some point over "the holiday " and I take the view that Christmas is not about 1 day. I don't know if when I'm 80 and I'm all alone on Christmas day, that I'll feel the way I do now...but atm my husband and I don't mind the quieter Christmases....we had all our beautiful children home, when they were young. We hope that they want to come back...but we want them to live their own lives.

I’m lucky in that we all live within 30 mins drive - although it does mean I don’t get a relaxing Xmas
For last few years DD her DH and DC come to me on Xmas eve for a meal, DP and DS come for lunch on Xmas day then we’ll go n visit my DM around 4/5 then over to DD home for the evening
DM comes to me Boxing Day and New Year’s Day and DB has her Xmas lunch and NYE
Ive not had a big family Xmas for years
Sometimes I would like to go away but think it would upset DM and adult DC, so my compromise is a winter sun holiday in January

Haven't done Christmas Dinner with my parents in over 20 years , had my own family and started my own tradition I do have mil every year since she became a widow. We are in the lucky position that we live local to each other as a family so we can pop in during the day. We see lots of each other throughout the year too .

I think it's fairly unusual. Do you see them much during the year?

Are they supportive? I would be thinking how you are going to manage in old age if they're not and get plans in place now.

We don't spend Christmas with parents. We live 3 hours away and don't like travelling that time of year. We have kids so we like to do our own Christmas, but tbh even if we didn't it's very unlikely we would spend it with (most) of our parents, we're just not that close most of the year so why would I spend the best time of year with people who are a smaller part of my life now? Sorry that's blunt, we see them at other times of the year.

Tell them but be open to having an Early Christmas.

They probably think you don't mind the current set up.

We have never spent Christmas with our adult son and his wife. They rent a cottage by the sea and go every year with her parents, her sister and her sister’s husband and children.
We don’t have the same kind of lifestyle (values, money, sport) as her family and can’t host them as we live in a tiny house. We are focused on culture and the environment while her family are quite different - very focused on ‘appearances’ and conspicuous consumption.
Now they have children I also think that’s it more fun for them as my DiL’s sister also has children so they can all have fun together.
It has upset me in the past, but I just accept it now and put it down to ‘a son is a son until he takes a wife. A daughter’s a daughter for the whole of her life.’ 🤷‍♀️

How much do you see them the rest of the year?

OP are you working or are you retired? A lot of older people seem to expect young people to come and visit them rather than the other way around but when you have worked a 40hr week and are tired often its quite a chore being expected to travel to visit older relatives. Especially if those older relatives are retired?
I think if you want to see them you have to make the effort to go more often.
If truth be told though it doesn't sound like the relationship is really there.
Have you thought about moving closer? If these are your only children why not move closer to where they are, whats keeping you where you are? Put seeing the kids more often, first

Perhaps Op, that as they don’t have children, they don’t really ‘rate’ Christmas as a holiday; maybe it’s more like an ideal time to relax?

They probably don’t realise that you see things differently.

I have lived abroad in the past with few options to come home for Christmas. DH & I do not have children. Although I missed my family, at times it was such a relief not to have to juggle my family vs his family over the festive period. And I missed that ‘freedom’ when we returned to the UK and familial expectations. It didn’t mean we did not love them.

“OP are you working or are you retired? A lot of older people seem to expect young people to come and visit them rather than the other way around but when you have worked a 40hr week and are tired often its quite a chore being expected to travel to visit older relatives”

This with bells on. Very much. Not one of our 8 parents in their early 70s (inc step parents) can be arsed to drive to us. But whinge if we don’t see them.

300 miles in total. It’s our precious annual leave too.

I think the thing that makes this unique is they don’t have children (so less pull for a traditional Christmas, maybe it makes them feel a bit sad, great time to go away) and these are stepchildren of yours (so there are 3, possibly 4 sets of parents to balance). I can see why without kids, it’s easier just to do their own thing than rotate through everyone every year.

That said, I’ve seen my mum and my MIL on Christmas once in probably 10 years (the same Christmas). Otherwise, we are always on our own and we host BIL/SIL at ours (who don’t see MIL on Christmas either).

My family is abroad and we are not close. MIL’s partner will not allow her to have us for Christmas or her to come to us, so she doesn’t. BIL/SIL come to ours in protest because they don’t want a miserable Christmas with MIL’s partner.

Why not arrange to have a big Christmas next year? Coordinate to have both couples come, invite their mum, invite some friends around who might not have anywhere to go. Make a big do of it.

We have spent Xmas day on our own for the past 28 years. I visit my parents regularly throughout the year, but we just like to relax on our own in our own house. 3/4 of us usually work on Boxing Day, so a relaxing day is important to us.

Perhaps because he assumes you’ll prioritise your mum, as you have done for the last 8 years? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Invite them both this year. Say that now you are that bit older the travel is too much for you both but you’d love to see them. Make it clear dad really wishes to see them for Christmas. You both sound so lovely and considerate x

I live away from all of my family and no one wants to actually ever see me. My siblings do not speak to me and won’t let me see my DN”s and DN’s, but I’m obliged to send gifts and cards to them and their families. I don’t currently know my DF’s address due to a messy divorce and he’s usually busy with my half siblings. I haven’t had a Christmas or birthday card since last year now from him. My step mum is still in contact. My mum lives close to my other siblings and sees them. there’s favourites in my family :((( we have lovely memories of mum coming to us one Christmas for a week about 12 years ago now. But nowadays we’ve lived in our home 6 years and she’s never even seen it. In other words I just wish someone wanted to see me one year :((((

I already said in my original comment, it's not that I was "prioritising my mum" all those years... for the first 4 or 5 of those years, at least one of them would have been a year I was due to spend with my mum anyway, another two of them would have been our turn to spend Christmas with DH's family (in another country, so no possibility of splitting it), and the remaining years he was either working away over Christmas or spending it with his wife's siblings. That leaves the last 3-4 years, 2 of which we spent with the in-laws, so that leaves about 2 years where I "prioritised my mum", mostly because she actually asked us about our plans and expressed an interest in joining us, whereas my dad didn't!

Obliged to give gifts to people who don't speak to you or see you? They can get to fuck surely?!!