AIBU to wonder if we are unusual in never seeing adult children at Christmas?

[SoNiceToComeHomeTo]

I'm reading so many threads about adult children struggling to fit in visits to their parents and inlaws over Christmas, or even bemoaning the fact that they'd like a change sometimes but feel they have an obligation to family.
We haven't had a Christmas with my SC for nearly 20 years now, and my DH especially is very sad about it. His DD (single, early forties) usually keeps her options open until the last minute, and if nothing better is offered goes to her Mum, who lives locally and always offers to pick her up. DS (married, no kids, mid forties) goes abroad most years and very occasionally to his Mum's.

They both have busy lives, and DS and DIL love travelling and hate the cold so I can see why they like to go away. But still - could they not have their annual holiday in the sun a couple of weeks later sometimes, and either invite us to stay with them or come to us for a couple of days? We live a few hours away so a day trip wouldn't be comfortable.
I don't think there is anything sinister behind it. We are on good terms with them, and don't want to put pressure on them to see us, or get needy about it, but we do miss seeing them at Christmas, Easter etc. When they were at school and uni they would come to us on Christmas day and we'd invite their Mum as well so that nobody got left out, but as they've got older they no longer think it's important, it seems.
Just wondering how unusual this situation is. I expect I am BU to mournfully feel that it is just us, but I'd like to know.

Is there a backstory OP regarding their upbringing
?
As kids, I went to my dad's house every other weekend. We used to alternate between Xmas and Boxing day with him. Despite keeping up his side of 'contact', he was a terrible father, no emotional attachment to us, used to give my mum £7.50 a month maintenence, all the while getting remarried and building a successful business. As kids, we felt like a tick box exercise, not that he genuinely wanted to see us or invest time in building an actual relationship.

As adults, my sibling and I both have kids, we live close to our father but I haven't spent Christmas with him since I was a child. We go for a coffee once a month or so but the relationship is very surface level for me, although I expect my dad thinks there is no issue.

Perhaps something similar here?

Can’t remember the last Christmas Day I spent with either of my parents (divorced). Possibly 20-24 years ago for either. Both do their own thing and not really interested in their kids and grandkids. DC have never spent Xmas day with anyone except us.

DH does the same… he doesn’t like Christmas with his parents; so he was always away for it over uni, experiencing it in different places or relaxing somewhere and maximising his annual leave. That meant he couldn’t be forced to go and see them, as he’d be away; and he loves to travel so it made it happier.

Since we’ve had DS, we’ve been home for Christmas but we don’t meet his parents on the day. When relationships were better, he’d see them the week before or so and swap presents; but in recent years things have deteriorated due to them being very pushy and overbearing, and now he doesn’t see them often at all, usually once a year around Feb.

I’m in my early-mid 30s and lots of my friends have put their parents off seeing them this year, I’m not sure if it’s a generational shift or a rebellion against the heavy family pressures after Covid, or just a cost of living/life stress thing, where it all seems too much. But you’re definitely not alone.

Could you do something else for Christmas, if they prefer spending it elsewhere, so it doesn’t feel like you’re sat waiting?

It feels naive to suggest inviting them would change much, to be honest, they’ll be very aware of all the family rhetoric around Christmas and they’re making their choice each year.

We never spend Christmas with my in-laws, not sure why really. We would have done last year but then my parents had a really really rough year so we spent it with them. In-laws have never invited us and we lived abroad for 10years (my parents would visit a few times a year including alternate Christmases and in laws never visited). I’d invite them but feel like as it’s DH’s dad it’s kind of up to him, we’re hosting my parents and my brother and his family this year. If we don’t see my family on Christmas Day itself we always do something together around the holidays. My brother and SIL alternate his and her parents

so I think it’s highly unusual never to see adult children over Christmas but then for my DH and his dad that seems to now be normal

It is quite sad you never see them but if your ds wants to be away that's his prerogative, I went away last Xmas specifically because I wanted to be away for Xmas. Not a couple of weeks before or after. With your dd, it sounds more like logistics. If you lived closer than a few hours away and she could pop over and spend the day and go home or stay one night, you would likely see her more. I wouldn't really want to be travelling a few hours home on boxing day and wouldn't want to be staying away a few nights (24th - 27th).

@jezlifecoach

I’ll take the same view when they’re in a care home at Christmas alone and I’ll jet off on my hols lol!

There is not much 'alone' about being in a care home. This is the first year of my elderly relative being in a home and I have never felt so relieved tbh. I'm looking forward to a worry free Christmas knowing they are safe and taken care of where they are. The leading years have been very difficult, a care home turned out to be the blessing.

Mine are away this year, my two are overseas, his youngest is choosing to be home with her partner just the 2 of them. We will have my dsd who has ld's though that is a care task!

We (50s) invariably host… usually my dad or MIL. I have a DB and DH has 2 siblings…and we all take our turn. This year we are “free” and I’d prefer to be abroad but DH is on call so we will be at home hosting SIL and BIL. I don’t think we’ve ever been to my dads or PILs for Xmas. I think we’ve got it about right.

Obviously there could be an underlying issue as to why they don't come but just as possible as there's not a (negative)reason, ie they like to spend it abroad.
Would the ex wife be on her own if DD didn't go or is she in a new relationship?

When I first read it I didn't think negative issues. It felt like the SC were comfortable and happy to do their own thing believing that parents were OK with that.

Lots of people feel obliged to turn up at parents' homes, even though it's not what they want, as can be seen on other posts. When we changed our family christmas' there was a bit if kick back and we now might visiting one or both families, them coming to us, or us being just ourselves.

I'd put the offer out each yr. Everyone welcome, not necessarily on Christmas , would anyone like to meet etc.

BTW we have family who do go abroad every christmas. They both have closures at work and it means they don't have to touch their holidays or take the kids out of school, and they get sunshine! !

Yes, that is unusual. But if you aren't inviting them anymore then that won't change. Keep inviting them, when they say no offer an alternative.

My in laws go abroad for a month over Xmas and then complain we don't see them 🤷

Not all people without children are like this - but some are.

Sounds like they are both stuck in the role in their family of origin where they subconsciously prioritise what they want and don't feel any sense of responsibility to ensuring others have a nice time, even if it means they don't get to do what they want.

Most of us realise as our parents get older, usually Christmas becomes a day of quite hard work. It can be joyful too but for the middle generation, they are making it nice for children and older folk too, who also often have needs that are in tension with one another!

Your children are still like teenagers. I used to bloody love going down for Christmas, get a nice meal, relax, or maybe don't go, take the opportunity of a holiday instead... I just thought about me. But then I had children and had to facilitate their day and grandparents seeing them at Christmas too.

Now even when the youngest leave home, I wouldn't be able to forget the needs of granny and dad and auntie so and so. It's ingrained !

I say again, of course many people without children clock onto this themselves. I was a bit dumb and only realised I had responsibility in my family, and had been the beneficiary of others' hard work, when I had kids myself.

You may have to actually say that it would mean a lot to you and ask how you could make some time together that you would both enjoy. And listen to them - they may be saying they don't like dad's rigidity around watching TV from 3pm, or they would rather eat out than cook, etc etc - just try and have an honest conversation where your needs are stated.

I haven't seen my mum at Christmas for over 10 years. She makes a big deal of hating Christmas, we used to invite her to come to us but she never has. Christmas with her would be miserable for us all, so we just leave her to be a grinch. It's v sad, this is likely yo be her last Christmas.

My ExH and I are divorced.

My DS goes away every Christmas largely I think to stop and potential arguments about who goes where for christmas.

This does not bother me and I usually see him at New Year.

I spend Christmas with my elderly mum which I do not enjoy but Christmas is very important to her and in general I don't want to leave her on her own (I had to one year due to a family emergency and she was very upset).

I go away in February.

I don't enjoy Christmas nor do I expect to.

Think you’ve provided a bit of a drip feed - you do see them in the run up to Christmas. Maybe if you want them to come it would be helpful to actually talk to them about it?

That is so sad. Your poor Dad 😢

Mine (and my in-laws) don't like Christmas. Every time a relative dies my mum gets grumpier and grumpier about it. However we do usually see one set for say 2 nights around the 27th and the other at New Year. It's a lot of travel though as they are 200 miles away in different directions.

Before we had DS we did my parents, DH's, then home on a rotation. Now we won't go anywhere for the actual day. DS wants to be at home in his PJs with presents.

I'd like to offer a counter perspective, as someone without children. I have a brother and a cousin, brother is overseas and cousin has children.

For years, we all did Christmas with our immediate family, boxing day together and a family new year party. As the only girl, so much of the preparation for this fell on me (and other women), and the boys did sweet F all. Despite the fact I was doing a full time PhD and full time work, and they had less commitments on their time than me. Cousins baby was born in 2022 and suddenly they do it all with their nuclear family (absolutely fine and completely respect that). Brother then packs up and moves overseas and makes no effort to come back home. So last year, I was newly engaged, but because I have no children (infertile), there was extra pressure on me to come up and take up this role - which none of the boys have ever had to fill. Despite the fact I live three hours away and have my own life, and no-one comes to visit me there as much as I visit home (monthly). This year, we've just bought our own home, so I've decided to just do christmas by ourselves (partners parents are divorced so its always a task). But because we don't have children, this decision is looked down upon. When are we allowed to have a christmas to ourselves and away from the family drama? I can't make my womb work and it seems like either that, or moving the other side of the world, or being a man, are the only ways in which I can escape that pressure.

Why was Christmas at yours but mum got an invite? Was Christmas at hers some years when they were growing up too?

Is their mum single? If so I can see why they prioritise her

Did DH see them at Christmas when they were younger though? My parents separated and we never had Christmas with Dad (his doing), so despite being on reasonable terms now as an adult, it’s not something I’d particularly push for.

To be fair, he never asks me what I'm doing either.

We don’t spend Xmas with my parents because my mother is a stress head and my dad drank too much - I thought we all deserved better than to spend a day in tension. Dh’s mother does not celebrate Xmas. We’ve quite enjoyed not having the fuss.

I would love to see my adult children (and grandchildren) at Christmas. I am happy to host them all, or it would be wonderful to be invited to them. I'm hoping one will be coming to us this year - we have only once been invited for Christmas and that ended up being at our house due to building works.

We have made the best of Christmas on our own by going away for a few days, but I wasn't well enough to do anything last year (cancer treatment) and if we do end up being on our own this year we can't go away this time.

In my very humble opinion.... It's no fun without family.

You need to take more control. I appreciate you invited them before and they've said no so you stopped but circumstances change. You can't be upset no one wants to spend time with you if you don't proactively try. And now too before they have an excuse that they've made plans.

I don't want to sound rude but is your version of Christmas different to theirs? Some families enjoy watching TV most of the day which others could find a waste of time & faffing in the kitchen! (Not preparing in advance), others go for a walk, play games. Some even go out to a restaurant. Could you think about what they might enjoy and do things they would enjoy?

I say this because you sound similar to my inlaws. We go to theirs every few years but it is hard. We don't see mil as she's stressing over food and everyone else sits in front of the TV. We could be watching TV at home. However, when we've controlled the situation by taking games or suggesting a walk it's been a lovely day.

Yes I'm wondering if they don't realise how important it is to you and your DH to see them.
I understand he doesn't want to aem needy but at the same time he might need to spell it out and risk feeling needy in order to communicate how he feels properly.

No one's getting younger here, I think it's worth taking the plunge and spelling it out to them..
Surely the Dil can visit your area once for her DH to see his parents.

Or ask for an invite to stay at theirs a few nights for a one off family Christmas.

Good luck op x

I think often when people get to an age where they can't easily manage the drive to adult children, thats when they often move nearer them

Is that an option?

When you were younger and more able to travel, did you go to them?

I do know lots of adult children like this - but they are primarily the ones with divorced parents. Divorce can weaken family bonds, DC often have less relationship, particularly if there's a parent they don't live with. Everyone is less willing to make effort as a result.