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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to wonder if we are unusual in never seeing adult children at Christmas?

129 replies

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 07/11/2024 23:44

I'm reading so many threads about adult children struggling to fit in visits to their parents and inlaws over Christmas, or even bemoaning the fact that they'd like a change sometimes but feel they have an obligation to family.
We haven't had a Christmas with my SC for nearly 20 years now, and my DH especially is very sad about it. His DD (single, early forties) usually keeps her options open until the last minute, and if nothing better is offered goes to her Mum, who lives locally and always offers to pick her up. DS (married, no kids, mid forties) goes abroad most years and very occasionally to his Mum's.

They both have busy lives, and DS and DIL love travelling and hate the cold so I can see why they like to go away. But still - could they not have their annual holiday in the sun a couple of weeks later sometimes, and either invite us to stay with them or come to us for a couple of days? We live a few hours away so a day trip wouldn't be comfortable.
I don't think there is anything sinister behind it. We are on good terms with them, and don't want to put pressure on them to see us, or get needy about it, but we do miss seeing them at Christmas, Easter etc. When they were at school and uni they would come to us on Christmas day and we'd invite their Mum as well so that nobody got left out, but as they've got older they no longer think it's important, it seems.
Just wondering how unusual this situation is. I expect I am BU to mournfully feel that it is just us, but I'd like to know.

OP posts:
Flumoxed · 07/11/2024 23:49

Do you invite them every year or are you hoping they will invite you? If they can't come on the day, can't you just pick another day and do Christmas with them then? Very least maybe suggest meeting in the middle for a Sunday roast or something.

jezlifecoach · 07/11/2024 23:56

My in laws go on holiday over Christmas every year. I jest that they abandon their son and don’t care about him but my mum loves coming to spend Christmas with us. We always invite the in laws but they say that spending Christmas in England is boring.

Wordau · 07/11/2024 23:59

Do you actually invite them and say how much you'd love to see them?

I do think it's quite unusual yes. Most people I know will see family at Christmas or at least around it, some of the time. Is there any back story?

We don't always want to travel so will sometimes have Christmas at home just us. The travel is stressful. But we know time with our parents is limited, they won't be around forever and it's nice to spend special occasions together.

Godoit · 08/11/2024 00:01

It's unusual yes. Have you ever invited them?

PermanentTemporary · 08/11/2024 00:03

Yes I would say it's unusual. I tear my hair out trying to visit all my elders at Christmas and conversation from about mid November among all my friends is based on who's seeing who when, with all the complexities of multi blended families and increasingly crumbly relatives being covered. Tbh I would be OK not seeing ds at Christmas but I would certainly consider it unusual if it never happened.

I have to say that my father in law gets an extremely raw deal every single year. Hoping that this year might be the one time his eldest child steps up.

HermoinePotter · 08/11/2024 00:04

Our children are grown up and have their own lives. We would never expect them to spend Christmas day with us but we do catch up with each of them in the weeks leading up to Christmas, they all have busy jobs and some work over Christmas so the days of us all being together are long gone. We really enjoy our relaxed Christmas day just the two of us after years of hosting. I don’t think it’s unusual at all.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 08/11/2024 00:08

Flumoxed · 07/11/2024 23:49

Do you invite them every year or are you hoping they will invite you? If they can't come on the day, can't you just pick another day and do Christmas with them then? Very least maybe suggest meeting in the middle for a Sunday roast or something.

We used to invite them each year but after they said a couple of times that they'd be away, we gradually realised that this would be happening be every year, and stopped mentioning it. We go down for the day a couple of weeks before Christmas and take them out for lunch, or maybe dinner and stay a night with them. But it is a long way especially in bad weather and we are not as robust as we were, and it is a big thing to do at that time of year. They don't want to come to us, at least DIL doesn't because she doesn't like the area where we live. DS puts her wishes first, which we understand.
I don't want to start moaning about this, BTW! They have the right to do as they wish, and it's great that we are in their lives although not in a very central position.
I really wanted to know how common this problem is.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 08/11/2024 00:09

Can you meet somewhere in the middle?

AnonymouseQuestion · 08/11/2024 00:11

Very unusual I’d say. Every one I know with living parents in the same country strives to see their parents over the Christmas period and have a celebratory day even if that can’t be bang on Christmas Day itself.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 08/11/2024 00:14

Godoit · 08/11/2024 00:01

It's unusual yes. Have you ever invited them?

Yes, every year until we realised that going abroad would be an annual even for them.

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 08/11/2024 00:15

crumblingschools · 08/11/2024 00:09

Can you meet somewhere in the middle?

That's an idea, we could ask them. But we can't manage the drive so it still means a long train journey, and it is almost as easy to go on all the way to them once we are on the train. It's non-stop for most of the journey.

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 08/11/2024 00:17

jezlifecoach · 07/11/2024 23:56

My in laws go on holiday over Christmas every year. I jest that they abandon their son and don’t care about him but my mum loves coming to spend Christmas with us. We always invite the in laws but they say that spending Christmas in England is boring.

Edited

The older generation are taking on the role of going somewhere more exiting in your family!

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 08/11/2024 00:18

Have you explained that travel is hard for you now?

NewName24 · 08/11/2024 00:19

Yes, I think it is pretty unusual, given the fact you get on well enough.

WhichSock · 08/11/2024 00:24

We alternate - my parents one year, DH’s parents the next, and so on. Whichever parents we don’t see on Christmas Day, we see on Boxing Day (usually).

jezlifecoach · 08/11/2024 00:26

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 08/11/2024 00:17

The older generation are taking on the role of going somewhere more exiting in your family!

I’ll take the same view when they’re in a care home at Christmas alone and I’ll jet off on my hols lol!

Cookiesandcream1989 · 08/11/2024 00:34

Hmmm... you've just made me realise I haven't spent Christmas with my dad in about 8 years... :/ Like you, we get on well... Before I got married I used to alternate between my mum and dad, but then I suppose there were a few years when things didn't line up to see my dad, as me and DH alternate between his family and mine, and my dad alternates between his parents and his wife's family, and he also works on alternate Christmases, so there were several years where we couldn't see each other at Christmas, and then I just got out of the habit of asking him when making plans, and just automatically planned to see my mum instead! I'll have to ask him what he's doing this year and hopefully see him boxing day at least.

I think your DH should invite his kids round again... maybe they just don't think he's bothered about Christmas after all these years!

VegTrug · 08/11/2024 00:43

That’s awful. Poor kids (adults, obviously but ‘poor adults’ sounds odd)

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 08/11/2024 00:48

Cookiesandcream1989 · 08/11/2024 00:34

Hmmm... you've just made me realise I haven't spent Christmas with my dad in about 8 years... :/ Like you, we get on well... Before I got married I used to alternate between my mum and dad, but then I suppose there were a few years when things didn't line up to see my dad, as me and DH alternate between his family and mine, and my dad alternates between his parents and his wife's family, and he also works on alternate Christmases, so there were several years where we couldn't see each other at Christmas, and then I just got out of the habit of asking him when making plans, and just automatically planned to see my mum instead! I'll have to ask him what he's doing this year and hopefully see him boxing day at least.

I think your DH should invite his kids round again... maybe they just don't think he's bothered about Christmas after all these years!

We invite DD each year but get advance notice from DS that he’ll be away. They may think he doesn’t mind, now you mention it. But he doesn’t want to get all needy.

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 08/11/2024 00:48

VegTrug · 08/11/2024 00:43

That’s awful. Poor kids (adults, obviously but ‘poor adults’ sounds odd)

Sorry who are the poor kids??

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 08/11/2024 06:55

Lots of businesses close over the Christmas period and therefore enforce taking leave. To have the Christmas break and then go away a few weeksater uses a lot more annual leave, so it makes sense for the son & DIL to go at Christmas.

Maybe suggest a family holiday at Christmas?

Rocknrollstar · 08/11/2024 07:06

We never spent Christmas Day with either set or f parents but saw them sometime that week. We now go away every Christmas and see DS and his family before and after the trip. It’s just a day when no one is at work and everyone should spend it how they prefer.

escape · 08/11/2024 07:23

It's really interesting to read other people's set up. Our circs are changing now as our kids are older.

My 23 Yr old DD has just moved in with her partner. Last year they were both at ours and previously were at his parents. This year they are both 'going home' seperately as they prefer their 'own' Christmas set up! 19 Yr old son is going to his Girlfriends which saddens me but fair enough. I appreciate this is all for the changing in many ways in years to come.

What has saddened me for the past 15 years we have lived in the same area is that we have never been invited to my Fathers house on Christmas day. I've never said this out loud because I fully respect everyone's personal choices etc, and there are 5 of us etc, but they have the space and various members of his wife's family are always invited. The kids have all been children over this period too, so I just feel sad that there is a clear thought process of Christmas Day being exclusively 'her' family.
.

Oreyt · 08/11/2024 07:24

I'm 40.

Never not had it with my mum and sister. Brother goes away quite a lot at Christmas though.

rwalker · 08/11/2024 07:29

I never really given it any thought but I’ve got friends who absolutely worship there parents and make an effort to see grandparents as say they won’t be here forever
but they go abroad every Christmas and have done for years