To wonder how I’m perceived as a bigger woman after the previous thread?

[Threecactusplants]

After reading the previous thread about weight and how posters are always thinking about their weight (even when they are size 10 or 12!) which to me is crazy.
I used to be very slim as a child, in my teens and early 20s.
Since having my son I have ended up at a size 20/22. I am consistently that size and have been since he was born 6 years ago.
I don’t know exactly how much I weigh , but it’s around 16 stone and I’m 5’7.
I’m pretty comfortable with my weight, I don’t really think about it much. I don’t think I’m unattractive and I dress for my size. Lots of cord pinafore dresses, tights and boots are my go to. Also wide leg trousers, midi dresses and skirts. I have good boobs and a (big) bum 😂 I have a c section pouch which I’m not keen on, but that’s what comes with a 9lb baby I guess! My DH and I have great sex (sorry if TMI!)

After reading that thread, I’m wondering what people think of me when they see me around, for example I’m in a cafe now, having a coffee and a breakfast. It never bothered me before much; but after reading that thread I’m pretty taken aback!

I’m overweight, know I am, and actively choose not to diet or do anything about it.

I’m alright with it, and to be honest can’t be bothered living off salad when I could eat what I want, and be fine with the body I’m in. I’m aware I’m creating it, and I’m good with that.

People won't think one single thing about a woman of your size.

Sometimes, I will see a very, very, very large person and I do think oh my god.. but I mean, the kind of person you see on TV shows etc, not people who can still buy clothes from mainstream stores.

I'm the same size as you and also feel self conscious. But I don't look at other people.

What thread are you talking about

why did seeing that woman make you think about your own brilliant mental health? I can’t see the connection.

You’re overweight but not overweight enough for anyone to particularly notice. So if I was sitting near you in the cafe I wouldn’t notice you at all, unless I especially liked your outfit or handbag or whatever. But if someone asked me to describe the appearance of the people in the cafe, I would probably include the word “overweight” in the description of you.

Honestly, I don’t even think about my own weight and I never have. I have been an old school 10 and a modern day 16 (now a solid 14) so I definitely don’t care how fat or thin other women are.
I notice lovely clothes, good skin, nice hair and general shape. It feels more important to look healthy than thin I think.
Sometimes I think I have a reverse body dysmorphia in that I look at myself in my pants and go “damn girl, looking good!” and I don’t really give a shit what anyone else thinks, as long as I can do my jeans up.
Just make sure you can run up a few flights of stairs with no bother and you’re grand.

I disagree, I have an underweight BMI but I very much look just slim/curvy! I even had people telling me how healthy I looked recently and talking to me about how their other friends are so skinny they feel the need to diet, which made me think hold on I’m not one of the skinny friends! I think I only start to look skinny when I have a BMI of around 15-16 so it varies wildly person to person!

Presumably because someone that thin is unlikely to be in a good place mentally. They would either have an eating disorder, or a serious physical health problem, which would make them pretty miserable. The poster was counting her blessings.

Hmm, I have a “very thin” friend. She has cystic fibrosis. Her mental health is great. Despite random strangers assuming that she has an eating disorder or mental health difficulties.

At one stage I was a BMI of 24 during Covid and felt very chunky. {5foot 8 and 11stone}

Now it's 21 and I really don't want to go above this.

But as regards other people - I only notice if they are very obese and it is actually affecting me - eg, if they are pushing me out of a seat so I'm sitting on just a few centimetres of seat on a bus or train.

Otherwise no.

This. I constantly berate myself for being bigger than I ‘should’ be, but give zero hoots about anyone else who is bigger. I would probably look at you OP and think ‘she’s got a nice bum’ 😅

@BambALamb that might be true for a few younger people? Weight restored eating disorder patients usually fit into the normal BMI though. If you aren't eating abnormally and have no issues, you might just have a petite frame, but most people at BMI 15 would be firmly in the eating disorders categorisation, it's a blunt instrument, but I have to tell you a BMI of 15 is not in any way standard at any age. See below: (you can also have an eating disorder such as bulimia and be a standard or overweight BMI):

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8837073/#:~:text=Defining%20severity%20in%20anorexia%20nervosa,between%2015%20and%2015.9)%2C%20and

Defining severity in anorexia nervosa (AN) is a significant challenge, therefore in 2013, the DSM-5 [1]—in line with the new specifiers for mental disorders—introduced body mass index (BMI) specifiers, including mild (i.e., BMI ≥ 17), moderate (i.e., BMI between 16 and 16.9), severe (i.e., BMI between 15 and 15.9), and extreme (BMI < 15).

I'm slim, but not skinny (size 8/10). Day to day, I think about my own body changes, but I only notice other people's bodies if they are very under or over weight or very athletic/ built.

To add, I really don't give other people's bodies much thought tbh.

Those BMI statistics are really interesting because I previously had a BMI of 14 at 18/19 and my friend said that’s not that low/no medical professional was concerned but that puts me into the extreme category! Gosh my bones must be very light!

@BambALamb If you are between 17 and 18.5 BMI, that would indeed be slim and not problematic, especially if you eat normally, but I just didn't want people to think a BMI of 15/16 is ok for the vast majority of people.

I'm a bit over-sensitive about this, one of my children has had an ED and at under 17 BMI they looked extremely underweight in a way that was noticeable to everyone else around them. Social media, and also norms coming from other cultures (e.g. weights and BMIs relevant to say petite frames on Chinese and Asian social media) is making us not recognise when some young women are already in very deep in ED territory.

I'm 5"6 and bang-on 10 stone. I'll take a size 8 or 10 in clothes depending on brand and style. Generally I'm happy with my weight/appearance and it's something I put effort into maintaining through diet and exercise. More importantly, I'm fit and active which I enjoy the feeling of.

I am aware of other people's size, because it's something I prioritise in my own life, but mainly alongside other factors. For example, if someone is a bit larger but confident in themselves (which I think you can generally pick up on through clothes and body language) I'll not perceive their size in a negative way, more - just as others have said - as a neutral characteristic about them. If someone was especially large, I would be aware of it in a sympathetic way in that there must be a psychological, health or lifestyle reason holding them back from being physically healthy and being able to live life to the fullest. If someone was especially underweight, I'd have a similar perception.

The only time I'm judgemental inwardly of someone's weight is where I see them actively making unhealthy choices but also then complaining about their weight. I know someone who will happily have regular takeaways and large desserts but also often complain about how they don't know why they can't lose weight. They are out of breath at any set of stairs and talk of never having any energy, but will also take any escalator/lift available for even just a single floor and drive even distances that would be a 10 min walk. I filter my outward reaction though as rationally I know it's none of my business.

@CortieTat yep when we lived in Copenhagen I saw far less hugely overweight people- male and female, although I saw plenty around my 16/18 amongst women over 50 .saw incredibly few very large younger people or kids - same when we went to Sweden- which we did a lot. I think excercise is part of it- was a lot more 'outdoorsy'. Used to see school kids frequently out in a school day doing outdoorsy things.Lots of people cycled a lot, and eating and drinking out is expensive so it seemed to me people did less of it on a regular basis. Coffee and cake was a big thing in Sweden ( fika if I remember correctly) but I used to see lots 'sharing ' - again I see less of that here.

It's not unusual to be your size. I wouldn't think much of it. I suppose if i was put on the spot and had to form an opinion ie if someone said describe this lady - do you mean the skinny one.., I might say a plus size/curvy woman , dresses well, is pretty (if you are).

I call bullshit on most of these responses.
Of course people notice eachother. Women particularly.
And no-one is happy about sitting next to a large person on a train or plane.

@BambALamb BMI is a bit of a blunt tool, and also I think not very culture sensitive, as I say, there are certain ethnic groups that run with much higher or much lower BMIs especially in their teen years and are perfectly healthy- I did a study on this and it also differs according to when puberty and full adult development actually stops, so you get some young women aged 16 who are basically adult BMI and some who are still very childlike, which is why there's a separate child BMI scale.

Sorry it's complex. I didn't mean to suggest you have any issues, if you eat normally. Weight-restricting in low BMI girls though is very common, and shouldn't be normalized. If any worries, you can see the GP.

Your friends commenting on the 'skinniness' of very very slim people around you is probably giving you a weird reference point!

I have told my ED daughter to get off social media as it is incredibly and pervasively body dysmorphic in all kinds of ways. I don't think unless you have seen it you can know how weird and abnormal this constant 'body checking' and valorisation of very very low weights is on there.

Can someone put a link to that thread please?

Don't give it a nano seconds thought. You are happy, you have a good relationship and your confident. It's no one else's business !

Yes of course people notice each other ie of course we notice someone is slimmer or larger than average or has ginger hair or exceptionally long hair or a beard etc..
But are we judging everyone all the time based on their weight?- That's a personal thing.

Now I'm normal size, I'm quite intolerant of very large people encroaching on my space; but mainly because when I was huge I did everything in my power to avoid being seated near people. Paid more for aisle seats, paid for individual seats on trains etc, avoided restaurants with booths. I wasn't so huge that I couldn't fit in a winged chair, but it wasn't comfortable. I went to a concert in March, and a woman sat next to me and was easily bigger than I was before. I wouldn't have cared or noticed but she was taking up some of my seat, elbowing me. In a way I felt sorry for her as she can't have felt comfortable, but I was absolutely livid that my seat and personal space were being encroached. So yes I agree: if someone's size is directly impacting me then I notice. But we are talking really big people. The OP isn't as big as that.

@BambALamb there's also a lot of content on social media which is not 'about' eating disorders, but is about things that seem healthy and nice, like great recipes, trying on new clothes, but is a way of promoting or showing off the very very underweight body of the influencer for comments. I had no idea how toxic and awful this social media is (Insta, TikTok) until my dd showed me, even if you try to avoid the worst of it, it's feeding into our dds minds all the time and making them worse. I have three friends with dd's with ED too.