To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

I can’t believe that not having a cleaner is better than having one. Surely you have to tidy anyway, regardless of whether it’s you or someone you employ who’s cleaning? Are they “taking the piss” or is your house really still as dirty when they’ve finished as when they started?

@JollyPinkFox happy to disagree with you too.

Get a good cleaner. Mine are the best! Post on your local Facebook community board or WhatsApp group saying exactly what you need and get recommendations. find a good one and it will change your life!

That’s where the other ones came from @Aliciainwunderland ! Never again!

Take some time off, stress is a valid reason, maybe you can recuperate enough to actually tackle things with your husband.

He is not sharing the load and if you can't come to an agreement about who does what, then frankly you would probably be better off without him as currently he's just an extra body in the house.

Listening to your updates OP, you don't seem to want to do anything to help the situation. You can't have it all ways, something has to give.

Exactly. He can apply for Flexible Working Arrangements like his wife did.

He's happy to just throw up his hands and say 'sorry! Can't help: busy! work!'
He's also happy to watch his wife run herself into the ground, while he does fuck all to help.

Oh no! I’m sorry! I honestly couldn’t cope without ours. My husband and I agree that we will exist on beans on toast before getting rid of the cleaners. I would say don’t give up - keep asking friends, neighbours until you find a gem. Mine just cleaned out my fridge without me asking them to and I could cry with happiness. I have toddlers and pets and it feels like I clean all the time but no idea why they can do it so much Better than me

work is not your problem. And you don’t sound sick. You sound as if fitting family life and work isn’t good for you right now.

so make a decision, no judgment on whether you work or not, but don’t claim sick pay when you are not sick.

It was explained.

Listen OP, you don't sound well to me. And I feel like you somehow need permission to admit that, and to cut yourself some slack.

If you are crying all the time, anxious and exhausted then what you probably have is anxiety or depression.
And if you need to go off sick to get that sorted then that is what you should do.
During that time, see your GP. See if they recommend something to take the edge off. Talk to your DP about a short, mid and long term plan and see what's doable.

Don't make any decisions about work until
You feel slightly more on an even keel.

But do give yourself permission to acknowledge that things are not right, and if you carry on as you are, they will get worse.

For all those saying the OP should not go off sick as she is not sick. Well, it sounds to me like she is close to meeting criteria for burnout which absolutely is a reason to be off sick.

I want to enjoy them and enjoy the time we have together. A big source of stress is both of them together and I know once my older one starts school this will help.

But you don't sound like you are enjoying the time you have with them. Be honest with yourself. Maybe like a pp said, try putting them in childcare for an extra day when you aren't working to catch up on stuff at home.

I totally get you with the cleaner thing OP and you've had some really unfair replies.

Talk to your GP, and your husband is being an arse. If he were a single parent he'd have to find a way to make it work, so on the days you're working he needs to find a way to do 50% of the lifts etc, or equivalent. More, if you are a teacher.

Could you do your part time over 5 days? Later start/early finish: easier to do nursery drop off/pickup.
You also need to tell your DH to contribute equally to the housework/child duties. Not « try to have a conversation » but ask him what he prefers, being in charge of laundry or cooking? Food shop or cleaning? Either he picks or you alternate every week.
How come he has to be out of the house so early / come back so late? Any flexibility on that? My DH sometimes logs on early morning from home then does school drop off and goes to the office. Or could he start earlier/finish earlier to be able to do pickup?

On the other hand, taking sick leave just because you are stressed with normal parent’s duties or because you can’t be assertive with your DH would be a disgrace. Imagine we all did that, who would pay?

Agree with other posters who have said go back to work full time and send your children to nursery full time. Housework, pick ups/drop offs, etc split 50:50. If that means your DH has to change jobs to something closer to home/arrange flexi hours to accommodate, so be it.
FGS do not give up your job/career.

Not really.

What the OP said was that his office days were long and he couldn't do pick ups and drop offs.

But he has a WFH day on a day when she isn't working

Which isn't really how most couples would set this up. Most couples would have the WFH day on a day when it could help with pick ups and drop offs

@sometimesiwantto

YWBU to go off sick, and I think it would be a bad move to stop working as then you'd be completely reliant on your dh.

My dh and I went through a similar bad patch with respect to being able to communicate properly, and we found that couple's counselling really helped us to listen to what the other person was actually saying rather than being defensive and hearing something entirely different. It took about 6-10 sessions, but we saw improvements almost straight away, although some things were obviously hard to hear.

Is that something you'd both be prepared to do, not to assign blame (if that's his worry), but to work together to find a solution?
My dh was anti counselling at first, but I made it clear that it was this or we'd be ending up divorced, so he did go along with it, and he will now recommend counselling to anyone struggling as it really helped us.

I also agree with putting them in nursery the days you're off (as it sounds like they're only in nursery on the days you are at work) or if it's cheaper, getting in a cleaner to help for a few hours a week.

Being very organised can also help, as well as learning to let some things slide.
Put things in place to make cleaning or tidying easier, eg, toy box in all rooms so they can just be thrown in there at night.
Break jobs up to make best use of your time, eg, I clean the bathroom last thing at night when I'm already in there cleaning my teeth, etc, so once I'm done with my nightly ablutions, I then wipe down sink, clean toilet, etc, and it only takes 10-15 mins at most.
So, rather than trying to find 1 or 2 hrs a day to clean just look for 10-15 mins when you can add something onto what you're already doing..so quick tidy of dc room when you're getting them dressed, etc.

Anyway, good luck 👍🏼 but don't go off sick.

Putting the kids in nursery more - no, I honestly feel they do enough hours in childcare. I want to enjoy them and enjoy the time we have together

@sometimesiwantto I would urge you to consider additional time in nursery. But, if you choose not to, then I think you need to own your choices. I were your employer / colleague, I'd be very unimpressed if you claimed to be unwell / needing to be signed off when you're choosing not to follow an obvious solution to your problems

No, he works from home when I am working @kiraric

Any changes to my hours couldn’t kick in until next September anyway so even if I wanted to go full time or more part time or spread my days I couldn’t do that for ten months anyway.

Hi op, I work full time with one toddler in nursery full time. It’s the hardest thing and we didn’t have a second child because of this.
I felt like you last year, I went to the doctor and they did full bloods. I was very low in multiple vitamins and suffering from post natal anxiety and depression which I didn’t think was possible 2 years post partum. It’s not always that you can’t cope, it can be an actual illness or problem that a doctor can help with. Suggest you talk to your GP as a starting point.
It is normal to feel stressed and overwhelmed, it’s not normal to feel so terrible that you are crying every day. Please seek help.

@sometimesiwantto i read only your first post; your follow up post about feeling on edge and tearful at work does sound like stress.

maybe speak to your GP and take their advice before reaching a decision.

It’s difficult isn’t it? My DH and I are both doctors. He works full time and I work 80% (4 days a week but still long days, nights, weekends etc) and it is HARD WORK! They go to nursery 4 days and on my “day off” I’m looking after them. We share drop off and pick up but I still feel like I work full time because I’m always having to go in early or stay up late to do my letters/admin etc. Mine are 3 and 1. I keep hearing it gets easier and so I keep waiting for that. In general the house is pretty tidy because they are so tired after nursery but I have come to accept clean mess and I’ll put toys away once they are asleep. It will get better

This is partly why I couldn't run a business. CF employees.

Oh so why doesn't he do the nursery runs that day?