To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

I guess because the nursery is close to my workplace. For him to do it it involves driving there then doubling back twice a day so an hours drive in total (it’s about fifteen minutes away) while for me it’s only about half an hour which I’d be doing anyway. But I do regret that setup now because of course it’s made the nursery very much my responsibility.

But she is not doing anything to get better. Let’s say she goes off sick for a month, it will just start again once she goes back to work.

And add the fact that she is choosing not to use nursery more because she doesn’t want to! Instead you are advising her to ask taxpayers to pay for her choice… Including taxpayers who themselves need to have their children in nursery, surly it is fair that they pay OP not to have to do the same…

I agree with this.

You should be sharing the drops offs and picks. You say he can't do that because of the work distance but if he works at home one day could he do both drop off and pick up on that day so you can work longer hours and catch up? Even the day he is working can't he move his hours so he do a drop off or pick up. I used to commute 45 miles each way so some distance and that is how we worked it.

Your DH needs to pick up the slack, not you and certainly not your employer. Attitudes like yours damage women's career opportunities.

Change nursery then.
Honestly there are so many changes you could do.

I’m perplexed at all the people stating OP should not go off sick. Stress, mental health difficulties and burn out are all legitimate reasons to take time off work.

OP I think you need a break to re-group and discuss how to best move forwards. Could you take annual leave and then see how you feel? You can self certify if you’re off sick for up to a week without needing a Drs note too. You don’t want to regret handing in your notice but if that’s what you decide to do then you certainly won’t be the first person to go off sick during their notice period! Prioritise yourself as employers only look out for themselves.

A 15 minute drive is nothing at all.

She is only stressed because of the way she is choosing to do things.

Pretty shoddy behaviour towards your employer
You could just give three months notice, so they would have plenty of time to get a new recruit, and your job would be easier as the new person learns to do it, AND you would be seen as a very considerate person for giving so much warning
Alternatively, you might find that you are valued, and changes could be made to help you
By sneaking off "sick" you just dump your employer in the crud AND they have to pay you while you're not there, cover your work, and don't know you're quitting at the end of the year

It's only 15 mins - I would get him to at least do pick up that day, then you get to stay at work a bit later and catch up on things.

Or even to do something for yourself straight after work

It’s tough. What makes it more tough is if you’re not working as a supportive team with your partner. Instead of fighting about who has it worse, recognise the truth that you’re both working really hard to get through a difficult phase and help each other out as much as you can.

Can you put the children in nursery for longer than you work so you get a smidgen of child free time in your week and hire a cleaner? A few hours extra child care and a cleaner will cost less money than you’d lose by quitting your job.

This too shall pass, it’s tough, hang in there!

Loads of people do an hours drive in total.🙄

Okay so you teach.. I do it 2 days a week with a 2 year old and 1 year old

I'd resign and apply for part time. They also can let you drop down your hours during the year qa if you leave they'll rewrite the timebale anyway. Can you hire a cleaner and DH pull his weight more with nursery runs?

Eta- read op again, didn't read its 3 days a week. I understand it's hard but not sure why the other 4 days you can't get DIY and cleaning done..

I would say one thing you need to work on immediately is the communication with your DH. We all have periods in life where we are struggling, or overwhelmed, and one of the benefits of having a partner is surely having someone to offload to, to work through things together and try and find a solution or at least an improvement.
your child going to school isn't the magic bullet that you might think it is, there is so much still to manage, the emails, the organising, the expectations on you i found actually increase (plus of course the holiday childcare)- there must be a way to sit down with your DH and say look, i just need to offload and perhaps we need to find an organised way to speak to one another without blame and offence.

Then you will be in a better place to see the wood for the trees, i would think. Hang in there, it can and will be better than this OP.

The OP is only just starting to think about this. My impression is that she is sounding out options. Clearly resigning her job is the nuclear option and I wouldn't really recommend that however I think she does need time away from work to reset her head, regroup, hopefully speak to DH who likely has no idea how burnt out his wife has become.

As an employee you are entirely dispensable but your health is not and she has to prioritise this just now. It is a stage of life and it will get better (assuming she does not have a third child at some point!) and she has all her life to pay tax into other people's sick pay etc. I absolutely hate the replies about how she should not go off sick.

I completely agree with you. Burnout is a legitimate thing and it’s not just work related burnout. Sounds very much like you would benefit for some time off to regroup and get things sorted to give yourself a better structure when returning to work.

see if you can change the kids nursery or increase hours. To the posters saying this is obvious nursery places are not always easy to come by dependant on where you are located.
see if your husband can pick up some of the slack with these tasks and reorganise his week better. Can he do a FWR to reduce or compress some hours to enable you to keep working?

OP based on what you’ve said I’m not sure being signed for a chunk of time and then resigning is the solution. Being off sick can be stressful in itself because you have to contemplate going back, engage with occ health, get your fit notes reviewed etc. Given what you’ve said about your family circumstances also doesn’t seem that it’s a good idea to not have your own career and income at this point. I don’t for a minute mean you shouldn’t go to your GP and get help, which might mean a period of being signed off but you need to tackle the source.

I worked 3 days a week when mine were under 5 and had a DH working long hours in a full on job. It’s really hard but it does get easier. Once your eldest starts school it will change. I do remember putting a huge amount of pressure on myself on my non working days the year before DD started school because it was the last time I’d have both little at home and we needed to make memories and all that crap.

What worked for me was treating the 2 non working days as working days but ones where my job was the children. I did no housework (bar chucking toys in a basket at the end of the day) I didn’t do shopping, no washing apart from absolute essentials and I concentrated on playing with them, feeding them and taking them out. We did quite a lot of going to lunch or tea at a cheap cafe. DH would cook for the 2 of us when he got home - sometimes he’d have to shop on his way back - and we’d have dinner together. We blitzed the cleaning and washing at the weekend and we each had a lie in on either Saturday or Sunday. You have to find a way to talk to your DH and approach this as a team. I also found that trying to schedule in time as a couple - going for a drink or dinner or cinema etc once a month was really helpful. It reconnects you and makes having a conversation much easier.

But your work also has a duty of care to you. In practice if you can't manage and it is affecting your wellbeing, they would be idiots to insist you have to do so much that it's contributing to your illness. That sort of insistence is begging for employees to end up signed off sick and/or suing for constructive dismissal. They do need to make reasonable accommodations particularly if you are diagnosed with a MH condition and inform them of it.

I think maybe your perspective is a bit off, you are so deeply mired in this trench and change feels impossible. But the "rules" can flex when someone's wellbeing is at stake. You're worth more to your employer well than as a crumbled husk. Ditto to your husband and children.

You cannot go sick as you are not sick and that's not fair. Its blimmin hard work juggling work and children so you have to make some decisions. But going sick is not the answer.

Your DH should be doing drop offs and pick ups. It doesn’t matter if it’s 15 mins away. My nursery is 15 mins away and we alternate - he does drop off and I do pick up. It’s only fair

Indeed they do but not generally for no purpose.

Changing nursery at this stage, when my older child only has eight more months and my younger one has settled is also a no. I realise it may look as if I’m being obtuse but things like moving house and changing childcare isn’t like changing your toothpaste or washing powder, they are big decisions.

Then you have a fucking useless husband problem OP - he is not pulling his weight, you are stressed and teary BECAUSE of your useless husband. You should not be going off sick from work, because you are not sick, your husband is just useless. You say nothing will change even if you talk to him - do you intend to stay with him and for the next few years, feel like this? I feel awful for you OP, but its the husband issue you need to sort out.

But there is a purpose?

To make things easier for you?

I feel like - and sorry to say this but I do see this often as a trait in teachers - you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be the perfect parent and domestic goddess and great teacher but it's really ok to share the load.

This exactly. The going off sick is a very short term fix. The fact is these years are very tough. But as usual you are picking up more than your share. Your DH absolutely needs to be doing pick ups and drop offs on friday, and ideally another day of drop off. Let's face it, if he was a woman, he would find a way! I think men just don't want to make the effort, including making the effort at work to just SAY 'i will be in at 9.30 on tuesdays due to childcare', or whatever. We are not in the 1950s, it's perfectly acceptable now, but men don't WANT to put themselves out and do it, in my opinion.

On the rest - be very clear and see what you can for a few years. Eg - house standards might drop (unless you can afford a cleaner in which case definitely do it), parents might have to reduce their fitness routines (my DH stopped playing football as too time consuming and did quick runs instead), in our case we did less entertaining at weekends, because weekends were spent catching up on what we hadn't done in the week and having a 'breather'. Holidays also became more basic as I had less time to plan elaborate trips and days out etc. Clothes - no big shopping trips, was done mainly online. Would also suggest your DH should take over for maybe a half day every weekend and take the children out so you can have a bit of breathing space?

But honestly, if you can afford to outsource the DIY and the cleaning, that is definitely the way to go.... and just know these years are hard work and it does get better, at least when both are in school!!!

What I would do in your situation and have done in the past:
You are clearly absolutely frazzled and at the end of your tether. Get signed off with stress for 3 months if your sick pay/circumstances allow. Regroup, relax, get the house sorted out.
Make a list of who does what in the house. Leave it on his desk. If he refuses to do his jobs then they are not done. Its non negotiable.