To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

Everyones experience is different. My child wouldn’t go in a playpen and dropped naps early. It’s ridiculous when it comes to parenting to always equate what worked for you to work for someone else. Giving advice is one thing, but OP is clearly on the cusp of burn out and judgement is not helpful in this situation.

And I’m not doubting for a moment it is similar for everyone with very young children.

It's not. Generally it's not similar for men, at all.

Your husband doesn't feel that he should share the load. He thinks you should do all the shitwork, because you're the woman.

Hi op, these type of threads seem to have become a recurring issue on Mumsnet and I also completely understand where you're coming from as I am in a ssimilar situation. I work part time (3 days) with two toddlers, commute is long, drop off/pick up stressful, children are tired, over stimulated and very needy after childcare. DH works five days, even longer commute, home as quick as he can be to help with things. We also have some grandparents who help out one day. However, the evenings are so rushed and chaotic and I often feel stressed and anxious about making pick up in time/getting to work on time. I drop off as early as I can and DH has managed now to change hours one day even though his work were not happy to do drop off which takes the burden off me. My two days off are filled with catching up on washing, taking children to an activity, cleaning etc and like you said it can be quickly reversed by messy toddlers!

I have recently been thinking why is life like this now? My mum didn't work (worked part time as a childminder picking up from the school myself and siblings went to for 10 years) but there were many two parent working families still back then yet it seemed like the didn't have the same stresses. I'm not sure if people's working hours have gotten longer, commutes have definitely gotten worse, and perhaps in my case lax parenting as bed time is a real issue in my house. I am still BF and my 2 year old is a poor sleeper, I've tried sleep training etc and been told she is a 'high needs child' and will grow out of it. She's also had a lot of illness lately which again I feel is on the rise (children seem to get sick much more than when I was young now!) She is especially difficult after childcare. DH and I get little time together due to this. It's just all round difficult but what I have to keep reminding myself is the stage will pass and things will get easier.

I hope things improve for you soon OP. I can't give you much advice other than hang in there and you're doing great 💐

People are being so vile to poor OP, who is clearly experiencing extreme stress and anxiety. It doesn't matter if it's "normal" or if having a young family is "always like this". That doesn't change how people feel, or their ability to cope with their specific circumstances.

Get over the whole "sponging off the state" stuff. OP has never even said she's seriously considering doing this, but she clearly feels trapped and out of options. Everyone here acting so high-minded is probably also one of those people who champions "mental health" in other settings, then comes on forums like this to lambaste people like OP.

It's amazing how many men HAVE to work long hours and can't possibly add in some flexibility to that to do nursery runs.

Could he put a flexible work request in on either side of the day so he could drop off or pick up (I suspect he wouldn't need to and he's working such long hours to avoid parenting).

Of course it is. Not when you're just using that as a reason to avoid tackling your useless husband though. And I highly doubt you'd be as happy in reality if you were told you had to do someone else's job for 7 weeks then read this post explaining why. The workplace cannot manage OP's husband problem, they can and should reduce her workload to reflect 0.6 FTE if they haven't already, but what do you want them to do - call her husband in for a telling off? Wild

You are taking the piss. You can't go off sick there is nothing wrong with you.

If its affecting your mental health then go for it, your health is your wealth

Hi, sorry to hear you are struggling. Life is tough with two small kids and a job. Sounds like you and DH are doing the Who's the Most Tired Today Competition.
What housework does DH do during the week?
Does he cook any dinners? Does he clean up after dinner? Do you have a dishwasher system, as in, it gets loaded and put on at night then emptied first thing in the morning (can he do that?).
Likewise laundry, who does that?
If you can put a few 'systems' in place that DH can follow would that help?
Can he batch cook something at the weekend to do you two nights?
Can you afford a Cleaner? If DH isn't doing housework then that's one part of a solution.
Just because a man's job takes him out of the house for longer hours doesn't mean it's any more stressful.
Another part is counselling for yourself because that's a form of support just for you and a sympathetic ear from someone who is genuinely interested in helping you through a tough time.

Because that's what OP has said isn't it? She's feeling overwhelmed, crying all the time, depressed, stressed, mega unhappy. Yes her DH is clearly useless. And yes I agree he is prob the cause of it. But people don't get fucking medals for keep ploughing through every day just to tick a box. She needs some time off, it's understandable.

By the way I've never had a day off sick in my working life, ever. I am not someone who goes off. I've suffered bereavements and carried on working. It's my coping mechanism though to just keep busy, not everyone is like that.

Hi op. Teaching is tough with a heavy work load especially with small children at home (retired teacher here with DD who is also a teacher)
Some thoughts. It must feel like as heavy a load as a full time teacher but you have two days of no classes, no going into school
On those days, or at least one of them could you get a cleaner to really blitz the house for you? Even if it gets messy again you would know it had a good clean so might help with the mind load a bit. I know you feel overwhelmed with everything you have to do but if you got a cleaner could you use this to carve out a couple of hours free time for yourself..maybe a Zumba class ...nothing too heavy or even out for stroll somewhere and coffee. Alternatively you could use that time to do some of the stuff all teachers have to do at home without thinking of goodness I've the house still to do. You could do this on the cleaning day and maybe give yourself the other day. You will burn out if you keep going until you feel you are an endless treadmill with no end.
Do everything you can to make food prep easy. You can have healthy meals without making everything totally from scratch. Prepared vegetables, frozen veg are your friends. It isn't the end of the world to get a Toby or other meal in or throw baked potatoes in microwave ect.
It helped DD when she felt she couldn't do this anymore to break it down in her head. She'd tell herself I can do this until half term. I can do this until Christmas. It took away that feeling of despair and helplessness when looking long term was driving her over the edge.
Finally, if you reached a point where none of this is helpful for now do take some time off. Don't necessarily put your notice in. Wait and see what a month or so off does for you then try to implement some of these suggestions when you go back. If nothing works you will know you've given it your best shot then. Good luck op.💐

Quite. Until this fundamental change happens, women and men will never be equals in raising their children

Many women and men have no desire to share the parenting load though, so those of us who have been sold the dream of an equal partnership have to fight tooth and nail to make it happen.

I would never have married a man who wasn’t happy to do his fair share of parenting, housework and all the other stuff we have to do.

It is clear you are a teacher OP and anyone who has never been a teacher just wouldn’t understand the unrealistic demands of the job and that actually part time staff have the same amount of responsibility and workload as full time staff. I went four days one year and an internal supply was put in my class for my non work day. I still had all the responsibilities of the class, planning, paperwork etc but for one day per week less pay so I quickly went back full time as it seemed pointless to do a full time job for part time pay.

My advice is to get a cleaner to come in fortnightly. They can clean, change the beds and then you and your husband can just wipe down and hoover to keep the house ok in between the cleaner’s visits. This worked for me.

If money allows put your kids in nursery one day when you are home as this will give you time to regroup. Don’t do this the day your husband is home working but on a day you will have the house to yourself. If finances don’t allow this extra nursery day do it as soon as your preschooler starts school with your toddler.

Best wishes to you OP. I am glad I am retired, I wouldn’t recommend teaching to anyone these days. I loved my three decade career but teaching has changed beyond recognition these days and is not worth the loss of home life and the stress it comes with.

But also, if you are really stressed to the point where is affecting your day to day life then you should go to your gp. They may sign you off work for a while, enough time for you to catch up and feel better.

I really feel for your OP. My children are a bit older (nearly 8 and nearly 4) so the oldest is at school but the youngest is still pre-school. I work 4 days so have a long weekend every weekend but obviously my "day off" is spent trying to get things done whilst also parenting a three year old. I recently became very run down and needed to take a few days off work. It was mind blowing how quickly i recuperated in those 3 days off as the kids were at school/nursery and i only had myself to look after, well 9-5 anyway. I vowed to myself to make sure i take a day of annual leave at least every two months just to spend by myself (like lying on the couch if i so wish!) My youngest starts school next year so I should be getting a bit more respite soon (no intention of increasing my hours). It's hard but it will get better. I think having a part time job (I have three part time jobs 😂) is so hard because it also adds to a sense of no down time. Your husband has the easier life here.

People saying ‘but you’re not sick!’ are undermining the impact stress and depression can have on you physically and mentally.

If you need to be off sick for a week and rest, do that.

If you can’t/wont, use some annual leave to take a day off when the kids are in nursery and do some jobs to catch up (ie declutter) but also REST.

I would say talk to DH but not to say ‘you don’t do enough to help me’ but to say ‘this feels like a really hard time, how can we get through it?’ Whether that’s extra childcare so you have a day for yourself, a cleaner, ensuring you both get downtime and time for yourselves. You cannot pour from an empty cup

Can you get a cleaner? It's a big help if you can afford it.

OP, it is not solely your responsibility to not work to keep on top of domestic work and raising your children. Your husband has to make sacrifices too. Why should he keep his full time work with no consequence but you feel it’s on you not to

In the longer term could you do something to reduce DH’s commute? Move nearer work or he could get a job nearer home?

I haven't made any assumptions about your sick record; you should go off sick when you are unwell; we would offer you special leave for bereavements.

If she needs a week off stressed take a week, but saying 'I'm going to go off until the end of the year' is insane - that's not how sick leave works. You're off until you're better, not because you think you could do with a random 7 weeks off.

And as I said in another post, people who go off with stress often don't come back anyway, because work isn't the source of the stress. If OP is not going to tackle her useless husband in those 7 weeks she is just going to have the decision hanging over her the whole time as to whether she resigns or not, her husband I expect is going to demand more and more of her as she's 'at home' all the time, probably he will do even less. This is all round a bad idea from so many perspectives, and some people just need 'nasty fuckers' to cut through the crap sometimes. This is a terrible idea and will very likely make OP's home life worse. Happy to agree to disagree with you.

Is there any option to stretch your working hours over 4 days instead of 3? I think this might give you some breathing space.

If not, how would you feel about increasing your days to 4? Putting kids in childcare for an extra day and having the brain space to approach your job with an extra working day a week?

I work part time and have 2 young kids. It’s such hard work OP. It’s mentally draining. You’re always stretched indefinitely thin. It will get better but that doesn’t mean you should suffer in the short term.

Thanks. I do really appreciate all these answers and if I’ve missed any there’s no attempt to be vague, intentionally or otherwise.

Cleaners - this has been so difficult. I’ve tried three now and every time they’ve gone a good initial clean and then start to (to be honest) take the piss. Plus and most importantly, it didn’t reduce work, it actually added to it due to the stress of tidying the house before their arrival (and then often they’d want to rearrange!)

Putting the kids in nursery more - no, I honestly feel they do enough hours in childcare. I want to enjoy them and enjoy the time we have together. A big source of stress is both of them together and I know once my older one starts school this will help. My older child doesn’t nap by the way and I’m not sure how many four year olds are using playpens but I can’t imagine it is many! My younger one is a more chilled character so I do think things will be easier when no1 goes to school.

Don't give up work because it could cause you long term financial issues.
Could you get a cleaner and/or a handy man to deal with the DIY jobs.
It is hard working with small children. I worked FT in a challenging role, but had a bigger age gap (4.5 years) than you, and I was exhausted all the time. It will get easier as they get older. Even a year down the line it will be better. Keep talking and being open with each other and remember it's not permanently challenging.

You really do have a DH problem. He should be walking through the door at 7pm and getting stuck in whether it's tidying, putting a wash on, putting kids to bed or making dinner.

And he should take it personally! It is personal. He's not pulling his weight.

Everybody is tired, why does he get a get out of jail free card.

Hire a cleaner, put your dc in nursery for an extra day. Surely these extra costs are better than you being unemployed.

I know you don’t want to increase childcare but would it be an option to add an extra day or half days childcare for a very short period? I did this with DC1 when I had terrible morning sickness when pregnant with DC2. I put them in for an extra day and agreed with the nursery it would be for 1 month. It gave me the chance to rest and regroup and once the month was up I felt much more human.