To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

You may be able to negotiate on that, if you are honest. What you offer would depend on your industry and exact role. For example in one case I know of, someone with a contractual 6 month notice period was able to negotiate it down to two months on the agreement that they would come back and do 2 days handover with their replacement once they were appointed.

I have every sympathy of the stress your under. I am a solo parent and have my daughter 90% of the time. No other support and was working full time! The stress really got to me. I was having migraines and just a very unhappy person and always anxious. I went to the Doctor, and he could see how visibly stressed I was and said he wanted to sign me off for a few months. However, (probably to my detriment) I refused this and instead resigned. I have been freelance for one month and my mental health has improved no end. I have a contract until March, and I'm not sure what will happen after that. If you're that stressed and you genuinely need time off sick, I'd ask for it! If it's the work life juggle getting to you, I would look to see how you can make your life easier. Sadly most of us can't afford to not work at all. But just try and find ways to reduce the stress.

We have a cleaner which is an absolute godsend. Not just the fact the whole house is clean at once just that once a week (not possible if I'm doing a room per day flylady thingy) but because the removal of the weight of the feelings of inadequacy about how I 'should' be cleaning more and the removal of the juggle between childcare and cleaning. I also had a velcro toddler and I didn't want to be putting them in a playpen or letting them cry so I could clean, I wanted to have (hollow laugh) quality time with her when I wasn't working. Everybody in the house tidies up the night before her morning and it's a team effort.

Wouldn’t having a cleaner be better than giving up work? It would certainly be the better financial option.

How are you spending your weekends? Are you trying to cram in all the DIY and 'fun' days out into the weekends then find yourselves exhausted by the time Mobday comes round again? When dc are that age, a trip to a playground or an hour at a soft play can sort your weekend, then they can play in the house while you catch up with things. Or take turns for a nap!
juggling small dc and work i hard, I did five days at work and dh did odd shifts so I know how you feel about never spending time together or getting time to yourself. But if you are only working three days, as PPs have said you need to look at how you are spending your time. And sometimes it is absolutely worth a days annual leave in the week to spend the whole day on your own. I used to and it really helped, having that time alone.

Assuming you'd happily offer to pick up the extra 0.6 FTE then? Volunteer for it for 7 weeks would you? Because that's the impact this has, someone going off sick when not actually sick, 7 weeks is long enough you can't backfill and everyone else has to pick up the slack. To me the 'nasty fucker' is possibly someone who would rather screw their colleagues and workplace than talk to their husband...

OP it is perfectly fine to accept that you have reached a stage of complete burn out and to put your health first.

I would speak to your GP about being exhausted/depressed to the point where it is affecting your body and mind and your can't function and to get signed off.

It will give you some breathing space to make rational decisions and then you can work out whether you just needed a break and can go back to your job or if you need a longer term solution such as resigning.

Frankly your priority is your health and sanity. Not your colleagues or your boss...do you think your employer would give a second thought to make your redundant if that benefited their business? of course not so you have to look after yourself.

Too many people on this thread seem to rolls over the fact that constant stress can lead to a complete breakdown, and you don't want to get to that stage.

You are not 'lying' as some people seem to imply and you don't need to make up any excuses. You simply need to tell your GP you can't cope anymore. That's a perfectly valid reason.

There was generally a family to help back in the day (grandparents uncles etc), nobody can do it all themselves with two littles.

Agree with this.

My job was my place of sanity when my DC were that age. No way would I have quit my job! Depends on how stressful your job is I guess.

Why don't you resign and try to negotiate an earlier exit. Most employers will let you go early unless you're absolutely indispensable- as they don't want someone on the payroll who isn't giving their best (which most don't, when working notice).

If they say no and you still feel stressed, then I guess you could ask a doctor to sign you off - though unless you are actually incapable of work, that would be a shitty thing to do. I'd focus on forcing your husband to pull his weight instead.

Women are tough, but I’m sure that even in the past some of them had a little cry somewhere. And maybe they felt better when the others reassured them and were kind.

After all, while taking time off for stress and depression might be a modern phenomenon the conditions themselves aren’t. I haven’t done anything yet. I just feel … awful and I’m wondering how to try to put it right.

I do think some people are being very harsh in their responses, OP.

Like a lot of others, I think the problem lies elsewhere than at work, but I can see that dropping one thing would make life easier, and can see how work looks like the thing to drop. Going off sick for a few weeks might give you a breather to decide what you want to do long term (as others have said, this stage won’t last for ever and you need to think beyond it). Never mind the ‘unfair to colleagues’ comments - my thought is that if YOU don’t put yourself first, no one else will, and you do sound overwhelmed and like you need a bit of a break. Take care x

Agree with this

Don't leave your job to be financially dependent on your DH. It makes you very vulnerable

Playpen and naps and you have plenty of time to get on with things. Ridiculous if you can't manage.

It’s not your employers responsibility debility to pay you to be off sick if you’re not sick.

And be single ?

It is hard op. I work 3 days a week and on those days very little gets done other than school and nursery runs, home, meals and bedtime. I need the other two days to get caught up and have no idea how people manage small kids, running a home and working full time.

On my days off I have one day of catching up on housework. I will sit my toddler in front of the TV with zero guilt and just crack on. She's at an age where she can play independently and draws, plays with her dolls too. But I do get a lot of interruptions. Also arrange a click and collect shop on this day.

My second day off we go to a toddler group and I try and take her to the park and just generally keep her busy. I can do this knowing I've got the majority of my chores done the day before.

Weekends are taken up with the older dc activities so there's not a lot of time then either.

I think you probably need to have a bit more structure to your days off. Get your dc in a room where they are safe, put a stair gate on the door and get on with what you need to do. Being at home with them full time isn't going to alleviate your stress anymore. Sometimes work is a bit of a break for me! And they will be in school before you know it too.

Generally, and sometimes there wasn't.
Stuff still got done.
Not myself, but I saw how hard it was.
No time to complain, no helpful technology, clever appliances, God forbid husband and household.
🙁

If you temporarily gave up work for a few years, would you be able to get back into your career easily?

If you temporarily gave up work for a few years, would your husband support that?

Can you move closer to his work, if you give up work temporarily? Can you move closer to his work and get a different job near there?

There will be a solution but it will involve change. Ideally you’d both change aspects of your lives to make things work in this new family responsibilities season of life. If your husband won’t change his job, what is he willing to change? If he won’t change anything (work, where you live) then how much are you prepared to change in your life to live with his inflexibility?

No easy answers, unfortunately. It is tough.

you are not alone! Whenever I have this conversation with any mum I think it’s safe to say we all feel this way to some extent.

to those saying don’t give up work as its isolating - it can be. I definitely had burn out but after a couple of months I was ready to take on more work as not working also has its downsides. I actually resigned to coincide with dc being eligiable for 15 hours so was able to ensure he was able to stay on at nursery and therefore allowed me the opportunity to find other part time work. I now work about 20 hours a week. I have taken a huge pay cut, but for me it is definitely worth it not to burn out again. this is just my personal experience.

burn out is a real thing. For me personally, I don’t think going off work sick would have helped. It would have just shifted things around. I needed to take it on holistically. Everything in my life was leading to it and I needed to address everything - work, childcare, house, relationship. If your husband is not listening to you - this is one of the things in your life you need to address. You can’t do this unless you are on the same page.

good luck - and pm me if you ever need someone to listen.

OP what saved me in your situation was a part time nanny. Every other day, so either Monday/Wednesdsy/Friday nanny or nursery. Then least my DC were home two/three days and I wasn’t running around.

Go ask for two weeks off due to mental stress. Then see where you are at. You are too unwell at the moment to make such a big decision. Get some breathing space

From an employer's perspective, if a member of my team is stressed and/or on the verge of burnout I'd do one of several things

1. offer time out and a return with reasonable adjustments. That might mean flexible time, work shifted away or reduced responsibilities

2. if that member wanted to leave they're no good to me for 5 months of notice period so I'd want to let them go earlier. I get that teaching might be more complex in terms of cover but I'd have to find a workaround. Legally if you've asked for reasonable adjustments due to medically diagnosed anxiety or stress you put a duty of care on your employer so transparency is important.

If someone signs off repeatedly with no warning it makes life very difficult for everyone involved so you make your problem everyone's problem. Please make that your last resort not the first.

'@Nothatgingerpirate · Today 10:49
Well, the poster is right.
How did women manage in the past?
They toughened up, because there was no choice.
And yes, there was lack of vitamin D, anemia and so on, reasons for feeling tired and overwhelmed.
People forget this.'

Don't be daft.

Women in 'the past' very often did not work once they had kids and relied on men. One income was also enough to get a decent standard of living which is no longer the case today.

Many of these women of the 'past' were probably miserable and unfulfilled but had no choice because they relied on men for everything by the way...

BEING STRESSED AND DEPRESSED IS A VALID REASON FOR NEEDING TIME OFF!!! And yeah of course I'd pick up the slack for a colleague who was off sick, along with the rest of my team. But my boss would make sure our health and wellbeing was completely looked after and our workload was manageable so none of our team generally get to that point.