To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

You are just comparing the OP with yourself and deciding that you had it worse. This isn’t about you. Your 1950s attitude of ‘gritting teeth and getting through’ isn’t helpful either; the OP is obviously struggling very much and her mental health is affected. Taking some time off sick would be valid in this situation, to give her some breathing space and time to think of a longer term plan. Often people feel much worse when they just try to ‘get on with it’ which leads to worsening issues and more time off work in the long run.

I think you might regret it in the long term but appreciate that doesn't help right now.

It is quite difficult to get decent jobs part time. If you give this one up, getting the equivalent again could be tough.

You need to find ways to get through the now. If you are on the verge of tears all the time then maybe you do need a week off.

I would echo others that having your kids at home all the time is tough too.

I'm the other side in that mine are both at school and I still work part time. Now it is the best of both worlds.

Yes I'm expected to fit in a full time job in three days but I've got better at it over the years. The mental calendar is a tough adjustment - you see okay that's four working days rather than 'two weeks away ' eventually.

Are there parts of your daily routine you can drop? For example ate you bathing both kids every day. If so is it really necessary? Cut it to three days a week.

Can you do slow cooker teas or double cook so it is the same meal two days running.

I don't iron. I treat washing well in that I give it a good shake and put it away as it comes off the line rather than having it screwed up in a basket.

How vital is the DIY? Do the essentials and ignore the rest for a while.

Can you take the kids out more on your days off. Nothing fancy. Just park and picnic lunch. It saves mess and with any luck youngest falls asleep on walk home and you can get five minutes.

Your kids are fine to play independently (with appropriate supervision). It's an excellent life skill. You are not failing if you don't dedicate every second to them.

I know it's a bit rubbish now but it does pass and get easier.

She has explained the timings of his job, out early then back late and it sounds like a full time job. The OP works 3 days and has avoided saying what he does around the house or with the children at the weekends.

I know - some places you can, not mine though!

Thanks for replies. I do really appreciate them.

Go see your gp.
Maybe get two week sign off for your mh
Talk to a counsellor yourself
Have a sit down with dh ask him for solutions
Employ cleaners etc
Task rabbit the DIY or hire someone for two days to get all those little things done
This is on both parents to come up with sharing the load

If your dh is working at home 3 days a week, is he not using that gained commute time to do a wash, tidy up, strip beds, put dinner on? I know I do and so does my dh.

Not to mention that having a useless bloke is worse than being a lone parent. Another person’s washing, messing up the house, expecting dinner to be cooked, having to have the in laws round and cook on Sunday etc etc.

Sounds like you are having it tough OP. But it is tough and repetitive with young children.

2 suggestions - maybe get your iron levels checked if you are very tired
and start teaching the children to put everything away every evening. 5 minutes, do it together. it will make your life much easier if they get into the routine now

I don't know if hearing someone else's hardship makes me feel better op but here goes.

I'm guessing that you're a teacher, so at least you get the holidays off with your kids.

I've got two young kids. Youngest is 3. I've always worked full time, since they were 9/10 months when I returned to work. No family around to help. My job is very full on and a lot of responsibility. I get 5 and a half weeks of annual leave a year. Dh works full time too. We're both exhausted. What makes my situation a bit easier is a 6 year age gap, which was a deliberate choice as we knew having two preschoolers would be very hard.

My suggestion to you is not to have too high expectations on your non working days and weekends. Don't rush around too much. Also having low standards around the house. That's what we do to stay sane. Also perhaps send the kids into nursery the odd extra day here and there to catch up with things.

I know what you mean about not bothering with a cleaner. We tried and every company was either unreliable or terrible quality and it just wasn't worth it.

Are you sure?

If you think your stress is getting to a level where you might have to be signed off, then they might as well allow you to leave sooner - it saves them paying you sick pay whilst still having to find supply.

One way to broach it is to hand in your resignation "with effect from the end of April as per the resignation rules, but I would be happy to leave sooner if you can replace me sooner." They're going to have to find someone mid-year anyway; they can advertise with a start date of Easter or sooner if possible, and release you from when the new person is available. That doesn't cost them any extra, and they might have someone less stressed sooner.

A head might say no to you naming the date when you leave, but might be much more willing if you're happy to continue until they've found someone.

Sorry I cant make any sense of your reply, I havent what? I dont what?

Stop giving as much of a shit about work - you can only do what you can decide, you're replaceable to them, do the minimum for a while and don't put pressure on yourself.

Hope you don’t complain if your child’s teacher does what you suggest.

Do the same at home.

This bit I agree with.

You can work less than your formal notice.

It might affect future references but unless they take you to court, they can't do much.

They may be able to recruit by half term.

Honestly give yourself a break!

put the kids in an extra day at childcare and have a day to yourself! You can pick them up early and do something nice with them then

Take A day each on the weekend

ive 2 under 4

and I take them both our Saturday morning and husband can do whatever he wants / house bits, housework, sleep, go out somewhere - whatever

I do the same Sunday

Based on your first post only, I don't really understand because you have 4 days a week when you aren't at work.

Can't you catch up on housework then?

Or have a cleaner when you're at work- maybe the Friday when you H works from home.

And get your H to do his share at a weekend.

Resigning isn't a long term solution if you need the income.
Would you apply for a 2-day a week job? What's the long term plan?

What exactly would you be going off sick with? Sounds like normal family life to me. I mean, I did it all without a partner, like many many on here. Didn't expect my employer to pick up the pieces.

This would be morally suspect. Giving your employer the impression you're intending to focus on getting well, while intentionally getting all the money you can ... then leaving them in the lurch.

Meanwhile others are doing your work - when they could be looking to fill your job and share the work fairly.

This is a wrong approach. You and your husband need to organise family life.

The replies to this are dire. Stress and mental health is absolutely a legitimate reason to be signed off.

Speak to your GP. It doesn’t need to be until Christmas but I think you do need a week or two with the kids out of the house for you to get some headspace, take some time to breathe and make a plan.

Then you need to tackle your husband. This isn’t good enough! He needs to have a conversation about working flexibly.

Toys get strewn everywhere, the laundry is a constant battle, no one knows that the dishwasher exists apart from me. Meanwhile because I’m firefighting things like hoovering upstairs and tidying don’t get done.

You have a husband issue not a work one.

Put some toys away and just let your kids have a few out each day to play with.
The older one is old enough to learn to put them in a toy box before bedtime.

Your H is old enough to wield a hoover at a weekend.

He is also able to stack the dishwasher.

Sounds like you back-off when he appears to show little understanding (and he knows that tactic works.)

Time to read the riot act and set the bar higher for him.

Ah you're a teacher. We have one at primary school. Every year she starts in September does a month then goes off sick until Easter. She then works the last term. She's in the fourth year doing this. Every parent in the know goes to the headteacher to kick off saying my child is not going into that class because it will be supply teachers until after Easter.

Go see your GP.

So you have basically ruled out every single possible solution to your difficulties.

I think it's worth thinking about why that is. What's going on?

Is your husband toxic and controlling? Is that why nothing can change there?

Are you suffering from depression? Is that why you feel so hopeless and out of control?

Is your self worth tied up in the idea of being the person who does everything?

Why are people so quick to say get signed off for stress?

It's really not right. The pendulum has really swung too far that way when everything that is normal life gets a label around MH.

This is a family issue where the man isn't pulling his weight.

Sadly this is just life with young kids. I'm told it gets easier

She would be going off with stress, which is absolutely fine and reasonable. Who cares if you martyred yourself? OP doesn’t need to.

I have only been off sick once when I hurt my back a few years ago but I worked for OH for 8 years and honestly, watching people trying to struggle on was more detrimental to their own health and the employer than just heading it off early and taking a few weeks off. The martyr behaviour helps literally no-one (and apparently just makes the you all the more bitter when someone does try to get help where you hadn’t.

I think @sometimesiwantto is at the bottom of a dark well.