To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

It doesn't though.

The OP isn't going to dust herself down and say 'single parents have it tougher than i do'.
And all of this stress magically disappears.

I actually think that it's the OPs husband who is key to this situation.
He could try a hell of a lot harder to help. And his response, when his wife has attempted to talk to him about it is be defensive.
And that all works out mighty fine and dandy for him!
Meanwhile, the OP is still really struggling.

You really need to have a serious talk with your DH to stop him dicking about and avoiding his share of home and childcare responsibilities. My DP is a teacher and while he's full-time I know his part-time colleagues have workloads that are just as stressful and time-sucking. You cannot be doing everything at home and your job as well. Going off sick isn't fair on your colleagues or the school, which will have to keep paying you while also paying your supply cover, or the pupils in your class, and it's just a sticking plaster for the real issue – your DH isn't pulling his weight.

I realise it may look as if I’m being obtuse but things like moving house and changing childcare isn’t like changing your toothpaste or washing powder, they are big decisions.

They are HUGE decisions but honestly, if you feel as bad as you say you do, you have to consider them or one day you will just burnout and be of no use to anyone.

But there is a purpose?
To make things easier for you?

And this^. When my DD was at primary school I didn't work so would drive her to school (5 miles away in the next village). 20 miles a day, an hour in total. It was such a treat when DH was at home and offering to drop off/pick up.

Bless you OP. I can imagine you are desperate rather than taking the piss, please don’t take any of that sort of post to heart.

i have done full time SAHM, 4 days a week, 3 days a week. It is so hard working part time and having two little ones. Part time work is not a magic bullet to a tidy house and getting things ‘together’ and neither is being a SAHM.

This is a temporary squeeze until school, then things do improve. It’s also always tricky with two young ones. Stay in work, don’t go on sick, don’t resign. There are other ways out eg

• accept lower standards of yourself at work. Men get away with rubbish substandard stuff all the time. Don’t ’gold plate’ anything and do the minimum of ‘good enough’. Just for now.
• Accept lower standards of yourself as a parent. Don’t compare yourself to anyone showing off re the delightful enriching activities they are doing with their children. If you are loving, that’s enough.
• Don’t given up on finding a good cleaner. It’s up front stress for a guaranteed easier ride. Don’t be discouraged or stubborn because you have had a few bad experiences.
• DH needs to help more. And you can make him help more in a patient and judgement free way. ‘You do XYZ while I do ABC’ for example.

Great advice. 👍🏻

You’re under a lot of pressure. I think feeling alone with a problem can be the worst part. It must be hard that even though this is a shared problem with your husband, it doesn’t feel like you’re in it together.

If I was in your situation I would settle for a slightly crap cleaner for now, I would let the children play on their own more so I could get the housework done. They might not like it but when you’ve got 3 jobs teach/house/mum you cannot expect yourself to be excellent at them all, all of the time. If you hit ‘good enough’ most of the time then congratulate yourself sincerely.

If you’re feeling on the edge, open up to friend in real life. Take a few mental health sick days if you need it - sounds like you wouldn’t normally take the piss and as others have said, then reassess. Don’t make a massive decision when you’re stressed and not able to think as clearly as usual. Also, don’t let people on here make you feel bad. It’s completely normal to wobble under pressure. And well done for recognising that the current situation is not sustainable FOR YOU. Best of luck x

I haven't they don't.

Or another option OP is to call your GP and get a sick note for couple of weeks for mental health

HR person here. Haven’t read the full thread.

You’ll be asked what you’re doing to change the circumstances that are leading to this stress as part of your sick leave. Don’t burn bridges with an employer you’ll need a reference from. If you just need space to try and manage things differently, take a week off to do that, but if you can’t make significant enough changes (both of you) then quit now and regroup.

Don’t remove your husband’s responsibility in this space as well.

Oh good, a race to the bottom. Just what OP needs 🙄

Sick leave is not for the purpose you describe. It is quite ridiculous to suggest going off sick until Christmas.
Can you drop 1 day of work?
Lots of people feel overwhelmed with young kids, you've just got to persevere and get on with it I'm afraid, or stop work if you can afford to.

@sometimesiwantto It does sound like having two young children is the issue.

I only had one child, as knew I'd not be able to wrangle two!

It does sound like you are a bit depressed, despite my earlier post saying there wasn't anything wrong with you -apart from suffering with normal life with working with two young children.

Life as a single parent is infinitely harder, so maybe this is why people are being a bit unsympathetic.

Maybe antidepressants from doctor?

It will get easier when kids are at school.

Have you ever seen the old cartoons by Posy Simmonds?

They used to be in the Guardian and Mum sent me an old clipping when I had my son- I then found a book of her cartoons in a charity shop and they are great!

They do sum up motherhood and working well. Old fashioned, but life never really changes from decade to decade!

It isn't for no purpose if it means you keep your career and your health. Giving up your career is a big decision too.

I'm guessing she's a teacher. She'll have missed the October 31st deadline for a December resignation date, so now isn't able to leave until Easter. We only have 3 leave dates...Christmas, Easter and Summer. It's tough shit if you miss the cut off dates! Anyone wanting to resign now can't do so until April 🤷‍♀️

Hi OP I haven’t read others posts but read all your updates. Your eldest can 100% help tidy, my youngest 2 and a half knows he has to tidy up and when my eldest was in preschool I used to say any toys left out at bedtime would go in the bin overnight, only have to even pretend ( gather into a bin bag) once and they will be helping tidy up the mess they made and if they don’t you will easily declutter the toys in no time

also declutter as much as you can, if it’s not used or played with get rid, automatically makes the house tidier.

@sometimesiwantto it is horrific this stage when you’re working but please think very very carefully about giving up work. You plane yourself in short term and long term vulnerability financially.

I’ve been where you are and it’s so fucking relentless, lonely and BORING! But it does get better when they are older, and I’m typing this now in a nice quite empty kitchen knowing my kids won’t be back till 4.30 after school and I love them and look forward to seeing them but it’s bliss. This will come to you.

The thing you could do now is ask your DH to put some dates in his diary when you are going to stay in a Premier Inn by yourself for a night, nothing big or fancy but just to have an inforced time away. Use the money you would have used for the cleaner. Do this for your sanity.

Sick leave for stress / burnout / mental health reasons as OP described is valid.

‘Getting on with it’ can lead to worsening mental health and greater absences from work.

I hear you. I had two DC under two and there were times when I thought I would go completely mad.
It won't help you now but when they are both at school things should get easier. Being that little bit older made a massive difference.
For now don't give up working, it won't help in the long term. Just try to hang in there.
I might have missed it but do you have any family that could help? If someone could have them for a couple of hours or so you could catch up on washing and bits around the house.
Outsource anything if you can, getting a handyman in for a couple of hours could help.

It’s not a race to the bottom. But it sounds like typical modern day stresses of parenting and working that tonnes of people equally face. And as someone who has worked full time with young children and with no other parent present or contributing, I can see how much better OP actually potentially has right now even if she can’t see it. Gritting teeth and getting through is the answer, not going off sick.

Dear OP, it is clear to me that you are stressed up to your eyeballs and it is making you ill. Please go to your GP and get signed off but honestly tell your GP it is not work related stress as you don’t want that on your sick note as it might cause problems down the line at work. Say it is general stress and being overwhelmed, explain you cry every night, can’t sleep, feel generally unwell etc. Then take the time off to regroup. Wishing you all the best for some peace and feeling better.

My neighbours have two under THREES and both work now.
Their house is really spartan- lots of polished floors and very uncluttered - they put 'old' toys on the street what's app group or on the wall outside for passing people to take - I'm impressed with how they manage things.

{I'm far less organised}

De- cluttering automatically makes it a lot easier to tidy up.

Then take two weeks off sick to settle the kids in the new nursery. Or even three weeks, you could pretend you had a miscarriage. No proof required, just a couple calls to the doctor.

What is wrong with you?!

OP I’m going to tell you a secret. You can resign without working the full notice. Talk to your head teacher.

But otherwise your big problem is DH and his very important ‘man job’ meaning he is providing no support at all.

OP I feel for you massively, this was me a few months ago.
2 under 5, I do all drop offs and pick ups, DH often works away, and I have an extremely demanding job. It's fucking shit, and I do think others who share the mornings, drop offs and bedtimes just don't get it at all. Those are the HARDEST and most stressful parts of the day hands down, and then you also get to deal with the tired and cranky kids in the evenings after your stressful day.
I get it. It's HARD. I basically had a mental breakdown.

Please get signed off with stress and take a couple of weeks to sort your head out, mentally recover a little and be less exhausted. Then take practical steps.

I changed my hours so that I had 2 periods in the week where I was not at work but had childcare. So I start an hour later one day, and finish earlier another day but I still send to after school club.

This means I have headspace and down time, even if it's just a tiny bit. DH won't understand because he has easy mornings and evenings and has only downtime. He needs to pick up all the other shit when he misses the mornings and bed time like cooking dinner, washing, chores etc.

I also insisted on a cleaner and she also does washing for me sometimes. Makes a huge difference.

Stop giving as much of a shit about work - you can only do what you can decide, you're replaceable to them, do the minimum for a while and don't put pressure on yourself.
Do the same at home.

Accept that until they're a bit older you will probably feel like you're spread too thinly, can't be the mum you want to be or the worker you want to be. Accept you are giving 100% and this has to be enough, no matter how much that falls short of expectations. You can only do what you can do!

I really sympathise. I only have one other friend who is a working professional who understands. We don't get much outside help either and the lack of time to yourself makes life feel awful.

Don't give up your job, have a cry if you need to, and maybe look at an extra half days nursery to give you a break xx

That sounds really tough, but not your work's problem. If you were burnt out by work related stress then fair enough to go off sick. But your choice to have two children close together knowing your and your DH's work situations is not a reason for your work to have to pay you long-term sick pay and be short staffed while you are off but your position is not covered.