To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

According to you. The OP obviously doesn’t see things as you do.

What worked for me was treating the 2 non working days as working days but ones where my job was the children.

I totally agree with this and it's what we did too.

It's just pointless trying to do housework with two under 5s, focus on having fun with them those days and sod the cleaning

I'd like to bet OP is doing loads of work for her job on those 2 days off to try to keep on top of everything - if she's a teacher and has childcare commitments, she won't be able to stay late or put in the hours in the evening.

There also won't be any opportunity to take unpaid leave, holiday days or swap working hours. And yes, if you miss the Oct 31st deadline, you're stuck in the job till April 30th.

It's so hard to juggle it all OP. My dh worked abroad when dcs were little but I bet someone on here would still suggest he changed his hours to do drop offs! It does sound like you need to talk to someone pretty soon.

I have dipped into this so apologies if I have missed a post. I'm in a similar position with a 2 year old and 3 year old, very stressful demanding job, children in nursery 3 days PW and with me one day and family the other day. Its manic.

Last month it felt like it was all getting on top of me and I randomly booked a week off this week (I think I was experiencing low level anxiety with some bad physical symptoms). The children are in nursery 3 days this week, I've managed to 'catch up' on everything and finally sort out their bedrooms, clothes and the house. I feel a lot better. Way better than going on a holiday! So I personally wouldn't judge you for having a week off sick. I think I was 6 weeks off having a proper panic attack.

Other things I have done:

• Got a cleaner again (I had a brilliant one and she really made my life a lot easier, don't give up on finding a good one)
• Booked my 3 year old into a hobby on a Saturday morning where my husband can take the 2 year old along. They're out the house for 2-3 hours and it gives me a break after a full-on Friday alone with both. I force myself to go to a gym class and I'm feeling a lot better.
• Started getting a takeaway/COOK! (frozen meal) on a Friday as I refuse to cook after a day alone with 2 children who are constantly needing my attention.
• Booked in a 'date night' with my husband where we went out for a nice meal and got a family member to do bedtime.
• Finally, my husband ALWAYS does drop off (this isn't a new thing). It's a 50/50 thing with nursery so I think your husband should be dropping off, even if it's out of his way. I always do pick up.

IMO you're doing way too much childcare whilst working 3 days in a demanding role, no doubt you're doing the lion's share of the housework too. Basically 3 jobs!

I wouldn't just stop working as your husband will take the piss even more and you'll be even more frazzled than you are now. I think you need more help (via your husband and a decent cleaner). A week off may give you the clarity you need, if you feel anxious and frazzled, like I did.

Are your kids in nursery term time only?

No, men damage womens work opportunities by not doing their share at home.

Sounds entirely hellish and not read the thread. Understandly you are at the end of your tether. You need nuclear options.

look for a housekeeper? Three hours a day?

How about changing nurseries so it’s closer to DH. Don’t make that the reason, make up some stuff to him about how the nursery if SO BAD and you need to move asap!

Then take two weeks off sick to settle the kids in the new nursery. Or even three weeks, you could pretend you had a miscarriage. No proof required, just a couple calls to the doctor.

schools - where are those and who will do drop off then? Be clever and only give your DH’s number.

I worked part time and basically you are doing a full week just without the nice bits of working.

But first You need to put You first. No one else is going to. What makes your life easier? Ditch everything else. Drop your standards while the kids are small, they can do back up again when you have time.

hugs !!!

I actually do think it's a good reason to take time off sick.

People's tolerance for stress varies hugely and the thing is there probably are solutions to the problems but you can't think of them or implement them if you're constantly on the backdoor with stress.

Long term stress also causes trauma, resentment, and has been linked to physical illness. Protecting your peace now offers better long term outcomes for you. Trauma can happen when ones ability and support does not match the expectations or is not sustainable, yet one persists.

You can't be signed off sick from home life, the only way you can reduce the stressful demands here is to be signed off from work.

As someone who has been signed off long term for stress myself though I would say that you need to start putting recovery steps in place to maximise your time off. Seek guidance for all areas of stress in your life and make short and long term plans for recovery success, accept what you cant change, change what you can, and reconsider who you keep in your circle, and get rid of those who can't or won't be emotionally available to you during your recovery, otherwise you will continue to go round in circles and it will cycle until you are in burnout.

So true! These type of threads are always filled with the same comments and always feel sorry for the OP's who post these type of threads as I can always predict what type of replies are coming their way.

Bingo. 🎯

‘Pretend you had a miscarriage’?! Why?! That is so not necessary and a very insensitive suggestion.

How do you think single parents who work full time cope OP? They have the same housework and DIY pressures but shoulder them singularly. You are fortunate to have the freedom to be working 3 days a week and 2 people to split the work.

Nothing wrong with her?

Here's a few of her quotes:

I’m crying all the time, my temper is awful, I just feel on the edge to be honest.

I feel very trapped

I do think I am stressed

I’m not coping at work or home.

I just feel … awful and I’m wondering how to try to put it right.

If a member of my team or a friend came to me saying the above, I'd be suggesting they see their GP and get signed off for a bit as that sounds remarkably like being unwell with stress, to me.

That's irrelevant.

OP this is good advice.

That is not helpful. Other people struggling does not minimise the OPs struggles.

OP your DH driving the nursery run on his wfh day is NOT FOR NO PURPOSE. it is to GIVE YOU A BREAK!
Honestly, you don't know the joy of having one day a week when it's not on you to do nursery pick up, bring them home and start tea. It's an absolute joy! You could even... go for a drink after work, even if it's a coffee alone.. dh can take the lead on ONE after nursery routine per week.

As a PP said... this is starting to sound like a you problem as well as a dh problem. You won't do anything that will make your life easier. You won't compromise on some extra nursery time (it's only for two terms till your eldest goes to school) and you have given up finding a good cleaner. I get you are exhausted but if you change nothing then nothing will change.

Is this post a joke?
I’ve never read something more entitled and flakey sounding!

Just learn to mange your time better, or resign if you don’t want to work.

Don’t ’go off sick’ if you are not ill.

Single parents like myself who work full time still manage to cope with life’s demands, so I’m sure you and your partner can work out a strategy together.

@Plastictrees That is not helpful. Other people struggling does not minimise the OPs struggles.

I think it does help because it puts what the OP is saying in perspective.

''Off sick?''
There is nothing wrong with you by the sounds of it- just having two young children- it sounds totally normal.

Going ''off sick'' while being paid by your employer is really unfair.

It probably does sound like a ‘me’ problem but I'm not being deliberately difficult. A lot of these suggestions needed to be done years ago, as it is now the children are settled in nursery, I am the person who does drop offs and pick ups, it just is.

It will hopefully get easier, in the meantime I don’t really know what’s wrong with me to be honest.

Are some of the responses a joke? Do we not recognise mental health issues as valid illness now? Or has my Time Machine worked and I'm back in 1980?

Go off on stress by all means. Ut sounds like you are in a difficult space. But you need to see it as getting some breathing space to think and solve the problem.

To plan to be off to max out your paid leave and then resign is taking the piss.

I won't come up with ideas to resolve it but I will say that being a mother means feeling like you're always letting someone down and sometimes you have to make a practical, decisive choice, even if it isn't 100% what you want. There are no perfect choices.

For example, you could work full time and miss your kids but lessen your housework load (unlikely as dh doesn't find time for DIY, never mind splitting other chores).

You could be a sahm.

You could hire a handyman. A cleaner. Weekend babysitting or taking turns to do a saturday morning at soft play while the other does chores. Accept that the jobs won't be perfect or that kids aren't little for long.

But you can't morally use your employer to foot the bill for you to be a sahm.

Then take two weeks off sick to settle the kids in the new nursery. Or even three weeks, you could pretend you had a miscarriage. No proof required, just a couple calls to the doctor.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

Hi OP…your post is all about my life!

i am not saying you are doing anything wrong but since you are both stressed, tired and aggravated there is a big chance you both might have communication issues at the moment… (unless your husband is really lazy and not understanding on daily basis, only you know, but i like to give people benefit of doubt). Maybe different approach will be more successful? Maybe make a list what needs to be done, like cleaning, shopping, groceries etc and see what is that he can do to actually be helpful? Take kids out to the park for 1-2hrs on Saturday so you can clean the house, then you take over and keep them busy while he makes tea for couple of days - so then less cooking following day.. just an example.

is there anything you can plan specifically so things get done?

at the end of the day…use your holiday, couple of days to be off while no one is home, so you can catch up and have some alone time, or call in sick, work wont collapse if you miss two days for your own mental health.

quitting job might be tempting but will you be ok financially? Wont you resent your husband and miss doing something different than taking care of kids or the house?

It doesn’t because she is living her life and only she knows how she feels - comparing to someone who ‘has it worse’ is just shaming. Where does it end? There is always someone who has it worse, but that’s irrelevant as it doesn’t change how the person is feeling. It’s not an empathic response at all.