Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

It's not going to be forever so your dh should have a bit of patience, he could sleep in another room if dc disturbs him but you should have a plan to move your child into their own bed all night

I do always find it amusing when people think tiny children should sleep on their own all night ... so they can sleep beside someone else all night.

I coslept with DD1 till DD2 arrived when she was 3, which sort of organically led to DD1 starting the night in her own bed and then coming through to DH in the spare room while I was in the main bedroom with baby. She's 5 now and still appears most nights and gets into bed, but not until usually midnight or after (and she doesn't wake us now, we just wake up and she's there ) so it may be this happens over time (DD2 not interested in cosleeping so far, just different kids!).

Our sex life was fine (we managed to conceive another child during the cosleeping years! We just had sex elsewhere), probably even better than it would have been as everyone was well rested.

You need to be more inventive, op, so does your husband. We co-slept with hours and managed to have sex but not in same bed or room. Ours was in his own bed asleep, would wake and come in to us but that was after we'd been intimate, usually when we were asleep or about to go to sleep.. We told him to slide in between us like a pencil if we were sleeping. Or we could make love downstairs which was nice, or even in our child's room if he had replanted himself earlier.

It won't be forever, your child will spend the night in own room eventually but, for now, it suits him and you all sleep quite well.

Good luck to you.

YABU because you created and reinforced this situation. Sounds like the two of them need a couple of weekends with you out of the house for starters.

DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room

I used to love co sleeping OP so I get it. It’s hard to say goodbye.

DC1 slept with me until 2.5 for half the night. Now fully in his own bed. I do mis him
but it is better for all of us.

i agree with PP can you make spare room nicer and then you co sleep in there with DC when needed. And pop back to your husband when you can, both in your mariti bed .

I coukd have written your post, exactly our situation (I have 3).
the middle dd11 still sometimes comes in (sadly it’s getting less and less). I still love the cuddles.

My little one only stopped getting out of bed and into ours when they started school at 4 and a bit.

But they started in their own bed and that gave us "alone time"

Kid goes back in their own room and hubby needs to do his share of the settling

I remember when DD had a phase of night waking and Ex would take her into our bed, I got zero sleep and I felt that by sleeping in the same bed I was permanently tethered to her. I hated it and it didn’t last long because DD had her own bed and needed to understand that whatever prompted the regression, it was temporary and she’d get through it.

You think it's ok to have sex when there is a 3 year old in the room let alone your bed??
That's disgusting on many levels
Yabvvvu and your DH is correct.
Sound like you would rather share your bed with your dc than dh. The child is 3!
Plus, you are making this child totally dependent on you as you settle it and it won't let your husband do it
Weird behaviour

For god's sake what is it with people who sleep with their children who are so far from the baby stage?
This isn't co-sleeping, it is perverse

People’s responses here are so odd and Victorian! Your husband is an adult. He is able to set his needs aside in these early parenting years for your child (and for you who as the one who would get less sleep if you didn’t co sleep). Your child’s sleep needs are entirely normal
and age appropriate and not an indicator that they’ll never learn to sleep independently. It’s an indicator that they have a secure attachment to you.

Perhaps a compromise would be for your child to start off in their own bed and then co sleep from the first wake up? That gives you some time for intimacy in your own bed and then only one wake up when DC first wakes up for you in the night. You sound like a great mum! X

YABVU
Teach your child to sleep in their own bed. Your DH has been very tolerant to
poke up with it for 3 years.

YABU. I don’t even like my dog being in the same room as us

Genuinely, if your DH has a problem with the current arrangements, then he fixes the problem. Buy some earplugs and tough it out, leaving your DH to deal with the fall out. Your DS WILL settle for your DH eventually. I see so many women claiming their OH can't settle the baby/small child, but in reality they've created that crux in the first place. What if you were hospitalised? Your DS wouldn't stay awake until you were back - DH and DS would manage even if it was a bit of a struggle. But, as I say, if co-sleeping works for you but not your DH, then he needs to find a solution that doesn't heap additional work/sleepless nights on you whilst leaving him with a full night's sleep.

I think you’ve misunderstood. The issue is she wants sex and he is saying no . Not he wants it and she is saying no,

I coslept with ours for several years. The way we played it (for my sanity, dh was never an arse about it, on the contrary, he was incredibly grateful for what I was doing for dc) was that I had a double bed in their room as well as ours. I'd put them to bed in their room and go to bed in ours, then at the first wake up I'd get up and join them in their bed and sleep with them for the rest of the night.

Meant I started the night with dh in our own bed, then I slept with dc the rest of the time, and the transition to them sleeping on their own all night was natural, and happened as they slept longer and longer until they eventually slept through.

You're husband isn't wrong to want the bed to yourselves. However if you're the one doing all the settling in the night it's your choice what happens. I had this. Yes ideally the child would sleep through in their own room but I worked full time was exhausted and couldn't face trying to settle a child in the night on top of everything else. Therefore I let them get in each night. They got bored at about 5 years old and to be honest I loved the night time cuddles. Do what suits you. If he insists then make it clear he has to do the night time settling and buy some ear plugs. See how quickly he gives up on the idea!

I co slept with mine because I was single, working full time in a very demanding job and neither of us would have had a good night's sleep without it. I'm a big fan of it - there was no drama or trauma, he'd drift off like a dream, never woke etc. all super easy when so many other things weren't. So I really don't agree with people saying it's not good for them - I think it raises very secure children. But then I didn't have a partner and if the marriage suffered as a result, maybe it would have been the lesser of two evils. But from this distance, I think your DH should adapt and most men would be happy to grab sex whoever/wherever.

Yanbu

YABVU

No it isn't at all, you're the perverse one for thinking that way. It's very common in lots of other cultures, there's nothing wrong with it.

Having sex with a child in the bed is very wrong but it's not wrong to co sleep.

YABVVU. You aren't helping your child to stay asleep and I don't think you are helping your marriage either. Just sleep train your child.

Sorry OP, typical AIBU people will just jump in on one thing and hammer the OP

Sex with DD in the room is a no no, even more no no with them in the bed that's not okay. However I don't see anywhere you have said that even happens.

However, please don't let others shame you into feeling you shouldn't have DD co sleep with you at this age. It's completely natural to feel that way and be close to your children.

The issue here is your partner not wanting it to happen so that's a discussion between yourselves and what you want to sacrifice.

Your husband is being more reasonable than you in expecting to be able to have sex in the marital bed. It's time to prioritise your husbands wishes or you could end up separating which won't be good for your 3 year old or you.