Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

Hey Op have you considered speaking to your Gp about your 3yr olds sleep. Every two hours is a lot. I can understand a couple of times a night, but it sounds like you’re back to the newborn years

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable here. You want a good night sleep and so does he, with a side of what he considers ‘unscheduled sex’ in the bed.
You both aren’t compatible right now in this area and both need to come to a compromise.

I’m not against bed sharing, when DH is away or working nights I sleep with our 1yr old. She was even in our bed last night since she decided to be sick as we were trying to put her to bed. She sleeps the night if she’s in our bed, but wakes once if she alone. But that took work.

I agree you could at least try starting to settle him in his own bed first and allow him in after a wake up. You aren’t going to lose the snuggles if he sleeps half the night in his bed, it sounds like you have good attachment with him.

Yabu. Why isn't a three year old in his own bedroom yet?

@dhnosex I dont understand why you even started this co sleeping lark at 2.5 years old!!!! cradle, cot, bed is how it is supposed to be. why did you not put dc straight into bed after cot? i am with team husband!

The child needs it's own bed.

We co slept
But not a age 3 ,and as for having sex while a child is in the bed ..dear god ...
Totally team husband

Dh has a right to refuse sex if he wants but in this case he wants it but only on his terms and with no flexibility about when and where. Anyone with dc knows you have to be a bit flexible about choosing your moments and taking your chances . Even with teens you might have to wait until they are out of the house if you don’t want them to hear you.

Co sleeping is a perfectly valid parenting choice and it doesn’t mean dc will never sleep in their own bed. You need to try to have a reasonable conversation with dh about it and reach an agreement, perhaps with some compromise on both sides.

Having had a child that used to end up in our bed of their own accord, I can see why co sleeping works. It was frowned upon when mine were young. But it probably does relationships no good. There comes a time when you need to draw a line. My child was much older than yours when they learnt to sleep properly due to sen. I think if you can I would start this process and make it exciting for your child and hope they stay in their own room. Your dh has a good point.

having no flexibility is his choice, men can say no too.

Isn’t the whole point of the thread that they are not having sex?

This is more or less what we did, except from about 13/14 months, as soon as they could walk reliably. We used a hideaway bed for them and just used the pull out bed with a bed guard. It gave us reliably 3 hrs on our own before someone would come in (3 dc) unless illness etc. worked well for us. Also, bought a 6 ft bed so when they did come in there was plenty of space.

This is the reason why my neice still can't sleep alone at 8 years old. Because her Mother thinks it's nice to snuggle up to her when she's sleepy. My poor neice has never been trained to sleep alone and now can't cope with sleep overs at her friend's and her parents have to collect her at 1am when she's inconsolable.

Supposed to be? Just because you prefer one way of doing things doesn't make thatnway the only right way.

She started it so she could get some sleep, and has found that she enjoys it. It's totally fine.

This is what I did OP.

"The marital bed" haha what it's just a peice of furniture not some sacred space

Because he (understandably) doesn’t want to decant to another room to have sex while his 3 year old sleeps in their bed.

What a huge turnoff

Ok just " the bed" then 😂

At 3 years old child should be in their own bed. Get them into a routine, bath, book (with a teddy for comfort) and bed. Sit and read until they go to sleep to begin with if they are unsettled. Get some nice night lights and make a big deal about it being their room. If you persevere it shouldn't take long.

You will kill your marriage. I thought your DC was going to be a baby in which case yanbu. But three? Come on.

If your DH can come up with a solution then fair enough. If he's just expecting you to put all the hard work and do all the night settling then he can fuck right off.

OP the way you have worded this suggests your husband doesn't want to have sex in the bed with your 3 year old sleeping, but you do? WTF?

I'm in the minority but I love cosleeping too. My 3 year old is currently sleeping in the middle. My husband enjoys it too and gives our child a little kiss just before he goes to sleep.

I think your husband is being unreasonable. Your son isn't going to share your bed forever and will want his own space soon enough. Your husband is boring and unadventurous. Sex only in bed is pretty vanilla. If he won't entertain other places, then I would just go without. I wouldn't disturb my childs contentment for sex.

The 1950s attitude that a woman needs to serve her man by solo parenting his children however he says, so that he can have sex how he wants I was referring to. I think you know that though.

They may not have co slept then, they also smacked their kids, smoked in the house and didn't wear seatbelts. I don't see your point.

‘Dh has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed…understandable’ I read that as they have had sex whilst the 3 year old is in bed beside them, but her DH found it inhibiting….🤷‍♀️

Yes no one wants to mess about like that but the issue is the child needs to be in their own bed and if he wants that to happen they both should take a turn with the upping and down in the nights while they are trying to get them in own bed.

Once you let your child into your bed, you'll never get them out.

IMO it's just lazy parenting to not get up and settle a child who needs it. If your kid is upset, get up.

It's lazy parenting to not make the effort to help your child feel safe and comfortable in their own space and learn to relax and drift off to sleep. Your short cut is a short cut for you, not their long term security. You're just helping them to be sad/lonely/scared in their own space. Get out of bed and parent!

OP, use the forthcoming festivities to make their bedroom nice with decorations and twinkling (battery operated) lights to make going to bed and staying in bed a nice feeling.