Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

OP, why don't you start the child off in ita own bed?
This works well for us.
We pop the children in bed and lie with them till they're asleep if needed.
Then my husband and I have a our evening and sex can happen more organically, ie in our own bed and you can just space out afterwards.
Then once any of the children wake we normally go to them, but sometimes I bring them into our bed if they're very fussy. (Normally our 2 year old)
But if you don't want to only bring them in when they're fussy, just bring them in the first time they wake.
I thi k cosleeping is a good idea, but should be balanced with the marriage as well.
You need a strong marriage first and foremost for your child.
I thi k 3 is more than old enough to at least start off in their own bed.

Ooh Op, can you see that this is unfair?
I totally understand you wanting to cosleep. I'm not saying stop, just start the cosleeping after quality time with dh.

You will regret this if you continue to cosleep!

I think he’s being unreasonable. Have him go on Reddit and complain that his wife wants to have sex on the sofa or in the spare room and see how many are sympathetic. Most men would think Christmas came early.

The OP has said that there are other places that they can have sex.

Oh god, I feel so sorry for you OP.

Perhaps you give him some options for negotiations -

• he does all the nights supporting little one, then you might have sex with him again
• he stop being so vanilla and wanting sex in a bed and then a cuddle, then you might have sex with him again
• he stop acting like a baby when you've got it harder and to go bend you over in the kitchen or the bath tub when baby is watching peppa pig ffs

It’s pretty clear that the OP is NOT saying she wants or has had sex with the toddler in the bed. It’s pretty clear to anyone who read the post as the DH is saying he only wants spontaneous sex in bed not on a sofa etc. It’s also clear that most posters know this.

I’d just carry on doing what you’re doing. I’d tell DH that whilst i’ll miss having sex, I value my sleep more. Maybe if DH is more involved in care of DC he may let him settle him back to sleep. I don’t think your DH is not necessarily wrong in wanting his bed back though. Maybe when you have some AL from work you could try getting him into his own bed but if he co-sleeps fully and not just climbing into your bed in the middle of the night, then it’s going to be tough going but worthwhile.

We have one "rule" in our house....no kids, pets or tv in the bedroom. Makes for a close loving relationship ❤️

Why don't you put DC to bed in their room ( good to work on that habit) and the first time they wake you can bring them in with you? Over time they will wake less and eventually sleep through in their room. You would be working towards them sleeping in their own bed but also have the benefits of co sleeping and get to have some sex.

Oh blah blah ignore these twats on here. If you want to co sleep then co sleep. It's not very long before that cuddly smushy tiny thing is a big kid who is independent. You both need this time together so do what makes you both feel good. The only way for anyone to self regulate is by co regulation. Google co regulation. His is your husband's problem, he is being an arsehole about it and he should learn to enjoy his child and stop fixating on this stuff. That's good advice for all the responders on here who have spent the precious first years of their child's life fixated on them sleeping away from them. They want everyone else to do the same to normalise what they have done.

I think you should make the spare room nice and invite your husband to sleep there if he wants. He needs to grow up and be a better father here. My partner loves sleeping next to our little one and helps to settle him in the night as much as me. We go to a different room to do it. It's not a problem.

Exactly this!

Check out Happy Cosleeper on instagram/facebook for like-minded support. She is very open about how her and her husband have time together and have sex - spare room / sofa /anywhere in the house the children aren't. Why does sex just have to be in a bed?

All around the world babies and children bed share, it isn't weird or going to cause long term problems for your child. I would consider setting up their own room though so they have the option of sleeping in their own bed and it may be somewhere you can start settling them until they need you kater in the night, which would also give you more quality time with your husband.

I don’t think so - if half of MN is on his side all of Reddit will be!

YABU OP

Starting children off in their own bed and letting them come into ours when they woke in the night worked for us. That way we had initial privacy, the children had their own space and we all were able to go back to sleep quickly when they woke in the middle of the night.

I know lots of people that do this but
I just wouldn't for this exact reason. It's detrimental to intimacy and lots of partners end up feeling second best! No. YABU.

This was written in a way you’d have sex next to your sleeping 3 year old and it was just your husband doesn’t want to. And if that was the case, there would be something very wrong with you indeed.

you’re the unreasonable one. Your child should be now in their own room and getting used to their space. It isn’t about you, it’s about them.

Meh, I don't think you're being unreasonable when you're the one who has to do the nights with your child. You then do whatever gets you the most sleep. Can you sleep in another room with DC?
I cosleep with my boys on a floor bed in their room. DH is in our room. (Though he wouldn't mind us all being together..this is my preference for now)
This way you could still have sex in your bed. However, I don't see what the big deal is doing it elsewhere... The sofa works just fine 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s really not clear at all. the below first suggestion reads like he’s told her no, she’s said it is understandable and come up with a suggestion, so yes it reads like she’d fuck right next to her kid,

DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.

Even when a wpman is so so so ffar in the wrong is practically hilarious some women will still find a way of making it the man's fault.

@dhnosex could you put a double bed in DS room then cosleep there? You could spend evening with DH then move to DS room just when you're about to go to sleep. I understand the need for sleep, cosleeping in a different room might give you back some of the intimacy and sex without losing sleep over it. My XH was very anti cosleeping when I did it when our kids were younger. Once he had to actually deal with DS sleep issues after we split he started cosleeping when he has him. I haven't coslept with DS for years, but now ex has to deal with the sleep deprivation he understands why I did it. Easy for people to say what you should do when they have no idea what you're going through.

YANBU.

Children come first, that's how parenting goes. He's being petty.

Typical MN response. Ignore OP. The western world seems to parent children as if they were an inconvenience.

What will she regret? Not pandering to her man child husband? Her child will never be that age again, her husband will be just the same person in three years. She would regret forcing her child to sleep away from her when he isn't ready.

Yes this is true.

Oh my god. She is still a woman. Are you only a woman if you have sex with your husband? Did you enjoy your baby much?

'Marital bed' hahahha