Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

Agree with a PP that you should sleep with your child in the spare room, and your husband sleeps in the main bedroom. That way you both get the sleep you need, plus you can have sex in the main bedroom anytime.

Edit: can understand your husband not wanting to 'cosleep' for several years.

They have another bed though - it doesn't have to be the sofa! Never did have sofa sex personally that often - couldn't do it with the cats watching! 😄It's an option, or the shower, or the kitchen? I'm surprised at how sexually unadventurous some posters appear to be!

@dhnosexI do think some kind of compromise is needed though, and it involves your DH learning to settle your son as well as you. It's a cop out that he doesn't. If he's so welded to having sex in the specific marital bed, and not in A N Other bed, then I think the suggestions others have made of starting your DS out sleeping in his own room, with you (or indeed DH, in his turn!) decamping to the bed with him there at some point during the night.

I'd still be deeply pissed off at his issuing an ultimatum instead of working constructively with you to find a solution that works for you both.

This.
Sort it out now, it will only be harder later

My husbands nephew can't go to sleep on his own. he is now 11. when they come down for holidays one parent has to lie down with him for about 2 hours. they can't participate the adult conversation that happens after kids in bed. nor have they been able to go out for dinner as one of them has to put him to bed and no one else can do that for him. no sleep overs with granny or us either. I honestly think it really has put a strain on their marriage - really notice it now
another friend of mine has nit had a night out with us as her daughter can't sleep on her own. husband walked out on her a few years ago and they sleep in the one bed. girl now 7.
sister kids were in bed on their own from 6 months. both parents travel for work. kids had to get used to others putting them to bed or staying in other people's houses. now I have them ringing me can they come for a sleep over (love here we have horse cats and dogs and they help out )

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want to carry on cosleeping, I think your husband is being unreasonable. You are right that you could have sex in alternative places and he’s not the one who is going to suffer if you stop cosleeping. Either he gives in to having sex elsewhere or you and your child cosleep in a bed in your spare room

I wouldn't be tolerating that at 11. I'd say it's very unusual. As I said above, I have never known a child like that. Even when mine did co-sleep, they went to sleep independently, basically because I wasn't going to bed at the same time as they did!

It took a lot of work with my youngest, and I had to do that thing whereby you move further and further from the door. I remember one night I counted, and I put him back down 69 times!!

Agree 👍

This is what I always wonder but nobody ever answers. Especially to try and shove the child alone in bed to have sex and then sleep next to someone else while said child has to sleep alone.

Complete and utter rubbish. I've never met an 11 year old who wanted to sleep with their parents!! Mine had all moved out before they started school.

It's not something that people want to talk about though is it. Eleven year olds sleeping in bed with their parents. Not only is it not something to be proud of, it's somewhat taboo.

One of my very best friends told me that her mine year old was co sleeping with her after her dh left her. (Not because of the co sleeping). I had had absolutely no idea. He had a bedroom and everything just seemed completely fine but it wasn't .

Another of my friends didn't send her dd on year six camp because she still got up every night and came into her parents room.

It's something my friends and I would talk about. And all of their kids went off happily on school trips etc.

how long before you’re on here asking if we think your DH is having an affair ? He’s perfect entitled to want to sleep comfortably in his own bed and not to have to schedule sex somewhere else. It’s time to get your DS into his own room, but stress to your husband that he has to do his fair share of resettling during the night.

It’s crazy, because it’s not even his desire for sex, it’s that he wants to be able to have sex whenever he wants, in a specific bed and nowhere else.

And somehow the OP is in the wrong. 😳

When there's a will, there's a way - your DH not wanting to do it anywhere else other than on the master bed at night seems to possibly suggest he doesn't want it badly enough? 😳

not that unusual though. it's just not spoken about often enough. my husbands brother and his wife never dealt with it and are now paying the price.
I think here in this case the sex unltimation is the tip of the iceberg in this marriage. there is more to the storey
op either needs to decide to save marriage and either put rules in place and make husband do work or what ever is needed to help repair it or decide no I don't wnat that. it's fine I will keep doing what I am doing. only she can tell us

I agree with your husband, your child should be able to sleep in his/her own bed at this age.

Surely the compromise here is for your child to learn to start the night in their own bed …

Far too many people saying put the needs of your husband first! You getting sleep is just as important - far less likely to be in the mood for one thing if you’re knackered! Also we’re talking about a 3 year old child, I bet a few people here let their dogs sleep with them! Also some people put their experiences or experiences of family/friends forward as if that was factual evidence - studies show that bed sharing in the early years does not have a negative impact.

He's not going to have an affair. The only place he'll have sex is in his own bed. It would be pretty obvious 😂

I’m so sorry you get so many comments about cosleeping being bad and making the rod for your back.
I have soon to be 3yo and 16mo and have been cosleeping since the older was 3months. It is just so easy and nice.
i have so much more sleep than I would’ve if they slept separately.
i sleep with the kids in their room, we have a double bed with sidecared toddler beds on each side so there’s enough space for all of us. My husband sleeps in his own bedroom in the king. I never enjoyed sleeping with him. He likes to sleep with tv on, he snores lots, he hogs the duvet and also prefers super soft bed. I sleep so much better with the kids! However he never stops complaining how he doesn’t sleep well and how tired he is even though he gets some days off on his own when the kids are at the nursery and I am at work. Also I go to bed with kids around 7-8ish and he has the whole night for himself. No disturbances unless some accident happens with the kids.
but we still have sex occasionally when all the stars align and the kids are in the in the nursery, I had an early shift and he’s off.. so maybe 1-2x a month.
there are options. I would suggest you move with your little one to the spare bed and do what works for you. What is right for one person might not be for another.. so don’t worry about all the people! X

two issues:

don’t have sex with child in the room.

coosleeping is fine.

Agree with this.

Lots of people on this thread seem to putting the husbands need for sex in the main bed above the ops needs. Why are his needs more important?

The child is only 3. Co-sleeping is very normal in other parts of the world, it’s only in the west it seems to be met with horror and silly stereotypes.

I love waking up next to my babies, it’s the best feeling in the world, they are still so little and knowing they are safe and warm next to me and dh makes us all sleep better.
They won’t want to do this forever.

People need to use there imagination more - there are lots of places to have sex other than a bed!

Also, I think the husband sounds like a bit of a big baby himself tbh.

My child used to start the night in their own bed and then join me at some stage during the night. Naturally stopped around 8 yrs.
I loved it. Can't understand the logic that a couple can't possibly sleep apart but little kids should be forced to from birth and in some cases made to cry themselves to sleep in the process.

I think your husband needs to take his head out of his self centred arse and realise his child is the priority not his own needs

I think you have two options, you and your child sleep in one of the beds and husband separate. Two put your child in a bed in their room and sleep train them or make a time when child is with grandparents and spontaneously have a morning/afternoon of sex.

Who would even want to have sex with a person who a) either are can’t, won’t or doesn’t support by helping more in the day time causing the night time parent to knackered and b) has their own and their child’s biological needs and urges disregarded by an adult man’s wishes to be cuddled in a particular location?! Who says his need to cosleep is more important than the child and mum’s need to cosleep?

I know I certainly wouldn’t want to.

Compromise is needed here; all parties should have their needs met as best as possible. That does not mean sending a child to sleep alone so that a grown man doesn’t have to. But it does mean allowing all needs to be met (such as what pp have said, cosleep elsewhere, husband and intimacy in master bedroom, try sex in different locations occasionally).

I’m guessing lots of people on this post haven’t experienced a child that doesn’t sleep. Lucky them. I was so against co sleeping but have done it for the last 6 months as I actually get sleep and I couldn’t function being up every few hours. Your sleep and sanity is important. Sounds a bit precious not to be able to have sex anywhere else in the interim. Think he is unreasonable and selfish. Maybe he can try waking up every few hours.