Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

There is nothing wrong with cosleeping with 3 year old!! I think it's hilarious everyone saying it's unreasonable and that they need to learn blah blah - You love it and the child loves it and it's completely normal. Your husband is the one who needs to grow up and learn to let your child be in the bed with you or he can go sleep in the spare room. He is the adult after all so maybe he should know how to sleep by himself by now ? It's unreasonable for you to be marching back in between bedrooms to settle you little one, they obviously feel safe having you in the bed with them so why deny them that? It's only a short few years- embrace those snuggle whilst you can .

YABU

What does DH stand for? I follow and contribute regularly to discussions here and am baffled (and confused) by this mania for initials instead of words.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. We live in a society where most people think there kids need to be in their own room. Sex doesn’t need to be in the bedroom and if you’re getting a good sleep when you otherwise wouldn’t then surely that’s a positive.

Is co-sleeping 1000% necessary? Or is it a way to avoid facing underlying issues? Sex can be a complex thing for some couples, and it's not always easy to address that. Or maybe I'm getting that impression because I've seen that happen before.
Compromising seems to be the answer here. Meet halfway, try to find a way to have yours and your husband's needs met while working out the whole co-sleeping situation.

You are being unreasonable. Sofa and spare room for sex are for 'specials' that you set up, not routine use, surely? I wouldn't want to have sex with my toddler in the bed either. You need to stop co-sleeping and take a week or two in order to settle your toddler in his own bed and accustom him to the idea of sleeping through the night. This takes effort, as it means you do get up in the night - do not share DC's room - and put him back to bed making it clear nothing is happening in the middle of the night, you just come in put him back to bed and tuck in him and go away. Keep doing this till he realises waking in the night brings no attention.

I don't think sex in bed with a toddler is abuse. Indeed, up until the mid-twentieth-century this would have been usual for most couples, since bedrooms to oneself were rarely available. However, we don't have to do that anymore and I think OP is unreasonable.

You have a problem!!! Your husband is right..very right!!!

Also wanted to add, I don’t see why people are telling op to use the spare room to co-sleep with her child. The husband is the one with the problem so if anyone should be sleeping in the spare room why not him 🤨

And the OP is expected to do this while her DH sleeps the night away blissfully in the marital bed??

YABU

I’m really sorry you’ve had such a pile on. People seem to have a lot of misconceptions about cosleeping and jump to judgements. You’re not been unreasonable at all. You’ve found a way to settle your child and save yourself precious hours, time usually lost to settling your child. It is your husband who is unreasonable when he’s not willing to make any changes to his life to support you. You don’t get to live life the exact way you want when you have children. Changes have to be made by both parents, but it sounds like you’re doing a lot and he is complaining about any changes. To be honest I would find it very unattractive if my husband could only have sex if in his own bed. If he cannot find the motivation to have sex anywhere outside of his own bed, how does he expect you to find the energy after endless sleepless nights. I’d make the most of the co-sleeping time. It’s not a needy habit you need to get your child out of, it’s a a natural way of parenting that in all likelihood they’ll naturally grown out of without any problem. I would do what’s right for you and your child as your husband sounds selfish, spoilt and unhelpful.

Sleeping in their own room is part of their natural development into being an individual. Use rewards & lots of praise & put musical toys in with coloured lights that move on the ceiling. Their own bedroom is their space where they can be themselves with their toys and teddies. If little one can't sleep on tbeir own there'll be a problem if staying away from you for any reason - sleepovers etc.

I got ours happily sleeping in their rooms then grandma trashed everything by letting them sleep with her on occasional overnight stays - it never worked after that.

When little one goes to nursery or school it may become an issue.

I've not read through all the comments but I think it's quite sad how sad and ironic, people are so quick to judge a couple making out with a 3 year old sleeping baby that doesn't have a clue who's oblivious to the world in their own lil dream land! and you're all shouting out it's a no no.. howeverrrr it's perfectly ok for older 'children to watch their parents snog each others face off and are also exposed to TV shows or movies of people making out. I think that is highly more inappropriate!! I can go on a tangent here going into school curriculum etc but I l shall eave it here ... Mind you i personally moved my my children's cot bed out of my room by the age of 2 and the youngest went into his brother's room even earlier as he was more mature @1 and a half years old(youngest )and just wanted to do everything his brother was doing. So no they didn't sleep beside me but in my room in their own cot bed. You carry on like Someone else said better these moments are precious but definitely at the age of 3 need to get your child in another room wait for Xmas hols and work on that their old enough now. And your husband needs to help you do this!

YANBU. You have to sleep, 3 years old is still little. He won't co sleep for ever.

You are SO unreasonable
Beyond so.
Ick

Is this fiction? I'm horrified if it's real!

I think the OP said they don’t while the toddler is in the bed. If they do - even in the same room - this is a major child safeguarding issue, agreed.

Came to say the same thing

I notice you referred to me later in the thread as someone with “one solitary child.”

I hate to play the card here, but I will. That one child is worth about 18 of the neurotypical children in my life. I taught for 10 years, I have met other children - this one is not the same level.

He is a very complex little boy, with a lot of challenges, that require a lot of energy. I could list the diagnoses, but I won’t bother. It is worth knowing that one of them is significant attachment concerns.

It’s great that your children are so successful, and work/live abroad or whatever. He is likely to require support for the rest of his life, and not live independently, certainly not in another country.

Every second, or every day, involves a LOT of hard work and energy - alongside both working full time. When he temporarily goes to sleep at 9pm, that is the only time we have for ourselves, and I wouldn’t sacrifice that and send my partner to the spare room for anyone.

We are working very hard to teach him to be sleep independent, and to allow his adults to go to the toilet without kicking doors down etc. He needs that independence for the rest of his life, and for everyone’s wellbeing.

I will not be apologising or pandering to a patronising angry lady on the internet for thinking that on occasion, people should put their relationship before their kids. We all matter in our house, and the idea that we would allow cosleeping, or separate sleeping, to become the norm is absolutely ludicrous to me.

Next time, speak to me directly if you want to slag me off, and try to bear in mind that not everyone lives in your rosy bubble, and those people would quite like some time to themselves.

This is blowing my mind that people are so horrified by this. It’s a 3 year old, their still tiny and feel much safer and secure with their mum. Why is that a problem? People’s reactions suggest this is going to cause massive problems. If the parent is happy then it won’t cause any. All this talk of making them independent, they become independent when they have a secure attachment. They get that by knowing the parent is there for them, which cosleeping helps instill. Letting them sleep in your bed won’t mean they’ll never be able to sleep on their own. As they get older they’ll naturally become independent and will no longer want to sleep in your bed. This doesn’t need to be trained it’s just part of growing up. Little kids who once loved cosleeping turn into older kids who probably find the idea really unappealing. The idea that letting a 3 year old sleep in your bed now will mean in five years you’ll have a 8 year old who won’t be able to go to a sleepover is wild. My little one was still cosleeping at 3 years, now he’s 5 he prefer’s his own bedroom, we didn’t have to train him with rewards or lure him in with fancy lights. He just naturally transitioned to preferring his own bedroom. The safety net of knowing he could return to our bed if he wanted to probably helped give him the confidence and security to try sleeping in his own bed.

Let the parents decide what’s best for them and their child rather then jumping in with all these judgements and instructions. You carry on OP if you’re happy. I appreciate your husband isn’t keen but seen as he can’t (or won’t) help with nighttime issues the least he could do is work around and support you in any method you found that does allow for a good sleep. Seems incredibly selfish to expect you to be up several times a night, every night settling your child just because he would have to get up and move to a nearby room to have sex!

I agree with you saying a 3 year old shouldn't be in the bed.Totally disagree with the over 6 months bit. Mothers now are encouraged to have babies in same room for up to a year. After which, I think it's reasonable to say they shouldn't be in same room if parents are having sex. But tbh, I've had holidays when DD was 20 months old and cot was in same bedroom in apartment for 2 weeks. I don't consider that as a social services situation 🤔 if we were sexually active if she was fast asleep.

You sound unhinged like a bunny boiler. Usually it’s the other way round a man being unreasonable. Sort your child’s sleeping arrangement out first then think about sxx